Ali- Episode 4: Unicorn Love and Bad Tattoos

 Seriously, girls, this one was just too damn good to wait one second longer to blog about.  I mean, you guys  (Jode & Valk) haven't even begun to see it, but I just can't go to bed without somehow releasing all this  pent up laughter from tonight's show.  It's really hard to watch a show this funny with two sleeping babies on either side of you.   What the hell was that?!  I swear, I have no idea how they come up with these things!

Chris Harrison walks in and does his preshow pep talk.  From now on, the remaining guys will be traveling around the world to help Ali find love.  The camera goes to Frank and yup, he does say "he's already done soooo many things with Ali", but he still feels a little threatened.  It's all so weird.  From our perspective, these guys see her for minutes at a time and yet they all have these bizarre "connections" to her.  It makes me batty.  

First Stop:  New York City.  Some fabulous gay guy is dressing Ali for her New York City dates.  Either Fabulous Gay Guy or his make up artist ask her about the guys and she references Kirk first? And WTH did she say about Kasey...is she suffering from marble mouth syndrome, too?  Ooooh, yeah...she's smitten by Roberto alright.  She totally took her panties off for Roberto already ferrrrrrr sherrrrr.  Frank? 'Soooooo funny'?? Hahahaha.  That's sooooo funny! 

Oh no. Date cards...1st date is with Kasey and wha? Kirk says dang it?? Ugh.  Only guys named Kirk say dangit. And apparently, guys named Kasey say "unrealizable potential". I swear, if it weren't for Tivo, I'd think I was taking some heavy drugs.  This whole episode was annoyingly funny to me.  I could not understand a fucking WORD Kasey was saying.  It was irritating the hell out of me because no matter how loud I put the damn TV, I still felt like I had an insurmountable amount of wax buildup in my ears. 

Before the date, all the guys sit around and discuss how Kasey feels he is very secure of the connection he has with Ali.  And then Cape Cod Chris refers to him as having Unicorn Love.  Pretty sure that's the best nickname yet.  Kasey really annoys the fuck out of me because he keeps saying "that girl".  And every time he says, "that girl", I get a visual of some white dude in a bad rap video doing an air signal for smacking that ass.  I don't know why my brain works that way...it just does.  So just imagine that for a moment and then wish right along with me that you could be outside of my brain every time he says "that girl".  "That girl is so gorgeous" [smack that ass].  "That girl has me crazy" [smack that ass].  Uggggg!!! Make it stoooop!!!!  Note to Kasey:  If said Unicorn Love really does include puppy dogs and cat whiskers and fairytales, please refrain from reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar before your first one on one with Ali because I don't know what  the fuck you just said about a damn cocoon and a fucking butterfly and Jake!!!!!!!!! [smack that ass].   As if everything Kasey related could get any worse... oh God, no...not an acapella.  You see, my brain isn't crazy-- it's intuitive.  He is the white dude in the really bad rap video and he won't shut up!  Then he ends it with a Beavis and Butthead giggle and a "that's pretty intense stuff". Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! Sound Guy loves us, ladies, cause cue in the crickets (except, in true NYC fashion, they weren't crickets, but seagulls to remind us of the Island of Manhattan--wink, wink)!  Woot wooooot!!

But wait!  The date isn't over.  It's actually only just begun.  How can that be?  Ali and Kasey go to the Museum of Natural History on the Upper West Side.  Ali's sitting there with this face thinking she just doesn't know what she's going to do.  Do any of you watch SNL?  I used to watch it back when Mango and the Butabi Brothers were big.  Ali has the same expression as the girls who would get sandwiched by the Butabi Brothers in the clubs while "What is Love" would play in the background.  I swear, all he needed was to unbutton his shirt, pull out his gold chain, and puff his chest hairs.  This guy is 27 years old.   He's either a) using lines that have never ever worked or b) living in some universe where he watches too many episodes of Knightrider or Chips thinking these lines *do* work.  Kasey totally reminds me of the newest psycho on Desperate Housewives -- the one who was Rex's son?  Freak.  We hear Ali in her confessional state that Kasey's a nice guy, blah blah blah... he's a little cheesy...blah blah blah...  Listen, cream cheese is a little cheesy.  Kasey?  Kasey 's got more cheese than the state of Wisconsin, Green Bay fans and their bad hats included.    But you know, he just doesn't stop.  Ali's deer in headlights look doesn't even slow him down.  She's a brave one, that Ali and risks telling him how she feels and what does he say?  Tivo, rewind, Tivo, rewind, Tivo, rewind:  "This is who I am, this is my heart...jump in and stay a while."  And then another fucking song.  I can't make this shit up.   I swear.  Because if I could, I would have never thought about the line where he says after finishing his third freaking acapella "heh heh heh, it just kinda came to me.  This is what you do-- you inspire me".  Barf. 

Ladies, we've got a new drinking line!!!  Get yer soft liquor cause we're going to get drunk real soon!  Take a shot every time Kasey says "guard and protect your heart"!  Go!!!  Yup, once more!!  Uh-huh, keep going...atta girl!!  Yeah, yeah, don't stop yet!  Nope, you've got about 6,548,876,252 more shots to go!!

