Real Housewives of D.C.: Episode 2 - OC meets ATL

I keep wondering why Bravo doesn't have a Miami series, but I think it's because they just want to keep reinventing the wheel.  And it seems they did just that with this one.  Let me say I love it so far, mostly because it feels like you're watching a perfect morphing of the Orange County and Atlanta Housewives.

Episode 2 starts off with a very animated and overly-staged scene where Tareq  (Mr. White House Crasher) brings his wife into their living room where there's some random guy selling overpriced luxury items to her for her birthday.  It was like an uppity tupperware party for 2.  If they do Miami, I can take them to the parking lot of my job where the girl from the office next to mine sells counterfeit bags out of her trunk.  I'm just sayin'.  Michaele (Mrs. White House Crasher) goes on to tell us that people think she's in her 30s, which of course begs the  question "which people?",  but she's really 44.  Her husband, who is on the shorter, more plump side, treats her like the trophy wife she wants to be and lets her pick everything, despite starting out with telling her to only get one item.  Then, he brings her outside and gives her a horse.  At which point, she looks less than thrilled (understandably so since a) she doesn't ride and b) she looks like the slightest little bump on the road may break her in half).   Um, she goes on to name the horse Sparkle. 

The next scene is Mary, who is currently the crowd fave (at least she's this crowd of one's fave) never mind her bizarre behavior at her birthday dinner in the season premiere where she wants the black salons and white salons to get together and sing Kumbaya, having her housekeeper clean after her 23 year old daughter's hairy, hairy, hairy dog.  Mary says she can't stand the hair,  but is so happy to have Lolly back.  Lolly's the daughter, btw, not the dog.

Mary goes to lunch with Kat, who's married to the British White House Photographer who has held that title for both the Bush and Obama administrations, and who so far has been nothing other than completely inappropriate.   It's just Mary's luck that Lolly works as a server at the restaurant where they're having lunch and when Mary tells Kat that Lolly is back after having moved out to live with her boyfriend but then broke up, berates Mary for being a push over.  Kat's not at all embarrassed to tell us all that she's dying for her daughters to move out and once they're gone, they're not allowed back.  Kat seems to be completely oblivious to other people's uncomfortable vibes, in this case Mary's, and continues to steamroll her and her parenting by interrogating Lolly on why she doesn't pick up after her own dog and why she's back in her mom's house.  Mary leaves Lolly a nice large tip, which Kat somehow seems to notice, and berates her some more.  And here I thought it was rude to look at the bill when you aren't the one paying.  

This season, there's an accessory housewife named Paul Wharton, Stylist to the Celebrities.  He's just the right amount of fabulous and not so over the top as Dwight from RHOA.  Paul seems to do a little of playing both sides, being long time friends with Lynda, the owner of a D.C. modeling agency AND her nemesis, Michaele (Former Nordstrom's make up counter girl a/k/a Mrs. White House Crasher).  

Michaele and Paul sit around planning a birthday party which Michaele decides she's going to throw for him.  This is the second birthday party one of the Housewives have thrown for another in 2 shows, which is really making me wonder who is footing the bill.  Michaele makes it known that Linda threw Paul's 30th party and she wants to make sure this one is bigger and better.  

On the first episode, Kat the Bitch Brit went to the Americas Polo Club party, which Tareq and Michaele host.  She "pinky swore", which she finds something reprehensible that the Americans do, to go riding horses with Michaele and begs Mary to tag along.  Michaele told the girls the dress code was jeans (who asks what the dress code is to go riding horses?!) and both Kat and Mary are outraged at Michaele's get up, complete with jockey pants and riding boots.  Tareq gives them a private polo lesson and at the end, he serves them "chardonnay".  Which, judging by the head of foam, wasn't chardonnay.  It was beer.  Which is apparently very peculiar since he owns the vineyard where the girls are riding the horses at.  Hmmmmm, the girls wonder...'why would he serve beer when he owns a vineyard??'  Lucky for us, I'm sure we'll find out. 

