Ali - Episode 2: I Love Quirky

I really do.  I have such bizarre taste in men.  My husband is totally not my type.  Seriously, in my single days, the things that would attract me to a man was the most absolute random thing in the world.  The thing that would disgust me immediately thereafter was equally as random.  I digress...

Woooo hoooooooooooo!  First dates!!!!!!!!!! Alright, so I admit it -- I totally did not get why she picked Frank (wait...is his name even Frank?!) as her first date.  I mean really?  Overzealous Paris Screenwriter Guy?  Seriously?  Whatevs.  The guys in the house couldn't figure it out either, although that really isn't saying much with that bunch of geniuses she's got going there.  Anyway, what did she call the date again?  Old Hollywood?  Or something.  So she gets some classic car, which was a nice touch and all if a) she would have let him drive and b) it had not broken down on the highway.  WTF?  And, I'm sorry...but the turn off for me right then and there would have been the fact that Frank didn't know how to fix it.   Right there it would have been a bring out the gong moment.  I'm telling you, I'm horrible.  

However, since I am not the Bachelorette, it doesn't much matter.  I really cannot fucking remember where they went other than the old Hollywood sign.  And that is where I realized why Frank.  I have to tell you, as long as he keeps his glasses on (I have a thing for glasses, as long as the lens is not so thick that genetically speaking, our future children would be doomed to a life of bad eyesight), I find Frank totally dreamy and sexy.  Because I love quirky (which really means borderline nerdy, doesn't it?).  I have a picture of a guy I dated when I lived in New York who seriously could have been Frank's brother.  Anyway, I don't know why I hadn't gotten why Frank before.   Wait, scratch that.  Actually, I do know why.  Because the problem with guys like Frank is that they're a little bipolar. Very few girls who think they can find love by going on a completely fixed dating show are prepared to handle a guy who just lays it all out there, as Frank did over and over again, not only on their date, but afterward.  It's too much pressure.  It took Single A a long time to figure out that as much as I loved love and loved being in love, I really couldn't handle love.  It was waaaaay too sappy and in your face for me.  I much preferred just imagining I was in love.  Now, I'm not saying that Ali and Single A are alike in the least bit...I'm just saying that for the most part, you have to be willing to play the game for all of eternity, and Frank is the antithesis of the game.  Frank wants to bleed his emotions on to you right then and there, forget the fact that you're wearing white pants.  She's flattered now, but at some point, it may be a little much. In the end, he gets the rose.  Because I think we all like to think that nice guys finish first.  If he's as nice as he seems to be, and shows a little more emotional stability, I will definitely be a fan of reminiscing with Frank, despite the shady ass move he pulled at the Rose Ceremony interrupting a conversation she was having with someone who didn't have a date with just to tell her how much he wanted to make babies with her.  *eye roll*

Next up:  Group Date!!!!  WTF is it with this season and small penises?!  I mean really!!!!!  Can we get some female casting directors to have the contestants model in speedos before the 25 are picked?  Really, the guys are not all that cute.  It didn't really hit me before until the thought of actually paying for a calendar with those guys in it struck me as a total and utter waste of money.   That Craig M. guy is something else.  He really enjoys looking at himself, doesn't he?  The guy that calls out "hidden agenda" surely smells of hidden agenda himself, huh??  And ugh, his hair is way too perfect.  Believe it or not, I am pretty low maintenance as far as getting ready is concerned.  I could never ever ever be with a guy who takes longer to get ready than I do or who is more concerned with his hair than I am.  Ew.  Double Ew.  Likewise, I could also never be with a guy who is so freaking paralyzed with fear at the thought of having to wear a black speedo because his balls are too small that he is seriously sick over it.  Watching Jonathan the Weatherman stress over that was funny.  Well, it would have been funny if it wasn't so damn uncomfortable to watch.  At the end of the day, I don't think any of us want him demeaned *that* much...well, Jode, I can totally see you cracking up over that, no mercy.  That's why I love ya!   BTW, have you guys checked out the calendar online?  Totally not what it looked like on set. 

Wooot! Woooot!  Third date-- Second one on one.  I can't remember his name.  Mr. Peculiar.  Wow is he dreamy.  I really don't get why Craig M. made such a big deal over his tattoos.  I think it's pretty much a given that in this day and age, most guys have tattoos.  Especially most 24 year old guys.   As dreamy as he is, though, I just don't get the desire to be with someone who requires soooooooo much polishing.    And, you know, when you give someone who's first [tacky] suit was bought to meet you a pair of cufflinks, you're pretty much stressing the desire to polish him.  I think I wouldn't have known whether to be offended or touched, but I'm totally leaning towards offended.  Ugh, there went Ali, jumping in the Ferrari and driving again...  I mean, I get that it's her show and she can do whatever she wants and yes, she should drive the nice cars and be "in control", so to speak, but jeez!  there's a lot to be said for showing a little grace and letting the men feel like they're in charge, too.  At the end of it all, I promise, it's only going to benefit you, Ali. 

So, did you get that maybe Mr. Peculiar was a little b-boy who was trying too hard?  I know editing has a lot to do with how we interpret the guys, but I really felt like she was pulling teeth the entire date.  And when he says that he was "finally able to open up", I was like wha?  Wowsa, if that's opening up, we're gonna need some clam shellers, folks!  I was glad she kept him, because my goodness, all that tallness is....wow, just WOW, but still.  Do I think it's a match?  Not yet.  I really don't think I much care either because I don't particularly have a soft spot for Ali anymore.  She really began to annoy me towards the end of her run on The Bachelor and I think her last nail was when she showed up to her last Rose Ceremony in a dress and some sloppy ass ponytail.  

2nd Rose Ceremony!!  Ok, let me just say again for the record that all weathermen...I'm sorry...meteorologists are gay.  Hands down.   As a matter of fact, at the exact writing of this sentence, I have asked my two Resident Gay Experts and am waiting on their observation as well.  But I have no doubt that the white jacket was not oh so trendy and was oh so gay.  In a really, really, really fabulous kind of way.  Way too fabulous for a straight guy.  Period.  And while I don't necessarily disagree with him advising Ali that Craig M is a total douche, I do find it HIGHlarious that he would state that he's "dangerous".  I think what he meant was aggressive?  A pot waiting to boil over?  full of anger management issues?  But just using the word "dangerous" with the accompanying facial expressions and apparent disgust was just too funny and warranted mocking by Douchebag Craig M. 

So, during the before talks, she spoke to Roberto and other than his name being Roberto, I think I love him, too.  He has those deep dark brown eyes I always love and he plays baseball?!  Say it ain't so!!!  And yeah, dare I say a little on the nerdy side?  Although I can tell you from vast experience, the whole nerdy/homey/quirky on the outside usually means nothing other than a good cover to be super sneaky on the inside.  Not sneaky in a bad, shady kind of way, but sneaky in a I'm not really as innocent as I look kind of way.  Sometimes, it's almost better to just go ahead and date what I like to call the Lead Singers (or obvious attention whores) because at least with them, you really know where you're going. 

She also spoke to Cape Cod Chris and while I originally loved him and am holding further judgment until more is known, I think he laid on the Massachusetts a little too thick due to nervousness and it came out a tad bit obnoxious. 

In the end, she gets rid of Craig M and a couple other guys whose names I can't possibly remember.  But it's gonna get gooooood, ladies!  Woo hooooooo!