Ok, we survived that one.  The next one is the Broadway group date and what about Gay Weatherman peeing himself from the excitement of Broadway doesn't say funtastic coming our way?!  Nothing, that's what!

I have to interject here and say that if my friend Tess heard Ali, a "big" theater fan proclaim the Lion King to be one of the best productions on Broadway, she might just have a coronary.  Don't get me wrong, it's a great show, but it isn't one of those "critically acclaimed" shows that big theater fans usually rant and rave about.  Way too Hollywood for the hardcore Broadway buff.   Alright, back to fun!

And really, what isn't fun about a bunch of guys in black biker shorts and pastel colored shirts??  What about this date doesn't have Richard Simmons written all over it??  Nothing, that's what!!  C'mon, let's keep moving to the oldies!!  These guys are brave.  I have to give them that much.  I would never embarrass myself for a guy.  Never.  I have dignity.  If dignity isn't enough, then too fucking bad.  Nothing's dignified about biker shorts in any era that isn't the 1980s.  And then they have to sing, too?  Wowsa.  They all freaking suck.  Except for DGG.  DGG can sing.  But hold on to your wet panties, ladies, Roberto's on the prowl!  Roberto, the mastermind behind looking at Ali while singing wins.  And the guys all call him Rico Suave.  Which is funny.  And stereotypical (pssssst, Valk...total RACIAL PROFILING!).  But aside from that, I wonder how many of them actually know where the term comes from.  Gerardo, anyone? 

I don't know what it was about tonight's show that really highlighted the confessionals for me.  I don't know if I ever paid much attention before.  But tonight, they are hilarious.  Frank's confessionals, in particular, are just making me pee.  They're never anything short of him having a complete titfit.  He needs a xanibar, asap.  We need a pharmacist...xanibars for Frank and cockzac for Weatherman. 

Anyway, Roberto "winning" (and I use that term lightly) this Lion King competition means that he gets to perform with Ali.   And while they're practicing, I can't help but wonder what in the world is sexy about  a pasty latin guy hanging in the air while sitting in a paper mached diaper?   Let's not even begin to discuss what the costume does to Ali's body...it totally transforms her into this wide-backed, flat assed, thing and then we get a shot of the guys discussing and yes, ladies, Kirk said cooch, quickly followed by cleavage.  If I were a paying guest, I'd want my damn money back.  Pronto!   At the end of the performance, we get to hear Roberto say how he'll never forget the night with Ali.  Yeah. I'll never forget seeing a guy hang from a diaper on Broadway either.  Ever.

Alright, another wrap party. Yawn.  Wait...are these guys all drinking amaretto sours? Hahaha., I sure think soooo!!!  Richard Simmons catered the afterparty, too, ladies, because only gay guys in polyester daisy dukes drink amaretto sours!  Alright, so during the wrap party, Frank is so freaked out by her "connection" with Roberto that he begins fraternizing with the Weatherman.   I mean, c'mon Frank! Hold your own !!  Ali senses Frank's major meltdown and she and him go outside.  Now, I don't know about you, but their one date was like EONS ago and they seem she seems rather close and comfy for someone who's had so much space.  Which brings me to this only logical conclusion:  She totally slipped her panties off for Frankie boy, tooooo! Niiiice!!  "Whorish" or not, if you know you're going to be engaged at the end of this, then I'm all for sleeping with as many of them as possible (discreetly).  You never know which one of these sorry guys will be the owner of the very last penis you see.  I'm just sayin'. 

This date ends because Ali does not feel good at all.  We aren't sure if she's finally mortified over the diaper in air over Broadway scene or the horror of keeping Kasey thru the Rose Ceremony finally hits her or if maybe she's just got a bad cold.  It could really be a culmination of all three.  But if that weren't bad enough, she turns and says to the guys, "Kirk will be walking me up to my room" and the guys have a total and I mean TOTAL conniption.  Of course, led by Gay Weatherman...who sits there and contemplates as the milliseconds go by what in God's name could Kirk and Ali be doing up there!   And, that, ladies is a question only a gay virgin who insists on batting for the other team (in this case, Team Ali instead of Team Rated-R, for instance) can ask over and over and over again and not know the answer to.  "Kissing" probably doesn't cut it, buddy. 

 Woo hoooooo!  Final date goes to the Birthday Boy!!!  I wonder what sign he is.  It still looked cold, but not too cold.  He doesn't seem like he could be an Aquarius and I really hope he isn't a Capricorn.  Anyway, Chris L., I freaking LOVE youuuuuuuuu!!!!!  Backpack, bad striped shirt, jeans with sneakers, your incessant love for the word "like" and allll!!  He showed up with soup and a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I swear, Chris L., you had me at "The Cahd". 

