Oh, the Final Rose

He should have handed her two Final Roses so Vienna could keep them both within eyesight. 

Have you guys seen The Soup?  Joel McHale is freaking hilarious and says the funniest shit like, "And now on to the Bachelor, where Vienna...who isn't really crosseyed, she's just playing ping pong with her eyeballs..." hahahaha.  I tried youtubing, but couldn't find anything related.

Anyway... oh man, where do I start?  Ah yes, we start with the family dates where in the intro Tenley talks about nothing other than- drumroll, please- her ex-husband.  And as Valk pointed out, OHMYGOD that VOICEEEEEEEEE!  Jake's parents, brothers and sisters-in-law all just love her, and really, why wouldn't they?  Clearly, they didn't pick up on the voice or the fact that she sat down with each and every one of them and talked about....c'mon, guess!!!!!!!!!  HER EX-HUSBAND!  That isn't entirely true.  She mixed it up a bit when she got to Mom and Dad and talked about her EX-INLAWS!  

Did I hear right?  Did Jake's mom seriously tell her that what she was looking for in a daughter-in-law was someone who would get along with the other daughters-in-law?!?!  Her intentions are admirable and all and I'm sure if anyone here has a brother, you want the same thing, but c'mon!!!!!  It's hard enough finding a significant other to get along with, now you're judging her by her ability to get along with extended family?  Oy.  

I didn't get the whole part about it being such a big deal that Jake didn't roughhouse with her.  Different people bring out different sides of you.  If she really loves him, is she going to break up with him because he keeps telling us how he's silly and a prankster and really is very funny?  At the National Geek Convention, maybe.  

So, they jump in the water where they make out ad nauseam and in front of the family.  Oh, she's so spontaneous and FUN...she jumps in the water with her DRESS on!  Ooooorrrr (and I'm just throwing it out there) maybe she's really stupid cause she was wearing a strapless mini dress with no bra when she jumped in the water?  I'm just sayin'.  

That poor family.  After seeing this pretty, well put together, educated woman, they get Triple V.   And you know, it's not only that they get Triple V...it's that they were expecting her to be SO MUCH MORE than just pretty, educated, and well put together and they get Triple V.  You know,  raggedy drag queen makeup with bad, raunchy tats and long stringy hair talking about how she lives in a trailer park, and yes, yes, yes...they aren't even really sure who's she's talking to because you know, she isn't crosseyed, she's just working the room.  Muahahahaha!

BUT, at least she doesn't talk about her ex-husband.  At first, the family's instincts were right on!  And then what happened?!?!  Triple V shot her special Triple V juice in their eyes and bam! they were under her spell, too?!?  I thought she only did that stuff in those pornos my friend at work says she saw her in. But seriously!  I'd love to look in her bag and see if she's got a whole set of blonde voodoo dolls because I.Just.Don't.Get.It.  Other than knowing what we've always known and that is that Jake is a total tool who needs a woman to mistreat him and make him look like a bigger fucking geek than he already is.  Good guys never win because they are always so fucking whooped.  Strap your damn Big Boy Boots on and grow some, Jake!  Agh!

Back to Tenley (and yes, Valk....THAT VOICE!!!!!!! It's worse than the old lady in Poltergeist, I swear)...

Oh man! How awkward was their last date?!  Don't you hate it when your friend is dating someone who's really great, but you can soooooooo tell that your friend is just totally NOT into them?  You know, you're just sitting around, waiting for the other shoe to drop, not really wanting to get to know or much less like this person because you know it's only a matter of time (minutes, really) before s/he's gone.  Yeahp.  That's what the date felt like.  And the whole conversation about how he's just not that physically attracted to her, yet she goes on to say how she is totally into him?  It's like a horror movie...you know the scary part is coming, you've got your eyes covered and your head turned ever so slightly away, but you're still watching, you just HAVE to. 

Ugh, and then the whole 'come back to my room' part of the date was soooo uncomfortable.    Jake looked like he was on death row and making his way to the gas chamber as he walked up to her room door.  It's like when you're really into this guy who you know doesn't want to be with you, but you think that maybe, just maybe, if you give it up, he'll totally love you?  I mean what?  

Seriously, I thought her Tenley does Playboy effort was way weird.  Waaaaaaay weird.  Especially when she says, "I could just play with him all day long!" and then dies laughing at herself as if she just mastered the art of dirty talk?  Tenley!!!  Saying "Tide Stain Remover" three times is way dirtier than that! Friggin' pill.  

