Ali- Episode 1: Racial Profiling

So I promised my sweet Jode that I would get her a blog asap....and I broke my promise.  BUT, the only way I found it remotely possible to remember anything was to jot down notes in an email to myself as I was watching the episode.  So this will start out more like a "liveblogging", but I'm not sure how that's going to flow.  Hmmm, how about the liveblogging first and then my aftershow commentary?  We'll try that...

Hmmmm, where to start?  Freaky creepy poltergeistish/exorcist silhouette.  How about the fabulous red dress she is wearing??  I fell in love!  With the dress.  Alright, limos are arriving.  Um, why would you wear a black dress when you are the star??  I know, I know, I'm so anti black dresses.  But seriously!  How do you go from being the beautiful in yellow belle of the ball to BLACK?!  Boh-ring!!!  

Woo hoooo!  First limo:  Whoa...cat calls & whistles from the first limo??  So not cool.  Did that guy really just use some friggin HORRIBLE line about being 'peculiar'? Oh God. Oh no.  Say it ain't so. 

Wait.  Jim?!  The guy who came after the guy with a cast?? Total serial killer. And then the other 2 guys after? Yeah, that's the reject limo.  Give me a chance?!  Oh man you haven't even made it inside without tripping yet, fuck yer damn "chance".

Ding, ding, ding!   3rd limo.  Cat calls again.  But definitely less busted than Limo 2.  So fine, overlooking the cat calls in favor of cuties....please continue...

Hotel Business Development Guy and a CZ? Ugggggggggggggggh!!!!  Jonathan the Weather Man?! Why are they trying to cast a Reid wannabe?!  Except doesn't Ali or better yet, the producers,know that all weathermen are gay?  Duh! Ahahahahaha- did that guy just fuck up with the cowboy boots?!  Well, she went in too far for the hug anyway. 

Ooh, Limo 5 has at least 2 other serial killers on board, too.  Oooooh, lPhilip from Chi-town! has potential...  Shooter? With the stoner frat boy look? Wha? Ok, love love love the landscaper from cape cod!

Woo hoo, everyone's in the house and now the piranhas start coming out.  Dewd, what is *up* with the overzealous consultant turned paris screenwriter??  Ahahahahahahahahahaha! A scrapbook?!?!  Sorry, buddy-- I draw the line at male scrapbooking.  That's right up there with speedos. And, um, being a one-minute man!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah, that's where my liveblogging stopped.  So now on to my aftershow commentary:

Oh man, does Ali not know about the nationwide controversy regarding racial profiling?  She was like a moth to a flame with that Roberto!  I prefer to call him Token Latin Guy ("TLG").  You know, Juan with Jillian and now Roberto with Ali?  TLG, baby!  You know, he's not my type.  He's cutie, but very homey.  Not homo, just homey.  I like 'em a little saucier.  And just cause he dances the salsa doesn't mean he's saucy!

I am sooooooo blown away by the fucking amount of blow outs!!!!!  What the hell is going on with these boys blowdrying their hair?!  Ray hates the metrosexuals.  You should hear him talk about the metros.  He cracks me up.  Like all prejudices, a lot of it stems from his limited exposure ... you know metrosexualism is very common in places like NYC and does not at all coincide with homosexuality.  But he's still funny to listen to.  Don't you dare tell him your boyfriend waxes his eyebrows or anything like that ("It's a fine line, Kuki, a fine line...").  Ok, back to the show.

What was the name of the serial killer she kept?  The one that ends up slitting his wrists?  He so fucking freaks me out!!!!!!!!!!!!  Don't you wonder what the hell is going through her head?!  They should have a no alcohol policy on the first night for the Bachelor/ette.  Because everyone can see he's a few screws away from coming undone and yet, she can't?  Do they purposefully cast people who have no people reading skills?

The damn box.  You know, in the past 2 shows, when they've used the box, it's always made complete sense to me.  The first one they picked that annoying girl (Megan?) and she really was annoying and then with Jillian they picked Wes and well, we know where that went!  I can't remember if they used it for Jake, but I want to say I think they did and it was Triple V?  But this time...this time, I don't get why him showing his "Rated-R" shirt caused so much fucking controversy!   It was not the Rated R shirt.  It was that Justin is damn sex-hay and he's limping and well, all those damn girls have Nightingale Syndrome.  The only thing that blows is that I think he's the one with the girlfriend.  That's the way it looked to me from the previews.  That would suck.  I don't want to be wrong about his dreamy dimple and dark thick hair.  Besides, if what you do is  "entertainment" wrestle professionally, then of course the girl you might marry (barf!) is going to want to know your stage name!!  I don't know how that was a publicity stunt.  At least I did not at all see it in the same way I saw Wes.  The fucking GORGEOUS guy Graham (Triple G) from the Deanna show who was a basketball player in Europe came on the show and wasn't accused of publicity stunting.  Guys are just as envious and catty as girls, I see.  Besides, I do not know how in the world they picked Justin over CBO (Canadia with the blowout).  I mean really. 

I was not at all weirded out by Cape Cod Chris (Triple C and I swear I have no idea how the triples keep coming up!) deciding to bypass the information about his mother dying.  It was only a month ago.  Or was it a year?  Meh, potatoes, potahtoes.   He probably hasn't been able to completely come to terms with saying the "d" word and even if he has, maybe he has the emotional maturity to know that telling someone your mom just died is a total buzzkill and could either keep you in the game as someone playing the sympathy card OR take you out of the game as someone who has way too much current emotional baggage.  He looks pretty competitive and it seemed to me that he wants to win solely on merit.  I gave him props for that.  Besides, he's from Cape Cod!!  