The date with Cape Cod Chris is going as well as we all knew it would.  They seem to have an "adult" relationship, which involves a lot of talking and connecting on more a more intellectual level.  Their relationship so far doesn't seem like it's sprinkled with that intense physical attraction, but honestly, in this setting, I'm all for it.  I think if you can fight the ulterior motives of the producers and build your own connection sans hormone inducing scenarios, then you've got yourself a winner. Ali calls his dad so that Cape Cod can speak to him for his birthday and of course that wins tons of points for both Ali and Cape Cod Chris and then they go off to the rooftop where some guy named Joshua Radin is playing.  And this is her favorite guy EVER.  I have never heard of him.  Does that make me old?  Out of touch with today's youth?  Ok.  But what I really want to know is why Ali does insist on doing this bouncy twirly dance, regardless of what the rhythm of the song actually is?  Despite the overzealous dancing, we get enough romance (read=alcohol) to induce a make out moment.  Finally!  I mean really, it was taking way too long.  He should have went in for the kill when they were inside on the couch.  But then, just then, I see it...oh no. Oh no. Oh nooooooo!!!!!  The kiss.  He's a face sucker.  I could tell.  Oh no.  Valk, where's your calculator?? Deduct 140!!! And bring the plunger...she's going to need a little help to break free from that kiss.

During Cape Cod Chris' date, Marble Mouth Kasey disappears from the room and goes to get a tattoo.  You know, because he doesn't understand why Ali thinks he was being insincere, so tattooing a heart and a shield on his wrist of all places is the way he's going to show her.  Let's not forget, ladies, that Kasey is there to guard and protect her heart.  And all he wants is someone to guard and protect his.  What he doesn't realize is that he's looking for a Rottweiler, not a wife.  Kasey leaves the tattoo shop and tells us viewers how he's proud of himself because of his tattoo and how this for sure means and will prove to Ali he's "literally wearing his heart on his sleeve".  You fucking fucktard!  For fuck's sake!!!  You tattooed your wrist, you asshat!  It's not like you threw on an Ed Hardy shirt!  Hardly a literal translation at all, you dumb fuck!

Holy hell, I can't take this season.  I just can't.  I just can't stop laughing long enough.  Cocktail party time and I must say right now, Kasey, when your skin tone, your shirt and your tie are all the same color, that is not considered a fashion forward monochromatic look.  I promise. Oh God, here's Gay Weatherman in a confessional begging for a rose.  And yes, he does pick up a couch pillow and attempt to pin it to his suit.  Asshat, that's a peony. Not a rose.  Yeah. I hope she gives you a friggin peony.

Wait a minute...I want to know something.  Have you guys noticed the random quiet guy in the black suit and gray tie?  Who is that?  Is he an undercover air marshall who accompanied them on their CA to NY flight? Will he be following them on all their flights around the world?  Interesting. 

The cocktail party is Rated-R's chance to show us all he's a friggin' sissy.  He acts like a 13 year old about to tell the teacher the kid behind him is looking up girls' skirts with the mirror he's taped to his shoe laces.   I get the desire to expose Kasey and his bad tattoo, but I don't get the purpose, other than making you look just as bad as the rest of them.  He calls Kasey out and finally, Kasey gathers the boys around the fireplace and shows him how much he cares.  He really shows them how he's here for the right reasons.  He wants us all to know that there's a lot of passion in that tattoo and he's going to show Ali just how much he's here for the right reasons and how sincere he really is.  But not before explaining to us that he also put 11 rocks (???) on the tattoo representing each of the remaining guys?!  What.The.Hell?!  I demand an on-air interview with the tattoo artist!! I want his take on it ASAP!  I couldn't, for the life of me, make out what Cape Cod Chris said, but it was really, really, really fucking funny and something along the lines of being the "Bachelorette Dude with the bad tattoo".   Kasey has some alone time with Ali where he's going to do his "big reveal" only to be interrupted.  But not before enlightening us with his analysis of what went wrong on their museum date. "Um, I overcompensated a little" and so now I'm going to show you my freak tattoo???  Why, oh why did Frank have to interrupt?  We could have been back to audible contestants just in time for Iceland...

Rose time, girls.  The Air Marshall stays.  The creepy lawyer named Craig gets one, too.  Rated-R is in for one more entertaining week...DGG is nice and sweaty while waiting for his name to be called and the final rose goes tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...............................KASEY?!?!  Over DGG?!?!?!  What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?!?!

DGG--I mean, Jesse, I promise I'll reinstate cow tipping just for you-- forget Cars.  But wait, when you say you "can't wait to see your dogs", do you mean your 'woof woof dogs' or your 'yo' wut up dawgs'?

Maybe it really wasn't meant to be...

Ali- Episode 3-Part 2: Here for the Right Reasons!

Ohhhh yeah...the benefits of splitting this blog up in two parts is not needing to be torn on the title! Woot woot!!

Before I start, I want to reply to Valk's comments (thank you, btw, for keeping my mind off the surgery).  First, Gay Weatherman does not need a Prozac...he needs a Cockzac.  ASAP.  And despite my beers and mango margaritas I do remember your number rating system which I absolutely LOVED.  Cape Cod Chris is totally a +20.  I just love him.  And I would love to be on a trip to the Cod with my favorite hippie Republican the only hippie Republican I know.   Hee heee heee.   Also, I think Daniel is totally right.  I mean, c'mon...the hot tub scene which was more of a spectacle was totally unwarranted.  I don't like it when the guys make out in front of the other girls, I surely am going to be put off when the girls do it.  But thank you, Daniel, for putting the right emphasis on it - que puta! Did he say anything about the car scenes?  That's just funny.  However, I must deduct about a gazillion points from Daniel for not spotting the TGG (Token Gay Guy).  Because for  all his sexy manliness, I am sure your Daniel would not be caught dead in a tight white jacket with a sexy purple shirt underneath.  And let's not even bring up the crying.  There's no crying in speedos!!  EVERRRRR!