Here comes Stacie.  Stacie is a D.C. native, the real estate agent of the group and so far, the one who is gunning for Kat's throat.  You really can't blame her.  In the season premiere, she went out of her way to invite Kat to her house where Janet Jackson's personal chef would be cooking for the girls.  I'm not sure how they do things in London, but I thought it was universal knowledge that politics should never be discussed, especially at the dinner table.  Well, Kat missed the memo and went on to detail why she loves Bush and how horrible Obama is (just so you know why, it's because Bush RSVPd to her wedding and Obama, gasp, did not).  None of this would matter if she were at a Republican fundraiser, but she clearly didn't consider party affiliations before opening her mouth.  Of course, it would not be D.C. if the race card weren't played out by the producers, and they're really trying to make the point that Kat is a racist and Stacie's going to be wronged by the uptight Brit.  Let's just sit back and watch it unfold.  

Stacie thinks it will be a great idea to invite alllllll the girls (minus Michaele) to her Aunt Florence's house for a good ol' down home southern dinner.  She makes sure the point isn't lost on her husband that she'll be inviting Kat and the viewer gets the impression from the tone of the conversation that Stacie's trying to desensitize Kat to a black environment by making sure she's drowning in it.  Kat is the first to arrive to Aunt Florence's house and makes it a point to let us know she's annoyed at being the only one there, which really comes off like her being annoyed that she's the only white one there.  She comes in, bottle of wine in hand, and as soon as she says her pleasantries, blurts out "I'd like a drink, please".   When Paul Wharton, the accessory Housewife arrives, she's quick to tell him that she's drinking some horrid wine that tastes 100 years old  and makes him ask for some liquor.  In her confessional, she announces  "I won't get sick just for being polite".   Two black men and a white guy go downstairs and discuss one of the guy's new patent on a penile volumetric measuring tool, which makes the white guy really uncomfortable.  Apparently, the other black guy, too.   To no one's surprise, Kat seems uncomfortable and the plates haven't even been cleared before she's rushing out the door.  Once again, in her confessional, she willingly admits it "not being her kind of scene".  

Michaele shows up to the party she's throwing for Paul with police escorts and a white stretch limo and seems to make it all about her and Tareq.  There's tension between her and Lynda, who tells her over and over she needs to eat some fries and a burger.  Which totally sucks because at this point, I want fries and a burger, thank you Chili's commercial.  

Lots of interesting characters and lots of tension early on.  If the White House Photographer still has a job after his wife's unrelenting gaffes, I'd be amazed.  I think the White House is STUPID for even letting this air. I'm sure they must have confidentiality clauses with all their insiders, particularly the photographer.  Between the White House Crashers and Kat the Brit, the show leaves you wondering why the White House Press Secretary isn't doing a better job of keeping the Administration OUT of the news instead of front and center.  Trust me, all press is not good press, especially in such a volatile political climate and with elections going on.   Kat's big mouth and Michaele's obsession with the limelight make the President look weak.  And rightfully so.  

Tune in next week! 

What's Next?

So this morning I watched Real Housewives of DC and Teen Mom.  I don't know if I can get into blogging every week about Teen Mom because I am so utterly REPULSED by Amber and Farrah and think that  Farrah's mom needs to be Baker Acted.  Oh, and Ryan and his "girlfriend" need to fucking crash.  Without Bailey in the car, of course. 

So how about RHODC?  Who's watching?  Valkster...you have to be on board with the next blog.  I need your color commentary.

Ali - After the Final Rose: Ooooh, the Irony!

So, um, is it just me or does Ali NOT see that what her and Frank did is essentially the same thing?  She did say on the last episode that she knew all along that Roberto was the one for her, so why then, wait until the last date to decide Chris wasn't?   I can relate to what Frank did.  Sometimes, you just think you're over something and then bam! it creeps up and bites you in the butt when you are least expecting it.  I really feel he had nothing other than the intention to resolve his inner turmoil when he went to Chicago to see his ex.  Maybe it was his emotional cop out, but maybe not.  Maybe it was just a revelation.  Whatever it was, at least he had the nerve to show up and tell her when he did, similar to Ali having the nerve to telling Chris when she had the revelation that Roberto was "the One".  Please...no throwing stones when you live in glass houses...