Speaking of geographical location, I know Texas is one of the biggest states, but why oh why are so many damn contestants from there?!  Are the Bach headquartes in Texas?!  It is so fucking annoying!  Florida always gets a sympathy contestant, lately Canada has been getting TWO, the midwest about 4, New York around 2 and then the entire rest of all casts are from damn Texas.  Deanna.  Jake.  Melissa.  20 of the 25 guys from this season... you get my point.   I'm not sure if opening it up to Canada annoys me more or less than allowing Texas to monopolize.  They should instill a "no taxation without representation" casting rule.  That would make things interesting!

Is it me or do they all seem really short?!  And, um, I'm 5'1 so for me to think they all look really short is saying a lot.  

That was it for me.  I'm dying to hear about the ear guy.  I didn't notice.  I am also waiting to see if they end up cutting out the wrist slitting scene the same way they cut out the Tenley's pregnant scene and the Reid couldn't get it up scene.  Highly annoying.  And this season, I will not let, under any circumstances, the girl from work who reads all the damn spoilers tell me who's going to win.  Can you believe I spent the entire season-- as in from the first day -- knowing he was going to pick Triple V?  It was really anti-climactic for me.  I don't want to ruin it this time.  And that's easy to do when there aren't any clear personal faves.

Ok, so who do you guys predict?  I say it's going to be Triple C.   Or at least it should be!  They're both from MA.  And yes, they should get married just because of that.   I like Mr. Peculiar as well.  Yeahp bad suit and all...

Oh, the Final Rose

He should have handed her two Final Roses so Vienna could keep them both within eyesight. 

Have you guys seen The Soup?  Joel McHale is freaking hilarious and says the funniest shit like, "And now on to the Bachelor, where Vienna...who isn't really crosseyed, she's just playing ping pong with her eyeballs..." hahahaha.  I tried youtubing, but couldn't find anything related.

Anyway... oh man, where do I start?  Ah yes, we start with the family dates where in the intro Tenley talks about nothing other than- drumroll, please- her ex-husband.  And as Valk pointed out, OHMYGOD that VOICEEEEEEEEE!  Jake's parents, brothers and sisters-in-law all just love her, and really, why wouldn't they?  Clearly, they didn't pick up on the voice or the fact that she sat down with each and every one of them and talked about....c'mon, guess!!!!!!!!!  HER EX-HUSBAND!  That isn't entirely true.  She mixed it up a bit when she got to Mom and Dad and talked about her EX-INLAWS!  

Did I hear right?  Did Jake's mom seriously tell her that what she was looking for in a daughter-in-law was someone who would get along with the other daughters-in-law?!?!  Her intentions are admirable and all and I'm sure if anyone here has a brother, you want the same thing, but c'mon!!!!!  It's hard enough finding a significant other to get along with, now you're judging her by her ability to get along with extended family?  Oy.  

I didn't get the whole part about it being such a big deal that Jake didn't roughhouse with her.  Different people bring out different sides of you.  If she really loves him, is she going to break up with him because he keeps telling us how he's silly and a prankster and really is very funny?  At the National Geek Convention, maybe.  

So, they jump in the water where they make out ad nauseam and in front of the family.  Oh, she's so spontaneous and FUN...she jumps in the water with her DRESS on!  Ooooorrrr (and I'm just throwing it out there) maybe she's really stupid cause she was wearing a strapless mini dress with no bra when she jumped in the water?  I'm just sayin'.  

That poor family.  After seeing this pretty, well put together, educated woman, they get Triple V.   And you know, it's not only that they get Triple V...it's that they were expecting her to be SO MUCH MORE than just pretty, educated, and well put together and they get Triple V.  You know,  raggedy drag queen makeup with bad, raunchy tats and long stringy hair talking about how she lives in a trailer park, and yes, yes, yes...they aren't even really sure who's she's talking to because you know, she isn't crosseyed, she's just working the room.  Muahahahaha!

BUT, at least she doesn't talk about her ex-husband.  At first, the family's instincts were right on!  And then what happened?!?!  Triple V shot her special Triple V juice in their eyes and bam! they were under her spell, too?!?  I thought she only did that stuff in those pornos my friend at work says she saw her in. But seriously!  I'd love to look in her bag and see if she's got a whole set of blonde voodoo dolls because I.Just.Don't.Get.It.  Other than knowing what we've always known and that is that Jake is a total tool who needs a woman to mistreat him and make him look like a bigger fucking geek than he already is.  Good guys never win because they are always so fucking whooped.  Strap your damn Big Boy Boots on and grow some, Jake!  Agh!

Back to Tenley (and yes, Valk....THAT VOICE!!!!!!! It's worse than the old lady in Poltergeist, I swear)...

Oh man! How awkward was their last date?!  Don't you hate it when your friend is dating someone who's really great, but you can soooooooo tell that your friend is just totally NOT into them?  You know, you're just sitting around, waiting for the other shoe to drop, not really wanting to get to know or much less like this person because you know it's only a matter of time (minutes, really) before s/he's gone.  Yeahp.  That's what the date felt like.  And the whole conversation about how he's just not that physically attracted to her, yet she goes on to say how she is totally into him?  It's like a horror movie...you know the scary part is coming, you've got your eyes covered and your head turned ever so slightly away, but you're still watching, you just HAVE to. 