Ok, where were we?  Ah, yes...the "controversial" scene.   Let me try and take myself back a little...  In the beginning of the show, Chris Harrison walks in and says, in a weird, on the spot kind of way, that things are heating up and the guys have to do "anything they can" to get some alone time with Ali, right?  And then, Rated-R goes on this group date where he can't get into the hot tub, where he's stuck doing the House of Pain (jump around, jump around, jump up jump up and get down!) again, but I can't remember when the second one on one date card comes in.  Regardless, the show made is seem as if the dates are all back to back to back and that Rated-R decided the morning after his group date to break free and One-Leg-Up it all the way to her house, right?  Are we supposed to believe this?  Am I supposed to believe that no other person in Bach history has ever tried to go to the contestant's house?  Oh, wait, Wes snuck into Jillian's balcony when they were staying on site.  And, well, we all know what a douche Wes turned out to be.  But seriously?  And so since it's so forbidden, as they make it seem, we're supposed to think that the security guards just let him out of his house, gave him directions to her house and drove behind him at super duper slow speed while filming his hobble up and down these crazy California mountains, until he gets to her house?  Ok, whatevs!  

Did they kiss or anything while they were there?   I was on Facebook when that scene was going on so I wasn't paying too much attention.  I really wasn't as offended or outraged as all the other guys were, only because I think if anyone else would have thought of it, they would have done the same thing.  The guy isn't really that off when he says he's been at a huge disadvantage because of his cast.  I mean huge might be a bit of an exaggeration, but you know, he did have to limp around during the sandy calendar scene, he wasn't able to go in the hot tub, and he's always the slowest one to get to her when the guys start their massive swarming.  However, when I realized it was cutting into Hunter's date, then I was a little put off.  Not because I think her and Hunter would have had some connection had the date had the chance to last 2 more hours, (OMG, could you just imagine that date lasting TWO MORE HOURS?!) but because maybe she was so over the moon with his supposed 5 mile hobble that she didn't really give him the time of day.  What I can't figure out is how she translated his move into "he really showed me he'll do anything for me".  But hey, if it works for you...  Soooo, do we think he hobbled back down or does someone think maybe he caught a ride?  Hahahaha!  I was also wondering why no one picked him up.  You really think those roads were so isolated that not one person driving them saw a film crew and a hot guy in crutches and didn't offer to give him a lift?  This one I'm just not buying. 

Do we have to talk about Hunter's date?  All I can remember is the cricket noises the sound guy cleverly put in during their outdoor fireplace scene.  I get the producer's her rationale behind picking a stay at home date, but really?  Do we really think that the atmosphere had nothing to do with her intense emotions over guys like Frank and Jesse (that's DGG- I remembered his name)?  I purposely left out Roberto because I can pretty much assure it doesn't matter where those two are, he would create a spark.   You know, maybe Frank wasn't soooo dreamy (you girls totally tainted me!), but being under the Old Hollywood sign was and wow!  As much as I want it to be otherwise, DGG is a friggin' bore, yet I know from experience one can assume that the backdrop of Vegas added a storyline in Ali's mind that just wasn't there.  Not to get all scientific here, but there are certain hormones in play when you're feeling all high which are the same hormones in play when you're feeling in love.  These show people really know what they're doing and next time Ray tells me I'm an idiot for believing that people can fall in love in a few weeks, I will explain to him how this "love" is biologically induced.  Pft.  Which brings us back to poor, big eared (was he the Uke guy?) Hunter, his boring stay at home date and and his packed bags.  Wuahwahwah.

What was fucked up about it all was Rated-R's insistence that Hunter was going home.  I'm not down with  even a slight air of entitlement from anyone, not even someone as hot as you, RR!  I can't bear to hear Kasey speak -- I realize he probably has a hearing aid so that's mean for me to say -- but it isn't even that, it's just that he looks totally fucking creepy and really, hasn't ever said anything or done anything that warrants him being kept.  But it's still early enough where she isn't really getting rid of people who haven't wowed her, she's still eliminating people who have offended her.  Ugh, I got sidetracked.  Alright, so then there was the male hot tub scene where Rated-R starts crying.  There's just way too much crying on this show, and oddly enough, it isn't from the Bachelorette.  I get the need to show these guys how genuine you are and I really do feel bad for him because I know what it feels like to be somewhere you are hated.  Right now, we don't know whether there is or isn't a reason for it, other than maybe all these guys are mad that the WWF turned into the WWE?  Or that Hulk Hogan sold out to MTV.  I mean really, I don't know.  I get that wrestling is lame and all, but I don't get all the envy.  But anyway, the hot tub scene is where we started to hear the guys moan and groan about who was there "for the right reasons".  Let's just break that little cliche apart right here, right now.  What are the "right reasons"?  Does anyone really believe that any of those guys are there to "fall in love"?  I've never ever ever met a man worth a shit who at that age, was trying to fall in love.  Never.   So, are the "right reasons" wanting to make out with a hot girl on national TV?  How about trying to get laid with camera crews all around?  Hmmm, or promoting your shitty wrestling name?  I don't get it.  None of them, other than maybe the sorry sap of a Bachelorette, are "there for the right reasons".  I really hope you are all saying that aloud with me because while I'm typing, I am totally hearing it in chorus. 