Hmmm, so wait?  Who's last date was first?  Was it Tenley? Or Vienna?  I can't remember.  I was trying to catch up to Kristin while watching on Tivo which meant I was fast forwarding all the make out sessions.  If not, I'd still be watching.  I vaguely remember a pink bathing suit and some mud.  Blah blah blah.  Oh, yes...and then the ring.  I never really paid attention to the ring.  And think the whole gift giving is so weird.  I mean, it's a cute gesture, but it's such a girl thing to do.    You know, guys don't give a shit about girlie type gifts.  Like a letter and a ring.  

Ah, and of course, the Tenley gift.  Really, of all the gifts I hate the most, it's always those weird frames that do it.  Let's be realistic here...if he doesn't pick you, do you think the one he does pick is going to let him hang it over the mantle? The pool table? The shitter?  It's a great gift and all, but, Future Bachelorettes-- in case you're reading-- give it to him after he picks you.  Or deal with the fact that your pictures are hanging out, knee deep in secluded island tourist trash, complete with dirty condoms and old smelly sunscreen. 

Alright...fast forward, fast forward, fast forward thru all the talking..blah blah blah...jeweler comes and he says he still doesn't know who he's going to pick......Say wha???  You're picking a ring with no one in mind?  Oh wait! You pick TWO rings!  blah blah blah...getting dressed scenes...blah blah blah...Triple V in the shower???  Blah blah blah....Ex-husband Ex-husband Ex-husband...blah blah blah....Bam! One foot off the helicopter!!!!!!!! 

(First one to the top of the hill is a rotten eeegggggg!!!!)

And the strappy heel and manicured toes go tooooooooooooooo......

Tenley.  First one down.  Buh-bye Tenley.  She knew it, too.  He just started talking and she got the "I know I'm going home ugly cry" look on her face.  

Let's pause for a moment.  This could have been a really classy exit.  This could have been another Jason.  Had she played her cards right, Jake would have been dumping Vienna on the After the Rose show and hooking up with Tenley, fer sher. 

Coulda shoulda woulda.  Because instead, Tenley did not shut up.  No, really, she did not SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!  And, when I say she would not shut the fuck up, I have a text log to prove it:

9:43:  Kristin:  Tenley.  Nice wind.  So annoying.

9:44: Kristin: Sad. Walk away!!

9:45:  Me: Oh God.  Nothing like breaking up on natl tv.

9:45: Me: Do we get an 'ex husband' before she goes?

9:45: Kristin:  He's totally going to pull a Jason.

9:46: Me: Dude, can she shut up?

9:46: Kristin: Ugh, she's so much better than Vienna.

9:47: Me: He won't pull a Jason because she managed to make him feel great about the breakup.  Asswat.

9:48: Me: Oh no. Now she's begging?

9:48: Kristin: 'I'm never going to forget you...'

9:49: Me: oh my GOD. STFUUUUU!!!

9:49: Me:  Where's the gong?!  Somebody bang the gong!!!

And that, ladies and gentlemen was the LONGEST SIX MINUTES OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!   Jake went from crying and evidently very distraught and not at all sure about the decision he was making to seriously looking like he was being bored to death and couldn't stop thinking, "can we speed this up, I've got another one comin'".  Holy Hell, the chic did not SHUT UP.  She so could have had the ending she wanted, if only she knew when to WALK AWAY!

And you know, not thank him for breaking up with her on national TV and picking a girl who's half the woman she is over her.  This doesn't mean she had to be rude or stupid about it.  But really, a simple "I wish you the best of luck"..."thank you for what we had"...and even an "I'm going to miss you" and then "BYE BYE" would have been GREAT!!  Instead, what does she do?  Yeahp! She blows him a kiss as she's walking away.  After the six minute monologue.  Barf. 

I'm not sure about you, but even til the very end, I had hopes he wouldn't pick either...I held my breath for a second thinking it wasn't going to be Vienna either...thinking that maybe that friend from work was wrong and that even though I'd known it was Vienna from Day 1, there would still be some miracle and he would just walk away and continue being single and hell! maybe even end up hooking up with Ali on one of these Ménage à trois cruises the ex cast members love to go on, but nope!  He picked her.  

The End.  

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Some of the people I've talked to wanted it to be Tenley.  I just didn't see it.  As boring as she was and oh so perfect for him, she didn't do it for him.  And really, in his defense, could you imagine listening to that voice for the rest of your life?

Some of the people I've talked to can't believe he's going to be on Dancing with the Stars and thought it should have been Tenley.  But really, again...let's look at the alternative.  Do we really want to sit through a season of listening to her go on and on and on about her 'designed just for you because her ex-husband didn't want to watch her' dance moves?

I didn't think so.