Ugh, and then the whole 'come back to my room' part of the date was soooo uncomfortable.    Jake looked like he was on death row and making his way to the gas chamber as he walked up to her room door.  It's like when you're really into this guy who you know doesn't want to be with you, but you think that maybe, just maybe, if you give it up, he'll totally love you?  I mean what?  

Seriously, I thought her Tenley does Playboy effort was way weird.  Waaaaaaay weird.  Especially when she says, "I could just play with him all day long!" and then dies laughing at herself as if she just mastered the art of dirty talk?  Tenley!!!  Saying "Tide Stain Remover" three times is way dirtier than that! Friggin' pill.  

Hmmm, so wait?  Who's last date was first?  Was it Tenley? Or Vienna?  I can't remember.  I was trying to catch up to Kristin while watching on Tivo which meant I was fast forwarding all the make out sessions.  If not, I'd still be watching.  I vaguely remember a pink bathing suit and some mud.  Blah blah blah.  Oh, yes...and then the ring.  I never really paid attention to the ring.  And think the whole gift giving is so weird.  I mean, it's a cute gesture, but it's such a girl thing to do.    You know, guys don't give a shit about girlie type gifts.  Like a letter and a ring.  

Ah, and of course, the Tenley gift.  Really, of all the gifts I hate the most, it's always those weird frames that do it.  Let's be realistic here...if he doesn't pick you, do you think the one he does pick is going to let him hang it over the mantle? The pool table? The shitter?  It's a great gift and all, but, Future Bachelorettes-- in case you're reading-- give it to him after he picks you.  Or deal with the fact that your pictures are hanging out, knee deep in secluded island tourist trash, complete with dirty condoms and old smelly sunscreen. 

Alright...fast forward, fast forward, fast forward thru all the talking..blah blah blah...jeweler comes and he says he still doesn't know who he's going to pick......Say wha???  You're picking a ring with no one in mind?  Oh wait! You pick TWO rings!  blah blah blah...getting dressed scenes...blah blah blah...Triple V in the shower???  Blah blah blah....Ex-husband Ex-husband Ex-husband...blah blah blah....Bam! One foot off the helicopter!!!!!!!! 

(First one to the top of the hill is a rotten eeegggggg!!!!)

And the strappy heel and manicured toes go tooooooooooooooo......

Tenley.  First one down.  Buh-bye Tenley.  She knew it, too.  He just started talking and she got the "I know I'm going home ugly cry" look on her face.  

Let's pause for a moment.  This could have been a really classy exit.  This could have been another Jason.  Had she played her cards right, Jake would have been dumping Vienna on the After the Rose show and hooking up with Tenley, fer sher. 

Coulda shoulda woulda.  Because instead, Tenley did not shut up.  No, really, she did not SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!  And, when I say she would not shut the fuck up, I have a text log to prove it:

9:43:  Kristin:  Tenley.  Nice wind.  So annoying.

9:44: Kristin: Sad. Walk away!!

9:45:  Me: Oh God.  Nothing like breaking up on natl tv.

9:45: Me: Do we get an 'ex husband' before she goes?

9:45: Kristin:  He's totally going to pull a Jason.

9:46: Me: Dude, can she shut up?

9:46: Kristin: Ugh, she's so much better than Vienna.

9:47: Me: He won't pull a Jason because she managed to make him feel great about the breakup.  Asswat.

9:48: Me: Oh no. Now she's begging?

9:48: Kristin: 'I'm never going to forget you...'

9:49: Me: oh my GOD. STFUUUUU!!!

9:49: Me:  Where's the gong?!  Somebody bang the gong!!!

And that, ladies and gentlemen was the LONGEST SIX MINUTES OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!   Jake went from crying and evidently very distraught and not at all sure about the decision he was making to seriously looking like he was being bored to death and couldn't stop thinking, "can we speed this up, I've got another one comin'".  Holy Hell, the chic did not SHUT UP.  She so could have had the ending she wanted, if only she knew when to WALK AWAY!

And you know, not thank him for breaking up with her on national TV and picking a girl who's half the woman she is over her.  This doesn't mean she had to be rude or stupid about it.  But really, a simple "I wish you the best of luck"..."thank you for what we had"...and even an "I'm going to miss you" and then "BYE BYE" would have been GREAT!!  Instead, what does she do?  Yeahp! She blows him a kiss as she's walking away.  After the six minute monologue.  Barf. 

I'm not sure about you, but even til the very end, I had hopes he wouldn't pick either...I held my breath for a second thinking it wasn't going to be Vienna either...thinking that maybe that friend from work was wrong and that even though I'd known it was Vienna from Day 1, there would still be some miracle and he would just walk away and continue being single and hell! maybe even end up hooking up with Ali on one of these Ménage à trois cruises the ex cast members love to go on, but nope!  He picked her.  

The End.  

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Some of the people I've talked to wanted it to be Tenley.  I just didn't see it.  As boring as she was and oh so perfect for him, she didn't do it for him.  And really, in his defense, could you imagine listening to that voice for the rest of your life?

Some of the people I've talked to can't believe he's going to be on Dancing with the Stars and thought it should have been Tenley.  But really, again...let's look at the alternative.  Do we really want to sit through a season of listening to her go on and on and on about her 'designed just for you because her ex-husband didn't want to watch her' dance moves?

I didn't think so. 

The Bachelor, RHOC, Real World & 16 and Pregnant...

I really don't have much to say about each individual show, so I'll just lump them all together.