Finally, we get to the cocktail party.  This big annoying guy, who really isn't any different than the big annoying guy in the Jillian season who kept referring to "Man Code" was bashing Rated-R.  And all the guys were just hovering around like he was some quarterback calling a play.  Why do guys do that?  I hate when I see men acting like girls. Why the gossiping?  This is why Ray won't watch the show with me.  Because he starts in on his never ending rant about how men don't learn how to be "men" in this day and age and he has no explanation for it other than to say it's just "being a man!".  That is probably because it doesn't translate over well, but basically it's what is called "condiciones de hombre", literally, conditions of a man.  Still a little vague, don't you think?  Anyway, so there in the background is little old Rated-R and I really appreciate the fact that he's able to confront them all and of course, they all get eerily quiet.  Because you know, for all the shit-talking they do, none of them want to say it in his face.  But they do, and then he goes off and cries.  I felt bad for him.  It has to suck to be in some strange house with a bunch of guys trying to get with "your" girl and then on top of that, they all hate you.  Part of what I love most about this show is seeing the friendships form and seeing how upset the other contestants are when one of their friends doesn't get a rose.  I think I love it so because I think it's unrealistic or maybe even impossible, so it's always a nice surprise for me.

Who did she talk to during the cocktail party?   Did she talk to Psycho Frank?  I can't remember.  I remember she spoke to Kasey.  And she spoke to Roberto.  And this is where Roberto gave me a slight case of heebie jeebies.  Because it was Roberto who then went running in to tell allll the other guys that Justin had gone to her house.  Again, way too girlie for me.  Ray was watching at that point and I asked him why he was so offended by that (his rant started).  I wanted to know what he would have done differently and his response was he would have gone straight up to Rated-R and talked to him about it and then left it at that.  He says the way Roberto ran to tell everyone else was totally uncalled for.  I can see his point. 

Anyway, in the end, Gay Weatherman gets a rose and so does Rated-R.  The End.  Oh, if only it were so.  Gay Weatherman gets a rose?!  So weird.   She axed the nice guy who made a picnic for her in front of the house, and since right now, she's still about eliminating only those who offend, I can only assume he had really, really bad breath. 

Next week, they go somewhere fun and I swear I thought I saw pee trickling down Gay Weatherman's leg when she let them know.  Why aren't all the manly men ranking on the sissy?  Why are they all hung up on Rated-R?

We shall see...

Ali- Episode 3-Part 1: The Plaid Shirt is Haunting Me

Really, the title for this one was a total toss up.  It could have easily been called the episode where our favorite line took front and center stage-- it could have been called the "Here for the Right Reasons" episode.  *eye roll*!

 I was hoping we'd at least get through another couple weeks before we had to start taking shots every time someone says "for the right reasons".  How ever am I supposed to blog if I won't be coherent enough to remember?
   

Back to the plaid shirt.  Because for all that went on last night, I can't get past it.  Valk, bare (bear?) with me.  I promise I'm not spoiling anything but it is just human nature for me to connect the dots!  I don't mean to do it!  I've been fighting the conspiracist in me all day!  But I can't any longer.  And FTR, I have not even spoken to the girl at work and have avoided her like the plague because I do not want to know.  But you know, the show people-- they suck. 

First one on one date of the night was with Roberto.  Do you remember Jesse the snowboarder?  Well, apparently he blogged somewhere that Bach has absolutely no control over who they pick for the one on ones or the group dates!  It's totally "random" according to the whims of the producers and the "story line".  Do not ask me why I am surprised and yes, I am the asshole who swallows most of this BS up. 

So, they go on a helicopter ride, right?  And what to do I notice?  The plaid shirt.  Yeahp.  Because, you know, in the previews they showed the first episode which they probably won't ever show again where some guy is accused of having a girlfriend, it's a guy in a plaid shirt.  I was fer sher it was Justin.  But now...now I wonder.  And yes, yes, yes, I know that's what they want me to do!!  Hook, line and sinker, man...

So they go walk on a tight rope.  Now, I don't really believe they didn't fall.  Hahahaha!  The things for me not to believe.  And that kiss in the middle was so staged!  I was uncomfortable watching it.  Because the date seemed eerily familiar to Jake and Triple V's first date where they kissed while hanging upside down...boh-ring!    Anyway, so it seems a little unbelievable that they would have gone that long distance without falling.  Or turned on a string, kissed, and not tipped one or the other over.  Just not probable.  But whatevs.  Bygones.

