Ali- Episode 3-Part 1: The Plaid Shirt is Haunting Me

Really, the title for this one was a total toss up.  It could have easily been called the episode where our favorite line took front and center stage-- it could have been called the "Here for the Right Reasons" episode.  *eye roll*!

 I was hoping we'd at least get through another couple weeks before we had to start taking shots every time someone says "for the right reasons".  How ever am I supposed to blog if I won't be coherent enough to remember?
   

Back to the plaid shirt.  Because for all that went on last night, I can't get past it.  Valk, bare (bear?) with me.  I promise I'm not spoiling anything but it is just human nature for me to connect the dots!  I don't mean to do it!  I've been fighting the conspiracist in me all day!  But I can't any longer.  And FTR, I have not even spoken to the girl at work and have avoided her like the plague because I do not want to know.  But you know, the show people-- they suck. 

First one on one date of the night was with Roberto.  Do you remember Jesse the snowboarder?  Well, apparently he blogged somewhere that Bach has absolutely no control over who they pick for the one on ones or the group dates!  It's totally "random" according to the whims of the producers and the "story line".  Do not ask me why I am surprised and yes, I am the asshole who swallows most of this BS up. 

So, they go on a helicopter ride, right?  And what to do I notice?  The plaid shirt.  Yeahp.  Because, you know, in the previews they showed the first episode which they probably won't ever show again where some guy is accused of having a girlfriend, it's a guy in a plaid shirt.  I was fer sher it was Justin.  But now...now I wonder.  And yes, yes, yes, I know that's what they want me to do!!  Hook, line and sinker, man...

So they go walk on a tight rope.  Now, I don't really believe they didn't fall.  Hahahaha!  The things for me not to believe.  And that kiss in the middle was so staged!  I was uncomfortable watching it.  Because the date seemed eerily familiar to Jake and Triple V's first date where they kissed while hanging upside down...boh-ring!    Anyway, so it seems a little unbelievable that they would have gone that long distance without falling.  Or turned on a string, kissed, and not tipped one or the other over.  Just not probable.  But whatevs.  Bygones.

What is it about our latin men???  Oh man, when I saw her having dinner with him, she was just soooooo smitten!  You white girls luuuuuurve the latin spice (was that racial profiling, Valk?  huh? Huh?  RPRPRPRPRPR!- jajajajaja!).  I can totally see why.  I was just sitting in bed observing him and remembering.  There is just a certain amount of untainted chivalry that most good latin men will have.  It's a machista quality they carry proudly and most definitely why I love them so.  I love the look of American men...I do.  But no way.  There's very few things that can compare to that feeling of being the Queen...of being the only woman in the world that matters when they look at you and touch you with this spark that seems to permeate from ALL of them.  The problem is, you aren't the only girl feeling it! Hahahaha!  Ok, so yeah, I can see why you all love Roberto.  I'm on board now, too.  At least I was during the date.

After my rant yesterday on my facebook page about my children speaking too much English, I want to interject here and say that I promise I did not pay the Bachelorette people to have a storyline which timed itself perfectly with said rant. And I also want to say that I wonder if I was wrong about Roberto and think that he may be either Cuban (probable) or Venezuelan.  I didn't think either at the time of the first episode. 

Alright, back to the date.  It was nice and all.  She's amazed by his "culture".  He is totally in to her.  And we think he's oh so cute and sweet and chivalrous and dreamy and you know, when we look at him, it's not like he's apparently sexy.  Like overly obvious sexy like Rated-R.  So this is where I used to always feel I was getting into some untapped market when I would pick out the quiet, sweet type in the back and avoid the Lead Singer, but I can promise you that what we're seeing, every other girl he comes into contact with is seeing, too.  Maybe things are a little slow for him in his current town in South Carolina, but I can't for the life of me figure out how a Roberto, ex minor leaguer, dreamy, "cultured", twenty-six year old ends up on the Bachelorette.  But this is of course, the plaid shirt talking.  End of date, he gets a rose.  I also want to add that I totally think they did the nasty already.  Way too much cuddling going on on that roof top for a first date.  I also want to say she is damn lucky there was no car to drive because if you want to take all that dreaminess, hot, sexy spiceyness away from a latin guy -- any latin guy [who's worth a shit] -- then don't you dare think about emasculating him.  They treat you like Queens alright.  With the full, unspoken understanding that you will be treating them like Kings.  Yes, the King...the Master of his Domain.  Don't argue with it.  Don't fight it.  For christ's sake, don't get stereotypically feminista over it, either.  Or your days are numbered.  Ali, if you're reading this (hahahaha!) and you picked him, trust me!! 

While Roberto was busy romancing the girl, the group date card came in.  A bunch of everyones got on their and a few I can't remember whos didn't.  Oooooooooh, the group date.   So many things wrong, so little time to cover them all.  I'm typing quickly while Bryan is asleep so I'm hoping he doesn't wake up.

First of all, other than that first song they sang to get everyone in the group familiarized with who the fuck they were, I can't pick out a Bare Naked Ladies song for the life of me.  As Kristin's text said today while she was watching it online, "The Bare Naked Ladies are so not awesome!".  But I digress.  I swear, girls, I think these producers are writing for US now!!!  Just me an yous!!!  Why else would they give us so much damn material to pee ourselves all over?!  I can't tell if it's my incontinence due to vaginal birth or the sheer hilarity of it all.   I'm totally betting on the latter.