Does anyone believe that Roslyn would seriously lie hardfaced to all those people?  It just goes beyond anything I can imagine, almost to the point where I believe her.  But then I remember the words of an ex-boyfriend I had in 9th grade...if you're going to lie, lie to the end.   I love me some Chris Harrison though, and I thought that was one low blow she threw at him.  Crackwhore.  

Um, Real World.  This season supersucks.  I mean the girl with the long brown hair is so fucking whiny and can someone tell Josh how ugly he is, forget his horrible voice?  I *adore* Ericka, but I think it's cause she has an absolutely amazing voice and she reminds me so much of Kristin.  I seriously think that the idiot with the animal hats needs to be jailed because he fer sher is a date rapist.  I saw some of the cartoons he did that got him kicked out of college and um, yeahp, Future Rapist of America right there.  And I really like Cally.  But, they're boring.  Ty needs to be arrested as well.  Actually, him and Animal Hat guy should share a cell and trade turns being the girl.  That will serve them both right for being such abusers with their "masculinity".  Ugh.  I don't know, it's like this season disturbs me a little.  I still watch because there's nothing else on Wednesdays.  

16 & Pregnant:  This is my first season watching and I didn't realize that each episode is just on one girl.  Then what happens?  That first girl needed to get kicked in the teeth.  It breaks my heart to see those babies not paid any attention to.  I try not to judge, because I would have been the same exact way at 16, but I don't know...I guess this is where the whole pro-choice thing comes in to play and I just rather that baby not be here than to see the way they're treated.  Thank God for grandmas.  Oh my God, and the boyfriend on the 2nd show?!  He bothered me so much more than the first girl did.  What an ASSHOLE!!  I was so proud that his mother wasn't all "I'll stand by my son no matter what" and was correcting his blatant disrespect towards his girlfriend's mom, but jeez, she could have taken it a step further and pulled him by the ear.  I just think I'm not cut out for this show because I can't really put myself in their shoes.  It's too hard for me, emotionally and intellectually.  I much prefer the other show, which of course, I can't remember the name of ...Teen Mom? 

And RHOC...Wow.  Alexis never particularly floated my boat, but she never really annoyed me either.  I just thought she was full of shit and that was that.  But this show, she just totally annoyed me.  First, can someone tell her she really isn't pretty?  She's got some great legs, but her face is banging.  And the whole "ears pinned back" just cracks me up.  Because sure, maybe you got them fixed, but honey, the gene carries and when you have kids, they'll have the ears, too, only to serve as a constant reminder of your own insecurities.  And her husband is creepy.  I guess selling your soul isn't always worth it.  

Up until now, Tamra's husband never seemed as bad as they made him out to be.  Maybe because to me, he's just like most latin men in S. Florida.  I think now, he seems like a total jerk, but it isn't because he's really a jerk as much as it is that he sees his marriage is falling apart and he is miserable and doesn't know how to fix it.  Even the sweetest man (which he isn't) would seem like a total dick under those circumstances.  I don't think it's wrong want to take your wife away from toxic people or to not travel without you or whatever else Vicky complains about.  I mean, in the range of dysfunctional, it's always Vicky's marriage that makes me feel much weirder than anyone else's.  

You know, I love Gretchen.  Always have.  I think it's hilarious that she laughs at her own jokes and I just think she's the "realest" one there.  She has something that really appeals to me and I don't know what it is.  

Lynn.  Ugh.  Worse yet, Lynn's creepy daughters.  What the fuck?!  Unless we're missing something, I can't believe the overreaction to the financial situation, especially when, if you look in the mirror, you are at least half of the equation deserving blame, if not 3/4ths.  I really think it's more like 3/4ths because you created those creepy, bloodsucking, melodramatic, money hungry girls of yours.  

And I never put Vicky and Ms. Piggy together, Jode!! That was great!  I can't believe she sucked Jeanna back in.  Back stabbing biotch (Vicky, that is).  She's just the kind of person that needs only people in total agreement with her to hang out with.  Hey, Vick...did ya mention you TP'd her house when you were having margaritas?!  Oy.

The Beautiful St. Lucia

Soooo.... do you think Gia will ever go back there again? Ha.

Ugh.  I have to say it's no wonder Mr. Predictability is ever so fucking predictable.

What do you think?  I really thought of all the dates, him and Gia had *the* most chemistry.  I mean, I really felt the hot and steamy with those two together.  And I just LOVED her sparkly headband. Note to Jake:  Please don't ever show anyone your bad white boy dance moves again.  Ever.  Ever, ever, ever!!!!  Furthermore, if he says at the Reunion Show that the problem with Gia was that "she just didn't open up" enough, I will hunt him down and tittie twist him into submission.  Dewd.  You're dating THREE girls, all of which you're banging and you want her to look like MORE of a FOOL on network TV?  Yeah.  You respect the girls who respect themselves. She has enough self-esteem issues as it is. 

All I want to know about their date is why in the hell did Jake hang his sunglasses on the BACK of his shirt.  Yes, yes, I know the actual *why*.  It still doesn't make it any less nerdy.  Friggin' Geek.  Smoosh your fucking glasses!  Show that girl you care enough to hug her deeply to SMOOSH your FUCKING GLASSSSSSES!  I swear, if I had been PMSing, and someone would have done that to me, I would have ripped them off the back of his shirt and STOMPED on them.  How's that fer yer glasses?!  (Note to readers: I am not PMSing, per se, but I was watching the show having just recovered from the first flu I have ever gotten in my life, which, for all intents and purposes, is WORSE than PMS.)

I was watching it with Kristin and trying to catch up to her the whole time (I was on TiVo time).  