What is it about our latin men???  Oh man, when I saw her having dinner with him, she was just soooooo smitten!  You white girls luuuuuurve the latin spice (was that racial profiling, Valk?  huh? Huh?  RPRPRPRPRPR!- jajajajaja!).  I can totally see why.  I was just sitting in bed observing him and remembering.  There is just a certain amount of untainted chivalry that most good latin men will have.  It's a machista quality they carry proudly and most definitely why I love them so.  I love the look of American men...I do.  But no way.  There's very few things that can compare to that feeling of being the Queen...of being the only woman in the world that matters when they look at you and touch you with this spark that seems to permeate from ALL of them.  The problem is, you aren't the only girl feeling it! Hahahaha!  Ok, so yeah, I can see why you all love Roberto.  I'm on board now, too.  At least I was during the date.

After my rant yesterday on my facebook page about my children speaking too much English, I want to interject here and say that I promise I did not pay the Bachelorette people to have a storyline which timed itself perfectly with said rant. And I also want to say that I wonder if I was wrong about Roberto and think that he may be either Cuban (probable) or Venezuelan.  I didn't think either at the time of the first episode. 

Alright, back to the date.  It was nice and all.  She's amazed by his "culture".  He is totally in to her.  And we think he's oh so cute and sweet and chivalrous and dreamy and you know, when we look at him, it's not like he's apparently sexy.  Like overly obvious sexy like Rated-R.  So this is where I used to always feel I was getting into some untapped market when I would pick out the quiet, sweet type in the back and avoid the Lead Singer, but I can promise you that what we're seeing, every other girl he comes into contact with is seeing, too.  Maybe things are a little slow for him in his current town in South Carolina, but I can't for the life of me figure out how a Roberto, ex minor leaguer, dreamy, "cultured", twenty-six year old ends up on the Bachelorette.  But this is of course, the plaid shirt talking.  End of date, he gets a rose.  I also want to add that I totally think they did the nasty already.  Way too much cuddling going on on that roof top for a first date.  I also want to say she is damn lucky there was no car to drive because if you want to take all that dreaminess, hot, sexy spiceyness away from a latin guy -- any latin guy [who's worth a shit] -- then don't you dare think about emasculating him.  They treat you like Queens alright.  With the full, unspoken understanding that you will be treating them like Kings.  Yes, the King...the Master of his Domain.  Don't argue with it.  Don't fight it.  For christ's sake, don't get stereotypically feminista over it, either.  Or your days are numbered.  Ali, if you're reading this (hahahaha!) and you picked him, trust me!! 

While Roberto was busy romancing the girl, the group date card came in.  A bunch of everyones got on their and a few I can't remember whos didn't.  Oooooooooh, the group date.   So many things wrong, so little time to cover them all.  I'm typing quickly while Bryan is asleep so I'm hoping he doesn't wake up.

First of all, other than that first song they sang to get everyone in the group familiarized with who the fuck they were, I can't pick out a Bare Naked Ladies song for the life of me.  As Kristin's text said today while she was watching it online, "The Bare Naked Ladies are so not awesome!".  But I digress.  I swear, girls, I think these producers are writing for US now!!!  Just me an yous!!!  Why else would they give us so much damn material to pee ourselves all over?!  I can't tell if it's my incontinence due to vaginal birth or the sheer hilarity of it all.   I'm totally betting on the latter.

I think I must fast forward right now.  Right through the 9 takes of slapping Frank, which hurt me at the end of it all.  Right through Denim Get Up Guy and his steamy muscles and piercing blue eyes.  Right through the sexy kissing Cape Cod Chris on the back in the mirror to the only scene worth a damn.  Yes, girls, the Gay Weatherman and his kissing scene.  One of the main reasons I rushed to finish last week's blog before watching this week's is because I didn't want to be tainted.  Last week, when he totally flipped his fucking lid over having to wear speedos for the calendar shoot, I felt bad for him having to expose his small penis size on national TV.  He didn't voluntarily admit the information in the same way that One Minute Man did the first night.  He was forced to package those puppies into a vacuum seal of a bathing suit and expect to come out looking ok.  Or not.  So I felt bad for him.  I was uncomfortable for him.  But, after last night's reaction, I can not only confirm and bet my right boob (which, BTW, is the official moneymaker of *this* house) that he's a flaming, FLAMING call the Fire Dept he is BURNING homosexual, but that he also has some serious psychological issues which will ensure that when he gets back to wherever he's from (oh please don't let it be Texas!), he will no longer be the Weatherman, unless the Bravo Network is taking up a news show where his Gay Weatherman services will be needed.  Did this fucking guy CRY over a kissing scene?!?!  Was he seriously in a sweat induced meltdown due to a KISSING SCENE?  Did he have performance anxiety over some TONGUE ACTION?!  Look, you can say the guys were being "mean" or insensitive or whatever, but c'mon...you can't give someone that much material to work with and not expect a reaction!  I seriously threw up a little in my mouth when she was finally able to suck it up and kiss him.  Oh God.  And then the way he touched her hair and her back???  Oh my God.  Never.Been.Laid.   I was so freaking creeped out.  But, that scene begs this question:  Is there something wrong with the Weatherman, or with the sorry ass Bachelorette who kept him around?  I mean, what does it say about what, exactly, you're looking for when you keep a gay guy around?  And not because there's anything wrong with gay guys.  Except for maybe when they're on a dating show where the WOMAN is the final prize.  I'm just sayin'. 

