Ali - Episode 10: First Impressions are Hard to Shake

First, let me say I want to punch Ali in the fucking face.  Second, let me say how happy I am I never have to see her annoying puppy eyes and hear her Fran Drescher voice while she's saying some complete and utter gibberish.  Third, let me say that it's a good thing that a) I'm in love with someone else and b) I've tamed my stalkerish qualities because if not, I'd have to be on the next plane to Cape Cod to find Chris myself.  And finally, let me say that Chris Harrison probably makes bucketloads of cash in Vegas with that poker face!!  Wow can that guy keep a straight face!!

Ugh.  I should be happy that she didn't pick Chris because all along, I've felt that he's just too great of a guy to end up as another Bachelor/ette casualty.  I'll probably feel that way tomorrow. But ugh. ugh. ugh!! Who, in their right mind, would ever let Chris go?! 

Let's recap.  First family date was with Roberto.  Does Ali's sister really have to say "Roh-ber-toh" in her really bad spanish accent?  Can I be the first hispanic on record saying we really don't give points for trying?  Ok, that's mean.  I'm bitter.  Forgive me.  So clearly, Ali got all the pretty genes in the family.  Alright, mean again...  How awkward must all that be for the dad, huh?  I just felt so uncomfortable for him the whole time.  Here's a couple guys you know are banging your daughter who you've never met and who are asking for your blessing to marry her?!  Mmmmmkay.  So, Ali kept telling us how much her family LOVED Roberto and how he "fit right in" and I don't know, I just didn't get that vibe at all.  I mean, not that I feel he didn't fit in, per se, but he wasn't the missing piece to their puzzle or anything.  Maybe I'm reading too much into the whole thing, but I see much more difficulty in the future of the union than the made for TV love story we've subjected ourselves to.  

Can I please wax Ali's brother's eyebrows? 

Chris gets the second family date, and to no one's surprise, they adore him.  Why?  My guess would be, aside from being the dreamiest of dreamies, is that he's a grown up.  I go back to Roberto being 26, just out of minor league ball, living in Charleston, SC, and being a horny little fucker.  That's GREAT for Mr. Right Now.  Not so great for Mr. Right.  So, the question is, can Mr. Right Now turn into Mr. Right?  I don't know.  Maybe.  I remember a time when my husband was Mr. Right Now.  Probably a few times.  I remember falling in lust with a whole slew of men (not all at the same time) hoping that they'd make the transition, and usually falling short.  And, it's not that I think long lasting love should be void of fireworks, because I absolutely don't.  But I also think there's a lot to be said for slow and steady.  To me, there was nothing boring about Chris.  Just a lot of practicality.  Practicality is the new black for me, especially as I sit here trying to figure out how we're paying the mortgage this month or how I'm trying to work through not liking the man I love very much today.  Tomorrow's a new day.  

Then again, I also realize we are where we are because we got piss drunk at 5 o'clock on some random Friday at Monty's on the Beach while taking lemon drop shots with beer chasers.  Talk about fireworks.  The rest is history.  

I really didn't get Ali's dad's point on Chris.  He lost me.  I was much more in tune with what Ali's sister was saying.  Go, Ali's sister.  Dude, they look nothing alike.  None of them!  So weird.  Not even a slight resemblance.   

Last date number 1 - Roberto.  Oh, the infamous gift scene.  Always so awkward because you know that gift is going in the garbage if she picks someone else.  Can someone tell Roberto he has a really, really bad sweating problem??  Do you guys think the producers pick random pictures to be framed on these remote locations and then offer them up as final gifts?  Roberto has very nice handwriting.  That right there will make my knees buckle.  If there's one common thread between the men I've loved it's been nice handwriting.  *swoon*.

Last date number 2.   Ahhhh, the moment of truth.  I have to give it to her.  I have to tip my hat to Ali and congratulate her for being one classy lady.  There's a lot to be said for not going into the Final Rose "not knowing" who you're going to pick.  Really, what you don't know is who's going to pick you back.  And I do admire her for letting go of her safety net to spite his feelings.  If I wasn't so heartbroken for him, I would probably feel much more warm and fuzzy towards her for it, but I can't right now.  Cut me some slack, I just finished watching.  

I don't have any doubts that Chris will be ok.  What I really hope for him is that he goes back to his life in Cape Cod, never to be seen again.  I would be disappointed if he became a fame whore.  I want him to disappear just like Reid from Philadelphia.  Not because I won't miss him, but because I'm pretty sure he'll be just fine and even better if he just goes back to being Chris the Landscaper with the chocolate lab and the perfect dad.  Chris, me and more than half of America love you.  I know, I know...what a consolation.

Did you guys totally chuckle when Roberto turns to Neil Lane and says "I know you know how I feel, Neil".  Um, why no, Roberto, actually, I don't!  Buahahahahaha!  Roberto totally flipped out.  I thought he was going to have a nervous breakdown and it is so amazing to me to see the fight or flight response in other people.  He went from picking a ring to "I'm not going to do anything that doesn't feel right blah blah blah".  Poor guy.  

Loved loved loved the wide collar on his shirt.  And he gets extra points ala Valkyrie's scoring system for wearing flat front pants.  A few points deducted for the shoes.  And a few more added for the sleek navy blue suit.  

In the end, I was much more emotional about Elton John having sold out to The Bachelorette than I was about the proposal.  

Signing off, 

Team Chris.