Something Kristin said which I didn't pay any mind to, until she said it.  She was really put off by him saying that he "wanted to see" how she interacted with the locals because she always had $700 shoes on.  I don't get what one thing has to do with the other.  My husband says something similar to me all the time.  He says I can't possibly be a Democrat because I love the finer things in life.  He says Democrats don't support pricey labels and shopping high end retail.  I tell him clearly, he never met the Kennedys.  Muahahahaha!

Ok, back to Jake.  

And Tenley.  I am really starting to become nauseated by Tenley.  Forget it, once Ray pointed out her annoying voice to me, I just can't get past it now.  So when I see her on the screen, I cringe before she even starts talking.  Let's be frank here (frank? I'm not frank! My name is Andrea!!)... could you just imagine listening to that voice for the rest of your life???  Could you imagine what the voice is going to sound like at 50?  Is she from the Midwest?  Or is that an Oregonian accent?  Valk? 

Ok, so Tenley gets off the SUV and some producer must cue Jake: "Run, Jake, RUN!" because man, was that some delayed ass running.  Don't be so excited to see her, there buddy!  Hey, what's that?  A helicopter?!  No?!?!?  Impossible!!!  What a NOVEL idea!!!!!!!!  Heh heh heh.  

OHMYGOD, TENLEY.  SHUT THE FUCK UP about your ex-husband already!!!  Doing is believing, baby, and who in their right mind is going to *believe* that you are ready to move on if ya haven't fucken moved on?!?!?!  I haven't done it yet, but I feel so inclined to just do a google search that says "tenley's ex-husband" and see what I find.  C'mon, all of us...on the count of 3.  ONE-TWO-THREE!

Ahahahahahaha!  Is this person biting my drinking game?!  Because this is my favorite search find so far:

"Minus 8 because we really should have added "take a sip every time Tenley says 'my ex'" to our Bachelor drinking game. We could've been so trashed last night!" (you can find that here.)

And then there's all the talk about how she only slept with  (guess whooooo???) her ex and what a big deal it is and how nervous she is about the Fantasy Suite card, blah blah blah, and here I am sitting here watching and thinking, "why, exactly, does she have to sleep with him if she takes the card?"  Why can't she just take the fucking card, live it up on fabulous room service and play blue balls all night?  I'm just sayin'.  Sounds like a virginal plan to me! Seriously though, if your "morals" are so upstanding, then that would be the first thought to come to your mind and really not oh so hard to do.  Once again...doing is believing, Ten, and you just didn't seem all that hesitant, reserved or nervous when you quickly (and I do mean quickly) accepted.

By the way, the search also resulted in Ali's last name, and I think he didn't accept her back for fear of her hyphenating. 

Do you even want to discuss the whole Ali thing? Do you really?  Cause I could totally just skip that part.  I so could.  All I will say is I was furiously scowling at the screen and aggressively texting Kristin wondering at which point she was going to stop her GROVELING and strap her big girl BOOTS on and move on.  You picked work.  You're twenty-five fucking years old and that is what a responsible twenty-five year old with a "career" and not a "job" would do.  And one day, Ali-- if you allow yourself to let go -- you will be married to  a wonderful man and you'll be cleaning poop from the walls and doing bucket loads of vomit filled laundry and YOU WILL NO LONGER regret your decision.  Trust me.  It's the Voice of Reason talking here...

Triple V, coming up next... 

So, is it just me, or does their relationship seem downright hostile?  That whole back and forth banter is sexy for the first 2 minutes, but then you just wonder what good that kind of interaction would do when you're tired and sleep deprived and you are knee deep in the aforementioned wall covered poop and vomit flavored laundry.  Not such a good mix.

***NEWS FLASH***NEWS FLASH***NEWS FLASH***

Jake is "falling in love".   I'm just sayin'.  It's a news flash in case you missed that proclamation the first 5 episodes prior to last night's.  

I don't know.  The whole Pirates of the Caribbean thing was lame-o.  Her cross-eyedness was even more lame-o.  And then she busted out with the whitey-tidy night gown?  C'mon, Vienna, at least tell me you had a strap on under that.  Or something.  We don't call you Triple V for nothing!  

Fast forward to the Rose Ceremony...blah blah blah.  I'm glad to see ABC networks puts a "Talking Bench" in every location and that every excommunicated bachelor/ette uses it as they're being escorted out.  I would have just left.  What could he have possibly said at that moment to make her feel better? What?  Nothing, that's what.  Fuck you and good luck.  Buh-bye, Jakester!  

Oooooh, next week!!  I can't wait!  I hope they all rip him a new one and I will barf every time he starts a sentence with "Well...".  I betcha he says "gosh golly" like ALL.THE.TIME.  And no one can tell me otherwise! 

See ya real soon!! ;-P

I Shed a Tear...

for Jake and Ali.  I really did.  But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

There is just so much material here, where do I start??  Do I start with Urban Cowboy meets the Sopranos?  Flashdance meets Mr. Not the Ex-Husband?  The "I See Dead People" Tour?  Or do we just go straight to "A Night at the Trailer Park"?  Seriously.  I felt so bad for Jake this time.  What a bizarre episode.   You couldn't be more stereotypical if you wanted to.  It was all so, so, so out there.  I was waiting for Balloon Boy and his parents to show up.  They would have fit right in. 