Another few notable train wrecks during the video taping were, of course, Frank's spasmatic reaction to anything related to another man touching Ali ( I could totally see him going into a corner and popping his anti-anxiety medication) and the Kirk scene.  Ooooh, the Kirk scene....there's something disturbing to me about any guy named Kirk.  It's the same thing as a guy named Chet.  Blech!!  Is Kirk Scrapbook Guy?!?  I think he is!  Anyway, so here she is doing this steamy bedroom scene with a bunch of guys she really hasn't had much contact with and all of a sudden she has to roll around in silk sheets while dry humping some guy she's never even hugged??  So weird.  Reeeeeeeaaaaaallly uncomfortable for me to watch.  I mean, let's be realistic...it's not like he's the sexiest thing on there.  And, you know, he may exude some sort of unspoken sex appeal that is completely lost in translation due to the camera, but I doubt it.  At least there isn't enough of that to warrant that kind of a scene from her. Or Frank's oversized meltdown over the "connection" her and Kirk were experiencing.  Because until that moment, he was the only guy there was a "connection" with.  Alternate universes really are fun!

The wrap up party (also completely played out and oh-so-familiar thanks to last season's exact same wrap up party, but without psycho Michelle to make it entertaining) was also weird and uncomfortable.  First of all, Denim GG needs to step things up.  His tallness isn't going to get him noticed if he doesn't actually say anything.  Right now he's just standing around like a Royal Palm instead of swaying in the breeze like a coconut tree.  Be the coconut tree, DGG!!!!  Secondly, did Gay Weatherman really ask for a "real" kiss so he could perfect his technique?  Dewd.  That's what highschool stairwells were for.  Duh!  I can't remember who saved her, but man, was she lucky.  Cape Cod Chris:  I just don't know about him!  I totally loved him the first day and every time he says, "you gahtta come up to the Cahd" I just want to melt! But I can't figure out if his enthusiasm is cockiness or if he's just making the best of every opportunity he gets with her?  Tell me, girls, were you satisfied with his admission on this episode?  I thought it was sweet and really got nervous thinking he was going to cry. And I totally loved his tattoo.  I originally thought it was something the video people drew on to make the white towel mirror scene steamier.  For now, I still think he's the best one for her.  He's older.  He's family oriented.  He's HOT HOT HOT.  And he lives on the "Cahd".  Le swoon! Valk, does Cape Cod have the same sexy allure for republicans as it does for democrats?  Is it because you know there's always a Kennedy you can expose when you hear it? ;-)

Oh man, I'm getting sleepy.  Damnit, I still have 3 more breakdowns to go!!  I might do this one in installments.  Ok, yes, that's what I'll do.  Besides, girls, if I actually do a timely blog, then WTH will we have to anticipate all week??

Part 2 coming soon.  We still have Justin, Tyler (or was it Hunter??) -- sorry, Hunter -- and then the Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony to go...  woooo hooooooooooo!

Ali - Episode 2: I Love Quirky

I really do.  I have such bizarre taste in men.  My husband is totally not my type.  Seriously, in my single days, the things that would attract me to a man was the most absolute random thing in the world.  The thing that would disgust me immediately thereafter was equally as random.  I digress...

Woooo hoooooooooooo!  First dates!!!!!!!!!! Alright, so I admit it -- I totally did not get why she picked Frank (wait...is his name even Frank?!) as her first date.  I mean really?  Overzealous Paris Screenwriter Guy?  Seriously?  Whatevs.  The guys in the house couldn't figure it out either, although that really isn't saying much with that bunch of geniuses she's got going there.  Anyway, what did she call the date again?  Old Hollywood?  Or something.  So she gets some classic car, which was a nice touch and all if a) she would have let him drive and b) it had not broken down on the highway.  WTF?  And, I'm sorry...but the turn off for me right then and there would have been the fact that Frank didn't know how to fix it.   Right there it would have been a bring out the gong moment.  I'm telling you, I'm horrible.  

However, since I am not the Bachelorette, it doesn't much matter.  I really cannot fucking remember where they went other than the old Hollywood sign.  And that is where I realized why Frank.  I have to tell you, as long as he keeps his glasses on (I have a thing for glasses, as long as the lens is not so thick that genetically speaking, our future children would be doomed to a life of bad eyesight), I find Frank totally dreamy and sexy.  Because I love quirky (which really means borderline nerdy, doesn't it?).  I have a picture of a guy I dated when I lived in New York who seriously could have been Frank's brother.  Anyway, I don't know why I hadn't gotten why Frank before.   Wait, scratch that.  Actually, I do know why.  Because the problem with guys like Frank is that they're a little bipolar. Very few girls who think they can find love by going on a completely fixed dating show are prepared to handle a guy who just lays it all out there, as Frank did over and over again, not only on their date, but afterward.  It's too much pressure.  It took Single A a long time to figure out that as much as I loved love and loved being in love, I really couldn't handle love.  It was waaaaay too sappy and in your face for me.  I much preferred just imagining I was in love.  Now, I'm not saying that Ali and Single A are alike in the least bit...I'm just saying that for the most part, you have to be willing to play the game for all of eternity, and Frank is the antithesis of the game.  Frank wants to bleed his emotions on to you right then and there, forget the fact that you're wearing white pants.  She's flattered now, but at some point, it may be a little much. In the end, he gets the rose.  Because I think we all like to think that nice guys finish first.  If he's as nice as he seems to be, and shows a little more emotional stability, I will definitely be a fan of reminiscing with Frank, despite the shady ass move he pulled at the Rose Ceremony interrupting a conversation she was having with someone who didn't have a date with just to tell her how much he wanted to make babies with her.  *eye roll*