Oh no...do they really have to bring Chris back on?!  Do they really have to make him witness the whole thing all over again with his little face superimposed on his heartbreak?  Agh!  Oh God...the rainbow.  I can't keep it together.  No, seriously, I can't.  Waaaahhhhh!!!!!  Don't you ever wonder if when the "couple" breaks up they go searching for the one they left behind? How cheesy.  Stay gold, Chris...stay gold! Hahahahaha.

Ahhh, the happy couple.  Can Ali please stop saying how he's "too good" for her?  What the hell kind of message is that to send to the girls of America? Is that really what she thinks of herself?  I think that is my biggest beef with her and this season.  That and her overuse of the phrase "unbelievable man" when referring to any one of the 25 bachelors, Chris and Roberto included.  Oh wait, one more:  the whole "I've sacrificed everything" bit.  Oy.  

So, after seeing them together I can see the love.  I'm happy for them.  I'm still cynical and will have my eyes glued to the grocery store magazines to see the latest gossip, but I'm happy for them.  I hope they become another Trista and Ryan and actually make it.  I don't know when I turned into such a pessimist when it comes to love and am anxiously awaiting another Bachelor couple to prove me wrong. 

So, what's next?  The Bachelor Pad?  Woo hoooo!

Ali - Episode 10: First Impressions are Hard to Shake

First, let me say I want to punch Ali in the fucking face.  Second, let me say how happy I am I never have to see her annoying puppy eyes and hear her Fran Drescher voice while she's saying some complete and utter gibberish.  Third, let me say that it's a good thing that a) I'm in love with someone else and b) I've tamed my stalkerish qualities because if not, I'd have to be on the next plane to Cape Cod to find Chris myself.  And finally, let me say that Chris Harrison probably makes bucketloads of cash in Vegas with that poker face!!  Wow can that guy keep a straight face!!

Ugh.  I should be happy that she didn't pick Chris because all along, I've felt that he's just too great of a guy to end up as another Bachelor/ette casualty.  I'll probably feel that way tomorrow. But ugh. ugh. ugh!! Who, in their right mind, would ever let Chris go?! 

Let's recap.  First family date was with Roberto.  Does Ali's sister really have to say "Roh-ber-toh" in her really bad spanish accent?  Can I be the first hispanic on record saying we really don't give points for trying?  Ok, that's mean.  I'm bitter.  Forgive me.  So clearly, Ali got all the pretty genes in the family.  Alright, mean again...  How awkward must all that be for the dad, huh?  I just felt so uncomfortable for him the whole time.  Here's a couple guys you know are banging your daughter who you've never met and who are asking for your blessing to marry her?!  Mmmmmkay.  So, Ali kept telling us how much her family LOVED Roberto and how he "fit right in" and I don't know, I just didn't get that vibe at all.  I mean, not that I feel he didn't fit in, per se, but he wasn't the missing piece to their puzzle or anything.  Maybe I'm reading too much into the whole thing, but I see much more difficulty in the future of the union than the made for TV love story we've subjected ourselves to.  

Can I please wax Ali's brother's eyebrows? 

Chris gets the second family date, and to no one's surprise, they adore him.  Why?  My guess would be, aside from being the dreamiest of dreamies, is that he's a grown up.  I go back to Roberto being 26, just out of minor league ball, living in Charleston, SC, and being a horny little fucker.  That's GREAT for Mr. Right Now.  Not so great for Mr. Right.  So, the question is, can Mr. Right Now turn into Mr. Right?  I don't know.  Maybe.  I remember a time when my husband was Mr. Right Now.  Probably a few times.  I remember falling in lust with a whole slew of men (not all at the same time) hoping that they'd make the transition, and usually falling short.  And, it's not that I think long lasting love should be void of fireworks, because I absolutely don't.  But I also think there's a lot to be said for slow and steady.  To me, there was nothing boring about Chris.  Just a lot of practicality.  Practicality is the new black for me, especially as I sit here trying to figure out how we're paying the mortgage this month or how I'm trying to work through not liking the man I love very much today.  Tomorrow's a new day.  

Then again, I also realize we are where we are because we got piss drunk at 5 o'clock on some random Friday at Monty's on the Beach while taking lemon drop shots with beer chasers.  Talk about fireworks.  The rest is history.  

I really didn't get Ali's dad's point on Chris.  He lost me.  I was much more in tune with what Ali's sister was saying.  Go, Ali's sister.  Dude, they look nothing alike.  None of them!  So weird.  Not even a slight resemblance.   