Wooo hooooooooo! New York Cit-ay!!!  He could have stayed on that date forever.  I just love me some New York City!  So they did the boring tour on a nice yacht around part of the island of Manhattan.  Nice.  Gia strikes me as being from Brooklyn?  I can never get my borough accents straight.  I used to be able to nail them, but not so much anymore.  So I'm going to be obvious here and say she's either from Brooklyn.  Or Queens.  Hahahahaha!  I want to say Queens, because that Lawn Guylund accent is really heavy and the Queens people don't have it that bad.  That's more of a Brooklyn-moved-to-Staten-Island accent and if she is from Staten Island, that would explain why she didn't go home for her hometown date.  Fucking stinky Staten Island.  Grrrrr!  Maybe Sheella can chime in.  And when her brother told Jake "you know, cuz I'll hunt choo down and break ya legs" I totally felt like I was watching a Soprano spin off, which would tie in perfectly with my Brooklyn-Staten Island-Jersey connection.  

 I digress....  What was up with that shawl Gia was wearing??  So they went to a restaurant and who does Gia look like?  Do you think along with picking a random place to have dinner, they also picked up strangers to be her family members?  Hahahaha!  It seemed like an uncomfortable bunch.  But yay! everyone loves Jake and really, Jake better love her because if he doesn't, the brother's coming after him. The End.  

Yawn.  

Who was next?   Is it just me or was Tenley's family really stiff?  Oh, wait, I'm rushing things.... 

I just about peed my friggin pants when she decided somehow it would be a good idea to dance for him.  And I think she is going to cringe, and her ex-husband is doing some serious fist pumping, at her mentioning him every freaking 5 seconds.  Why haven't I noticed how utterly annoying her freaking voice is?  She sounds like one of the Chipmunks, but worse.  Way worse.  Ray walked in while I was watching their date and he said, "oh GOD her voice is driving me crazy!" and he was right.  So her nasaly annoying voice mentioning her ex-husband every 2 seconds was way weird.  But no, ladies and ladies, NOT weirder than her solo dance moves!!  What.The.Fuck was she thinking?!?!?!?!  No, really, WHAT?  Ahahahahahahahaaaaaaa!  I have never felt like I was watching something so staged in my entire life.  Wait, wait, that's not true.  I felt the same way when I watched Wes serenade Gillian 9 times.  So.Fucking.Weird!  But not weirder than her prefacing it with "my ex-husband never saw my dance performance so I'm going to show it to Jake".  Good way to make a guy feel special, Ten...  good one!  Listen, does anyone want to tell her she's still madly in love with her ex-husband and came on the show to spite him and even though she is freaking PERFECT for Jake, she needs to go?  Fucking weirdo with her Fame performance.  Ew.  

And her parents?  Us latins are really touchy feely huggers and kissers so it's totally weird for me to see such stiffness when he goes and meets the families.  They were pretty stiff.  And, yeah, um, the part where her mother said she's still hurting over the ex?  Talk about stroking that ex's ego...

Who's next? Who's next????  

Ah, Ali.  Ali's annoying me, too at this point.  Have I ever mentioned how I hate seeing a guy who can't handle cold weather?  It's one of those weird pet peeves I have.  Jake with the fucking fleece and the triple thick gloves while Ali was wearing a light jacket and some jeans was way more than I could handle.  She's always dressed so damn cute, but she killed it this episode!  Lumberjack meets Urban Chic?  No.  Please take off your plaid log climbing shirt and Native American boots and put on a real outfit for that fabulous white jacket!  Knocked knees and big hips, huh?  I would have never seen them coming.  Poor Ali.  I loved Ali's mom!  The walk through the grammie's house was a little creepy for me.  The lone picture on the mantle of an otherwise empty house... just a little more creepy.  

This is also the point where I noticed that the bachelorettes are all the prettiest ones from their families and the "ugly" sisters stayed home.  It made me a little sad for them.

Who does that leave?!?!?  Oh yeah!  Voracious Vagina!  Woooot!

Of course, when I think of Florida, I think of hot latin men with delicious accents and warm, sultry weather with an ice cold drink in hand sans tropical umbrella.  I never ever ever think of alligators and turtles and "the River" and trailer parks.  For the record, *I* am delusional.  Florida really is just like they showed it to be.  Florida is the Dirty South.  Miami is not.  

So, tell me, when they opened the door and showed her dad, did you all realize where Vienna gets her stunning good looks from?  *Wink, wink*.  Of course you did!  Would it be horrible to say that if I were Jake I'd be thinking about my future mate in breeding terms, and that revelation would have been a deal breaker?  Horrible, maybe.  Truthful, definitely.  

I'm a little creeped out by Vienna and her relationship with her daddy.  On the one hand, it's amazing that he has her back the way he does and how she's "daddy's little girl" and all, but she wears a wedding ring that her dad gave her?  And that whole schpeal about Jake having to continue treating her like a princess was a little much for me.  Did you guys catch on to the subtlety of the message?  "Oh, and she'll do the same for you.  When you get home, you'll have a clean house and your children will be raised right," in trailer park talk means, "you better support my little princess cuz she ain't lifting a finger in the 9-5 workplace no matter what"!  Freaking rednecks, man...

I think I was too stunned at how perfectly crafted these dates were and too amused with their hilariousity to really give a shit this episode.

And then.... the mysterious knock on the door....

Um, could they use the Ed storyline a few seasons apart, please?  Just a few?  Ok, how about ONE season apart?  You know, instead of back to back?  Yeah.  