Next up:  Group Date!!!!  WTF is it with this season and small penises?!  I mean really!!!!!  Can we get some female casting directors to have the contestants model in speedos before the 25 are picked?  Really, the guys are not all that cute.  It didn't really hit me before until the thought of actually paying for a calendar with those guys in it struck me as a total and utter waste of money.   That Craig M. guy is something else.  He really enjoys looking at himself, doesn't he?  The guy that calls out "hidden agenda" surely smells of hidden agenda himself, huh??  And ugh, his hair is way too perfect.  Believe it or not, I am pretty low maintenance as far as getting ready is concerned.  I could never ever ever be with a guy who takes longer to get ready than I do or who is more concerned with his hair than I am.  Ew.  Double Ew.  Likewise, I could also never be with a guy who is so freaking paralyzed with fear at the thought of having to wear a black speedo because his balls are too small that he is seriously sick over it.  Watching Jonathan the Weatherman stress over that was funny.  Well, it would have been funny if it wasn't so damn uncomfortable to watch.  At the end of the day, I don't think any of us want him demeaned *that* much...well, Jode, I can totally see you cracking up over that, no mercy.  That's why I love ya!   BTW, have you guys checked out the calendar online?  Totally not what it looked like on set. 

Wooot! Woooot!  Third date-- Second one on one.  I can't remember his name.  Mr. Peculiar.  Wow is he dreamy.  I really don't get why Craig M. made such a big deal over his tattoos.  I think it's pretty much a given that in this day and age, most guys have tattoos.  Especially most 24 year old guys.   As dreamy as he is, though, I just don't get the desire to be with someone who requires soooooooo much polishing.    And, you know, when you give someone who's first [tacky] suit was bought to meet you a pair of cufflinks, you're pretty much stressing the desire to polish him.  I think I wouldn't have known whether to be offended or touched, but I'm totally leaning towards offended.  Ugh, there went Ali, jumping in the Ferrari and driving again...  I mean, I get that it's her show and she can do whatever she wants and yes, she should drive the nice cars and be "in control", so to speak, but jeez!  there's a lot to be said for showing a little grace and letting the men feel like they're in charge, too.  At the end of it all, I promise, it's only going to benefit you, Ali. 

So, did you get that maybe Mr. Peculiar was a little b-boy who was trying too hard?  I know editing has a lot to do with how we interpret the guys, but I really felt like she was pulling teeth the entire date.  And when he says that he was "finally able to open up", I was like wha?  Wowsa, if that's opening up, we're gonna need some clam shellers, folks!  I was glad she kept him, because my goodness, all that tallness is....wow, just WOW, but still.  Do I think it's a match?  Not yet.  I really don't think I much care either because I don't particularly have a soft spot for Ali anymore.  She really began to annoy me towards the end of her run on The Bachelor and I think her last nail was when she showed up to her last Rose Ceremony in a dress and some sloppy ass ponytail.  

2nd Rose Ceremony!!  Ok, let me just say again for the record that all weathermen...I'm sorry...meteorologists are gay.  Hands down.   As a matter of fact, at the exact writing of this sentence, I have asked my two Resident Gay Experts and am waiting on their observation as well.  But I have no doubt that the white jacket was not oh so trendy and was oh so gay.  In a really, really, really fabulous kind of way.  Way too fabulous for a straight guy.  Period.  And while I don't necessarily disagree with him advising Ali that Craig M is a total douche, I do find it HIGHlarious that he would state that he's "dangerous".  I think what he meant was aggressive?  A pot waiting to boil over?  full of anger management issues?  But just using the word "dangerous" with the accompanying facial expressions and apparent disgust was just too funny and warranted mocking by Douchebag Craig M. 

So, during the before talks, she spoke to Roberto and other than his name being Roberto, I think I love him, too.  He has those deep dark brown eyes I always love and he plays baseball?!  Say it ain't so!!!  And yeah, dare I say a little on the nerdy side?  Although I can tell you from vast experience, the whole nerdy/homey/quirky on the outside usually means nothing other than a good cover to be super sneaky on the inside.  Not sneaky in a bad, shady kind of way, but sneaky in a I'm not really as innocent as I look kind of way.  Sometimes, it's almost better to just go ahead and date what I like to call the Lead Singers (or obvious attention whores) because at least with them, you really know where you're going. 

She also spoke to Cape Cod Chris and while I originally loved him and am holding further judgment until more is known, I think he laid on the Massachusetts a little too thick due to nervousness and it came out a tad bit obnoxious. 

In the end, she gets rid of Craig M and a couple other guys whose names I can't possibly remember.  But it's gonna get gooooood, ladies!  Woo hooooooo!