I think I must fast forward right now.  Right through the 9 takes of slapping Frank, which hurt me at the end of it all.  Right through Denim Get Up Guy and his steamy muscles and piercing blue eyes.  Right through the sexy kissing Cape Cod Chris on the back in the mirror to the only scene worth a damn.  Yes, girls, the Gay Weatherman and his kissing scene.  One of the main reasons I rushed to finish last week's blog before watching this week's is because I didn't want to be tainted.  Last week, when he totally flipped his fucking lid over having to wear speedos for the calendar shoot, I felt bad for him having to expose his small penis size on national TV.  He didn't voluntarily admit the information in the same way that One Minute Man did the first night.  He was forced to package those puppies into a vacuum seal of a bathing suit and expect to come out looking ok.  Or not.  So I felt bad for him.  I was uncomfortable for him.  But, after last night's reaction, I can not only confirm and bet my right boob (which, BTW, is the official moneymaker of *this* house) that he's a flaming, FLAMING call the Fire Dept he is BURNING homosexual, but that he also has some serious psychological issues which will ensure that when he gets back to wherever he's from (oh please don't let it be Texas!), he will no longer be the Weatherman, unless the Bravo Network is taking up a news show where his Gay Weatherman services will be needed.  Did this fucking guy CRY over a kissing scene?!?!  Was he seriously in a sweat induced meltdown due to a KISSING SCENE?  Did he have performance anxiety over some TONGUE ACTION?!  Look, you can say the guys were being "mean" or insensitive or whatever, but c'mon...you can't give someone that much material to work with and not expect a reaction!  I seriously threw up a little in my mouth when she was finally able to suck it up and kiss him.  Oh God.  And then the way he touched her hair and her back???  Oh my God.  Never.Been.Laid.   I was so freaking creeped out.  But, that scene begs this question:  Is there something wrong with the Weatherman, or with the sorry ass Bachelorette who kept him around?  I mean, what does it say about what, exactly, you're looking for when you keep a gay guy around?  And not because there's anything wrong with gay guys.  Except for maybe when they're on a dating show where the WOMAN is the final prize.  I'm just sayin'. 

Another few notable train wrecks during the video taping were, of course, Frank's spasmatic reaction to anything related to another man touching Ali ( I could totally see him going into a corner and popping his anti-anxiety medication) and the Kirk scene.  Ooooh, the Kirk scene....there's something disturbing to me about any guy named Kirk.  It's the same thing as a guy named Chet.  Blech!!  Is Kirk Scrapbook Guy?!?  I think he is!  Anyway, so here she is doing this steamy bedroom scene with a bunch of guys she really hasn't had much contact with and all of a sudden she has to roll around in silk sheets while dry humping some guy she's never even hugged??  So weird.  Reeeeeeeaaaaaallly uncomfortable for me to watch.  I mean, let's be realistic...it's not like he's the sexiest thing on there.  And, you know, he may exude some sort of unspoken sex appeal that is completely lost in translation due to the camera, but I doubt it.  At least there isn't enough of that to warrant that kind of a scene from her. Or Frank's oversized meltdown over the "connection" her and Kirk were experiencing.  Because until that moment, he was the only guy there was a "connection" with.  Alternate universes really are fun!

The wrap up party (also completely played out and oh-so-familiar thanks to last season's exact same wrap up party, but without psycho Michelle to make it entertaining) was also weird and uncomfortable.  First of all, Denim GG needs to step things up.  His tallness isn't going to get him noticed if he doesn't actually say anything.  Right now he's just standing around like a Royal Palm instead of swaying in the breeze like a coconut tree.  Be the coconut tree, DGG!!!!  Secondly, did Gay Weatherman really ask for a "real" kiss so he could perfect his technique?  Dewd.  That's what highschool stairwells were for.  Duh!  I can't remember who saved her, but man, was she lucky.  Cape Cod Chris:  I just don't know about him!  I totally loved him the first day and every time he says, "you gahtta come up to the Cahd" I just want to melt! But I can't figure out if his enthusiasm is cockiness or if he's just making the best of every opportunity he gets with her?  Tell me, girls, were you satisfied with his admission on this episode?  I thought it was sweet and really got nervous thinking he was going to cry. And I totally loved his tattoo.  I originally thought it was something the video people drew on to make the white towel mirror scene steamier.  For now, I still think he's the best one for her.  He's older.  He's family oriented.  He's HOT HOT HOT.  And he lives on the "Cahd".  Le swoon! Valk, does Cape Cod have the same sexy allure for republicans as it does for democrats?  Is it because you know there's always a Kennedy you can expose when you hear it? ;-)

Oh man, I'm getting sleepy.  Damnit, I still have 3 more breakdowns to go!!  I might do this one in installments.  Ok, yes, that's what I'll do.  Besides, girls, if I actually do a timely blog, then WTH will we have to anticipate all week??

Part 2 coming soon.  We still have Justin, Tyler (or was it Hunter??) -- sorry, Hunter -- and then the Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony to go...  woooo hooooooooooo!