I kept thinking of what she should do.  I think she did the right thing, assuming of course that Ali leaves because of work.  She lives in one of the most expensive cities in the country (if not the world) and apparently, she has a good career.  This guy is going on all the hometowns and asking ALLLL the fathers for their daughters' hands in marriage.  Go back to your job, man!  Because ultimately, if it's meant to be, it will be.  I think it was wrong of her to try to get him to say she was the one.  But I admire her strength and her ability to keep a straight face why the producers skillfully try to pull one over on us yet again.  *Yawn, yawn, yawn*.  Oh, and as a helpful tip:  Producers, if one of your contestants is going to tell the Bachelor at the Rose Ceremony that she is going home and you want it to be a surprise for us, tell her not to throw her hair up into a lazy ponytail because that's a dead giveaway.  I'm just sayin'. 

Hey guys! Have you heard the latest?  *This* Bachelor season is going to have"the most shocking Bachelor finale EVER"!  And if you're feeling a little bit nostalgic, so am I, my friends, SO.AM.I!

Teen Mom- Check Up with Dr. Drew

Let me just say I'm nervous posting about Teen Mom because I know you girls have been watching the show forever and I am definitely late to the party.  But of course, that does not prevent me from having some serious opinions about it all.  I think the first episode I saw was when Farrah was dating the black football player.

So the season is over and the babies are one and wow!  they are still all the fucking same.  Let's start with Amber...

Oh, Amber, Amber, Amber...  you are re-fucking-pulsive.  You seriously make my stomach turn and when I sit there and watch your lazy ass complain about Gary, I struggle to understand.  I don't understand what the fuck you are bitching about because I don't know how you, with a straight face, can sit there and complain he doesn't help you when he is your little bitch.  Hmmm, let's see... you manage to have him paying for every single one of your bills while you sit home and do what, exactly?  Then somehow you get him to move out of his OWN FUCKING APARTMENT so that you could have a place to live and then you continue to demand that he pay all your bills and support you?  I think somewhere, you missed the whole part about it being a "reality" show.  Because the sweet deal you've worked out is so not reality.  Reality would have kicked your ass to the curb and would have had you doing anything to support that beautiful baby girl.  And then you're the one who doesn't stop screaming and you have the nerve to say it's cause of Gary?  I totally get that self-reflection comes with maturity and I thank you for illustrating that point perfectly.  

I mean, if you were bitching about sweet Gary and his overly tight shirts accentuating his man titties, I'd be high fiving, but no, no, you aren't.  *shrug*

Then there's Maci.  What can anyone say bad about Maci?  So together, so strong, so connected to her gorgeous baby boy.  She amazes me and inspires me to no end.  Such an old, sweet soul.  What a lucky baby that cute little boy is to have a mom like her.  Here is where I lose you guys...

I don't think Ryan is an ass.  *ducks head and runs*.  I know, I know.  And, I'm sorry.  But I don't.  I mean, I don't think he's a stellar citizen or anything, but when I look at him (aside from the night he left her home for hours while he hooked up with ugly blondes), I see a boy who's afraid and lost and overwhelmed.  He has no idea how to provide for his baby or his girlfriend who he loves and he, like most men, has shut down emotionally.  He'll pay for it when it's too late for him to fix anything.  And I really do hope they take Dr. Drew's advice and get help, but right now, Maci's shut down, too and they've got to want it.  But I'm rooting for them.  

I'm in the mood to do another great one, so let's discuss Caitlyn.  Oh my, I am so happy I wasn't watching the show when they went through with the adoption.  My heart hurts just thinking about it.  And I felt so bad for her when I watched those episodes where she was in a mental frenzy worried about that baby and thinking about how she's doing.  I just can't imagine it all. Her and Tyler are such a grounded couple and I was so happy when he proposed.  You know, I really don't believe in teenage love ever working out, but if anyone has a chance, it's them.  I hope we get to see them as parents one day because their baby will be so freaking lucky.

Grrrrrrr! Farrah!!!!!!!!!   I was really, really infuriated watching all those episodes when she just left her baby to go party.  I am kind of pissed that no one really put her hand to the fire on the Check-Up show.  Someone needed to say without letting her squirm her way out of it or try to blame her mother that she DID leave her a lot and she's LUCKY she has her mom, as annoying as her voice and constant calmness is.  So many times did I wish that annoying mom would just slap her across the face.  Ugh and when she calls her dad by his first name???  Ew.  I was so proud of her sister for telling her that she's never with Sophia.  Because um, she's never with Sophia.  Derrr.  But seriously, I couldn't believe her shitty attitude when she sat there victimizing herself and blaming everyone else for her fucking troubles.  You have a healthy, happy baby girl.  You are going to school and are about to graduate and you have a job. Not to mention you don't pay for SHIT because your parents totally have your back.  Explain to me, exactly, how you're the victim?  

So that's it!  I am watching the previews for 16 & Pregnant but they all look so damn trailer trashy that I just don't know if I can watch.  I really hope they keep tabs on these moms though because there isn't an episode where I don't cry watching them and I really want to hear they've all made it. 

 

It's no surprise, really...

that I fell asleep again last night because the little one was bouncing on my head one more time.  Ha! But, don't worry...Wednesdays are my day off and despite the fact I should be studying my ass off, I instead spent the last two hours watching Monday night's Bachelor on TiVo.  Anyway, that's not how this post was supposed to start...

It's no surprise, really, that he sent Cory home.  But man, oh man, were we hoping it would go a different way!!  Ugh. I'm kind of disgusted with the whole thing.  I'm almost thinking it was better when I was just plain bored.  

