Ali- Episode 4: Unicorn Love and Bad Tattoos

 Seriously, girls, this one was just too damn good to wait one second longer to blog about.  I mean, you guys  (Jode & Valk) haven't even begun to see it, but I just can't go to bed without somehow releasing all this  pent up laughter from tonight's show.  It's really hard to watch a show this funny with two sleeping babies on either side of you.   What the hell was that?!  I swear, I have no idea how they come up with these things!

Chris Harrison walks in and does his preshow pep talk.  From now on, the remaining guys will be traveling around the world to help Ali find love.  The camera goes to Frank and yup, he does say "he's already done soooo many things with Ali", but he still feels a little threatened.  It's all so weird.  From our perspective, these guys see her for minutes at a time and yet they all have these bizarre "connections" to her.  It makes me batty.  

First Stop:  New York City.  Some fabulous gay guy is dressing Ali for her New York City dates.  Either Fabulous Gay Guy or his make up artist ask her about the guys and she references Kirk first? And WTH did she say about Kasey...is she suffering from marble mouth syndrome, too?  Ooooh, yeah...she's smitten by Roberto alright.  She totally took her panties off for Roberto already ferrrrrrr sherrrrr.  Frank? 'Soooooo funny'?? Hahahaha.  That's sooooo funny! 

Oh no. Date cards...1st date is with Kasey and wha? Kirk says dang it?? Ugh.  Only guys named Kirk say dangit. And apparently, guys named Kasey say "unrealizable potential". I swear, if it weren't for Tivo, I'd think I was taking some heavy drugs.  This whole episode was annoyingly funny to me.  I could not understand a fucking WORD Kasey was saying.  It was irritating the hell out of me because no matter how loud I put the damn TV, I still felt like I had an insurmountable amount of wax buildup in my ears. 

Before the date, all the guys sit around and discuss how Kasey feels he is very secure of the connection he has with Ali.  And then Cape Cod Chris refers to him as having Unicorn Love.  Pretty sure that's the best nickname yet.  Kasey really annoys the fuck out of me because he keeps saying "that girl".  And every time he says, "that girl", I get a visual of some white dude in a bad rap video doing an air signal for smacking that ass.  I don't know why my brain works that way...it just does.  So just imagine that for a moment and then wish right along with me that you could be outside of my brain every time he says "that girl".  "That girl is so gorgeous" [smack that ass].  "That girl has me crazy" [smack that ass].  Uggggg!!! Make it stoooop!!!!  Note to Kasey:  If said Unicorn Love really does include puppy dogs and cat whiskers and fairytales, please refrain from reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar before your first one on one with Ali because I don't know what  the fuck you just said about a damn cocoon and a fucking butterfly and Jake!!!!!!!!! [smack that ass].   As if everything Kasey related could get any worse... oh God, no...not an acapella.  You see, my brain isn't crazy-- it's intuitive.  He is the white dude in the really bad rap video and he won't shut up!  Then he ends it with a Beavis and Butthead giggle and a "that's pretty intense stuff". Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! Sound Guy loves us, ladies, cause cue in the crickets (except, in true NYC fashion, they weren't crickets, but seagulls to remind us of the Island of Manhattan--wink, wink)!  Woot wooooot!!

But wait!  The date isn't over.  It's actually only just begun.  How can that be?  Ali and Kasey go to the Museum of Natural History on the Upper West Side.  Ali's sitting there with this face thinking she just doesn't know what she's going to do.  Do any of you watch SNL?  I used to watch it back when Mango and the Butabi Brothers were big.  Ali has the same expression as the girls who would get sandwiched by the Butabi Brothers in the clubs while "What is Love" would play in the background.  I swear, all he needed was to unbutton his shirt, pull out his gold chain, and puff his chest hairs.  This guy is 27 years old.   He's either a) using lines that have never ever worked or b) living in some universe where he watches too many episodes of Knightrider or Chips thinking these lines *do* work.  Kasey totally reminds me of the newest psycho on Desperate Housewives -- the one who was Rex's son?  Freak.  We hear Ali in her confessional state that Kasey's a nice guy, blah blah blah... he's a little cheesy...blah blah blah...  Listen, cream cheese is a little cheesy.  Kasey?  Kasey 's got more cheese than the state of Wisconsin, Green Bay fans and their bad hats included.    But you know, he just doesn't stop.  Ali's deer in headlights look doesn't even slow him down.  She's a brave one, that Ali and risks telling him how she feels and what does he say?  Tivo, rewind, Tivo, rewind, Tivo, rewind:  "This is who I am, this is my heart...jump in and stay a while."  And then another fucking song.  I can't make this shit up.   I swear.  Because if I could, I would have never thought about the line where he says after finishing his third freaking acapella "heh heh heh, it just kinda came to me.  This is what you do-- you inspire me".  Barf. 