I remain that Tenley is the one for him.  They are equally boring and both make me feel as if they have been invaded by space aliens and in the last episode, will peel off their masks of perfect smiles and gleaming eyes to reveal that they are taking over the world, one city at a time.  Yes, folks, they're starting with San Francisco!  And you know how they're doing it?!??!?!  They are invading our airwaves with perfectly timed installments of the "On the Wings of Love" chorus! 

What a gorgeous city!!!  I felt so excited for Valk the whole time I was watching.  I know I love seeing my beautiful city showcased on TV, and San Francisco is definitely a city to be proud of.  Ok, back to the recap...

Dude, what was the deal with Tenley bouncing on the couch when she got the first date card?!?!?!  So.Freaking.Weird!!!!!!

I want to know how they got the castle to San Francisco.  Was it built there, or brought over by pieces?  We have a spanish monastery (creatively called "The Spanish Monastery") that was brought over in pieces by Hearst.  It's gorgeous.  I also want to know why someone didn't trip Vienna when she was trying, yet again, to barge into someone else's date.  I seriously want to kick her.  Here's the thing about Vienna...she isn't Wes, really.  I mean, she hasn't said anything so offensive on camera that can lead us viewers to outright hate her and find her so vile that we can't imagine her staying on one more minute, forget one more show, but she is trouble.  She is underhanded and she is sneaky and I can really see, although they haven't chosen to show exactly why, the other girls really don't like her.  And the whole time I hear Jake talk about her, I keep thinking, "isn't it funny how we just don't learn from our experiences and how history really does repeat itself?".  Because I don't know about you, but I know that I keep wondering why a gazillion red flags aren't going off in his head strictly because of what he went through with Wes when all these women complain about Vienna. 

Women are some seriously shady characters.  But when you see the majority bonding, and all eyes on one, you should pay attention.  It isn't because they feel threatened by her, unless Jake has openly admitted he's into drag queens (more on that later), so you have to ask yourself over and over again, if there is some validity to those complaints...enough, in fact, to actually pay attention.  But, no...that's not what's happening here.  Shocker. 

How about those steamy windows whenever Gia and Jake are around, huh? Those two seem to be able to set off fire alarms!  I love it.  I think she deserves a good, boring guy like Jake.  Something tells me she's always gone for the bad boy and her time is due.  I totally thought she was on the chopping block when he said that she was way too insecure.  And he's not wrong.  It is draining when you have to constantly be reassuring someone of how great they are, especially when you're doing it to 4 other girls at the same time.  Aaaah, life as The Bachelor isn't all fun and games...

But ever the lady that she is, she didn't hold Vienna back by her hair and instead waited to see what the Cut Throat Diva would do...  BTW, Jake...it's kinda creepy to hear you say you had "dirty thoughts".  I felt like the 4th grade boy scout who lives down the street was peeking in my bathroom window.  Ew. 

So Cory's a virgin.  I feel bad that she probably thinks she went home because of that.  I don't think that's it at all.  I do think Jake was being honest when he said there were awkward moments and with only a few episodes left, that really can't be the case.  But I still feel bad for her.  I can say this because I don't have daughters:  I admire the virgin movement, I really do.  I just don't think it's practical in this day and age.  I knew a girl who was a virgin for a long, long, long time and I think it turned away a bunch of potential suitors because of it.  After a certain age (and I'd say 21 may be it), being a virgin is more a hindrance than something to put on your dating resume.  Look, sex shouldn't be the sole factor in determining life long partnership.  But it has to be *a* factor.  And the only way to know is by doin' it.  But anyway, Cory, it wasn't cause you're a virgin, I promise.  And I love the schpeal about not living together.  I've got your back on that one!  *high five*

Hmmm, who was next?  Oh, Ali!  I really do love Ali.  How is Ali still single?!?!?  To any of Ali's exes - WTF were you thinking?!?!   Now, oddly enough, Ali doesn't seem like a girl I'd like to hang out with on a personal level, but that doesn't mean I can't think she's damn fabulous independently. I was so happy that she got a date in her own backyard!!  Tell me-- did all that PDA make you as uncomfortable as it made me?  I'm all for making out in public, really I am.  But straddling in park in broad daylight?  Rrrrrrawr!  I kept thinking about all the frumpy moms that had their kids out at the park on such a gorgeous day.  "Mommy, why is that lady riding that man like a horsie?" .  Hahahaha.  I'm also really happy she moved past the whole "if he's into her, he can't be into me" thing.  I mean, I understood her point, but I didn't think shooting off her face to spare her nose (is that how it goes?) was the way to handle the situation.  

Finally, the Rose Ceremony...woo hooooooooo!  Oh, Vienna, Vienna, Vienna...tsk, tsk, tsk.  At first, I thought it was your tendency to cross your eyes that bothered me.  Then, I thought, "no, wait, that's not it! It's your nose that doesn't sit right, literally".  Yet again, I changed my mind and focused on the Battered Wife Make-Up, but now I finally realized what the deal is.  It was your bad blow over that did it.  Are you a porn star?  Or a drag queen?  Tell me the truth.  Not only are you tricking the Hunky Pilot into falling over you, but I think there's a whole community of trannies out there waiting to get a piece of you after that Rose Ceremony!  What were you thinking?  That was one bad do!  Coupled with your horribly faux Marilyn Monroe style (read: wannabe) choker and I was wishing it would have done what its name implies: CHOKED YOU!  

That's it til next week.  Guess what?!?!?  It's a real nail biter, YET AGAIN!  I swear these producers never cease to amaze me. *eye roll*