Ladies, we've got a new drinking line!!!  Get yer soft liquor cause we're going to get drunk real soon!  Take a shot every time Kasey says "guard and protect your heart"!  Go!!!  Yup, once more!!  Uh-huh, keep going...atta girl!!  Yeah, yeah, don't stop yet!  Nope, you've got about 6,548,876,252 more shots to go!!

Ok, we survived that one.  The next one is the Broadway group date and what about Gay Weatherman peeing himself from the excitement of Broadway doesn't say funtastic coming our way?!  Nothing, that's what!

I have to interject here and say that if my friend Tess heard Ali, a "big" theater fan proclaim the Lion King to be one of the best productions on Broadway, she might just have a coronary.  Don't get me wrong, it's a great show, but it isn't one of those "critically acclaimed" shows that big theater fans usually rant and rave about.  Way too Hollywood for the hardcore Broadway buff.   Alright, back to fun!

And really, what isn't fun about a bunch of guys in black biker shorts and pastel colored shirts??  What about this date doesn't have Richard Simmons written all over it??  Nothing, that's what!!  C'mon, let's keep moving to the oldies!!  These guys are brave.  I have to give them that much.  I would never embarrass myself for a guy.  Never.  I have dignity.  If dignity isn't enough, then too fucking bad.  Nothing's dignified about biker shorts in any era that isn't the 1980s.  And then they have to sing, too?  Wowsa.  They all freaking suck.  Except for DGG.  DGG can sing.  But hold on to your wet panties, ladies, Roberto's on the prowl!  Roberto, the mastermind behind looking at Ali while singing wins.  And the guys all call him Rico Suave.  Which is funny.  And stereotypical (pssssst, Valk...total RACIAL PROFILING!).  But aside from that, I wonder how many of them actually know where the term comes from.  Gerardo, anyone? 

I don't know what it was about tonight's show that really highlighted the confessionals for me.  I don't know if I ever paid much attention before.  But tonight, they are hilarious.  Frank's confessionals, in particular, are just making me pee.  They're never anything short of him having a complete titfit.  He needs a xanibar, asap.  We need a pharmacist...xanibars for Frank and cockzac for Weatherman. 

Anyway, Roberto "winning" (and I use that term lightly) this Lion King competition means that he gets to perform with Ali.   And while they're practicing, I can't help but wonder what in the world is sexy about  a pasty latin guy hanging in the air while sitting in a paper mached diaper?   Let's not even begin to discuss what the costume does to Ali's body...it totally transforms her into this wide-backed, flat assed, thing and then we get a shot of the guys discussing and yes, ladies, Kirk said cooch, quickly followed by cleavage.  If I were a paying guest, I'd want my damn money back.  Pronto!   At the end of the performance, we get to hear Roberto say how he'll never forget the night with Ali.  Yeah. I'll never forget seeing a guy hang from a diaper on Broadway either.  Ever.

Alright, another wrap party. Yawn.  Wait...are these guys all drinking amaretto sours? Hahaha., I sure think soooo!!!  Richard Simmons catered the afterparty, too, ladies, because only gay guys in polyester daisy dukes drink amaretto sours!  Alright, so during the wrap party, Frank is so freaked out by her "connection" with Roberto that he begins fraternizing with the Weatherman.   I mean, c'mon Frank! Hold your own !!  Ali senses Frank's major meltdown and she and him go outside.  Now, I don't know about you, but their one date was like EONS ago and they seem she seems rather close and comfy for someone who's had so much space.  Which brings me to this only logical conclusion:  She totally slipped her panties off for Frankie boy, tooooo! Niiiice!!  "Whorish" or not, if you know you're going to be engaged at the end of this, then I'm all for sleeping with as many of them as possible (discreetly).  You never know which one of these sorry guys will be the owner of the very last penis you see.  I'm just sayin'. 

This date ends because Ali does not feel good at all.  We aren't sure if she's finally mortified over the diaper in air over Broadway scene or the horror of keeping Kasey thru the Rose Ceremony finally hits her or if maybe she's just got a bad cold.  It could really be a culmination of all three.  But if that weren't bad enough, she turns and says to the guys, "Kirk will be walking me up to my room" and the guys have a total and I mean TOTAL conniption.  Of course, led by Gay Weatherman...who sits there and contemplates as the milliseconds go by what in God's name could Kirk and Ali be doing up there!   And, that, ladies is a question only a gay virgin who insists on batting for the other team (in this case, Team Ali instead of Team Rated-R, for instance) can ask over and over and over again and not know the answer to.  "Kissing" probably doesn't cut it, buddy. 

 Woo hoooooo!  Final date goes to the Birthday Boy!!!  I wonder what sign he is.  It still looked cold, but not too cold.  He doesn't seem like he could be an Aquarius and I really hope he isn't a Capricorn.  Anyway, Chris L., I freaking LOVE youuuuuuuuu!!!!!  Backpack, bad striped shirt, jeans with sneakers, your incessant love for the word "like" and allll!!  He showed up with soup and a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I swear, Chris L., you had me at "The Cahd". 

The date with Cape Cod Chris is going as well as we all knew it would.  They seem to have an "adult" relationship, which involves a lot of talking and connecting on more a more intellectual level.  Their relationship so far doesn't seem like it's sprinkled with that intense physical attraction, but honestly, in this setting, I'm all for it.  I think if you can fight the ulterior motives of the producers and build your own connection sans hormone inducing scenarios, then you've got yourself a winner. Ali calls his dad so that Cape Cod can speak to him for his birthday and of course that wins tons of points for both Ali and Cape Cod Chris and then they go off to the rooftop where some guy named Joshua Radin is playing.  And this is her favorite guy EVER.  I have never heard of him.  Does that make me old?  Out of touch with today's youth?  Ok.  But what I really want to know is why Ali does insist on doing this bouncy twirly dance, regardless of what the rhythm of the song actually is?  Despite the overzealous dancing, we get enough romance (read=alcohol) to induce a make out moment.  Finally!  I mean really, it was taking way too long.  He should have went in for the kill when they were inside on the couch.  But then, just then, I see it...oh no. Oh no. Oh nooooooo!!!!!  The kiss.  He's a face sucker.  I could tell.  Oh no.  Valk, where's your calculator?? Deduct 140!!! And bring the plunger...she's going to need a little help to break free from that kiss.

During Cape Cod Chris' date, Marble Mouth Kasey disappears from the room and goes to get a tattoo.  You know, because he doesn't understand why Ali thinks he was being insincere, so tattooing a heart and a shield on his wrist of all places is the way he's going to show her.  Let's not forget, ladies, that Kasey is there to guard and protect her heart.  And all he wants is someone to guard and protect his.  What he doesn't realize is that he's looking for a Rottweiler, not a wife.  Kasey leaves the tattoo shop and tells us viewers how he's proud of himself because of his tattoo and how this for sure means and will prove to Ali he's "literally wearing his heart on his sleeve".  You fucking fucktard!  For fuck's sake!!!  You tattooed your wrist, you asshat!  It's not like you threw on an Ed Hardy shirt!  Hardly a literal translation at all, you dumb fuck!

Holy hell, I can't take this season.  I just can't.  I just can't stop laughing long enough.  Cocktail party time and I must say right now, Kasey, when your skin tone, your shirt and your tie are all the same color, that is not considered a fashion forward monochromatic look.  I promise. Oh God, here's Gay Weatherman in a confessional begging for a rose.  And yes, he does pick up a couch pillow and attempt to pin it to his suit.  Asshat, that's a peony. Not a rose.  Yeah. I hope she gives you a friggin peony.

Wait a minute...I want to know something.  Have you guys noticed the random quiet guy in the black suit and gray tie?  Who is that?  Is he an undercover air marshall who accompanied them on their CA to NY flight? Will he be following them on all their flights around the world?  Interesting. 

The cocktail party is Rated-R's chance to show us all he's a friggin' sissy.  He acts like a 13 year old about to tell the teacher the kid behind him is looking up girls' skirts with the mirror he's taped to his shoe laces.   I get the desire to expose Kasey and his bad tattoo, but I don't get the purpose, other than making you look just as bad as the rest of them.  He calls Kasey out and finally, Kasey gathers the boys around the fireplace and shows him how much he cares.  He really shows them how he's here for the right reasons.  He wants us all to know that there's a lot of passion in that tattoo and he's going to show Ali just how much he's here for the right reasons and how sincere he really is.  But not before explaining to us that he also put 11 rocks (???) on the tattoo representing each of the remaining guys?!  What.The.Hell?!  I demand an on-air interview with the tattoo artist!! I want his take on it ASAP!  I couldn't, for the life of me, make out what Cape Cod Chris said, but it was really, really, really fucking funny and something along the lines of being the "Bachelorette Dude with the bad tattoo".   Kasey has some alone time with Ali where he's going to do his "big reveal" only to be interrupted.  But not before enlightening us with his analysis of what went wrong on their museum date. "Um, I overcompensated a little" and so now I'm going to show you my freak tattoo???  Why, oh why did Frank have to interrupt?  We could have been back to audible contestants just in time for Iceland...

Rose time, girls.  The Air Marshall stays.  The creepy lawyer named Craig gets one, too.  Rated-R is in for one more entertaining week...DGG is nice and sweaty while waiting for his name to be called and the final rose goes tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...............................KASEY?!?!  Over DGG?!?!?!  What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?!?!

DGG--I mean, Jesse, I promise I'll reinstate cow tipping just for you-- forget Cars.  But wait, when you say you "can't wait to see your dogs", do you mean your 'woof woof dogs' or your 'yo' wut up dawgs'?

Maybe it really wasn't meant to be...