Last date number 1 - Roberto.  Oh, the infamous gift scene.  Always so awkward because you know that gift is going in the garbage if she picks someone else.  Can someone tell Roberto he has a really, really bad sweating problem??  Do you guys think the producers pick random pictures to be framed on these remote locations and then offer them up as final gifts?  Roberto has very nice handwriting.  That right there will make my knees buckle.  If there's one common thread between the men I've loved it's been nice handwriting.  *swoon*.

Last date number 2.   Ahhhh, the moment of truth.  I have to give it to her.  I have to tip my hat to Ali and congratulate her for being one classy lady.  There's a lot to be said for not going into the Final Rose "not knowing" who you're going to pick.  Really, what you don't know is who's going to pick you back.  And I do admire her for letting go of her safety net to spite his feelings.  If I wasn't so heartbroken for him, I would probably feel much more warm and fuzzy towards her for it, but I can't right now.  Cut me some slack, I just finished watching.  

I don't have any doubts that Chris will be ok.  What I really hope for him is that he goes back to his life in Cape Cod, never to be seen again.  I would be disappointed if he became a fame whore.  I want him to disappear just like Reid from Philadelphia.  Not because I won't miss him, but because I'm pretty sure he'll be just fine and even better if he just goes back to being Chris the Landscaper with the chocolate lab and the perfect dad.  Chris, me and more than half of America love you.  I know, I know...what a consolation.

Did you guys totally chuckle when Roberto turns to Neil Lane and says "I know you know how I feel, Neil".  Um, why no, Roberto, actually, I don't!  Buahahahahaha!  Roberto totally flipped out.  I thought he was going to have a nervous breakdown and it is so amazing to me to see the fight or flight response in other people.  He went from picking a ring to "I'm not going to do anything that doesn't feel right blah blah blah".  Poor guy.  

Loved loved loved the wide collar on his shirt.  And he gets extra points ala Valkyrie's scoring system for wearing flat front pants.  A few points deducted for the shoes.  And a few more added for the sleek navy blue suit.  

In the end, I was much more emotional about Elton John having sold out to The Bachelorette than I was about the proposal.  

Signing off, 

Team Chris.   

Ali- Episode I Lost Count Part III: Picture Perfect

I am a traveler.  I am both fascinated and offended by people who have never been on a plane.  I have a very clear memory of being a teeny tiny toddler and not being able to walk on a plane due to the movement so I just got on all fours and crawled.  One of the most exciting things for me ever is going through "the tunnel".  You know, the part that connects the airport terminal with the plane?  So much excitement in so little square footage!  There are very few places I don't want to go and there are very few I really, really want to go to...anything else falls in the category of "give me an excuse and I'm there".  Chicago is one of my very few places I really want to go to.  

It's no secret that Frank has been one of my favorites since the first night.  But, I knew at some point, his bipolar tendencies would get to me, as I suspected they'd get to her.  I'm not sure what's going on this season, but the producers aren't doing too great of a job of relaying these "connections" Ali has with the guys.  Maybe it's as Valk says -- she is the one who isn't really ready to connect or open up, despite all her proclamations.   I mean, I know she's into Frank, but she makes some pretty bold statements to him that make me wonder what I missed.  Here's the thing:  I think Frank is right to be reserved.  Frank has said repeatedly that when he marries, it's just once and it's forever.  While you can hear that and think, "ho ho ho, what youthful optimism!", after meeting his family, I can see he means it and don't think she should be the one to take that away from him.  

She has no idea what she wants.  At first, she wanted to find true love with Jake.  Then she left Jake because she couldn't take such a chance and risk her "career".  Then , she changed her mind and wanted back on for Jake.  Then, she was happy she stuck it out with Facebook.  And then, she became the Bachelorette.  And she still doesn't seem to know what she wants.  All that is ok for anyone.  But not at the expense of others' dreams and goals.  I felt this way when she was on her hometown date with Chris and it became clear to me now with Frank, too.  Maybe because those are the two poor schmucks who really have the most to lose should they not be the final one.  Shit, even despite being the final one, we all know the track record of the Bachelorette and well, at some point common sense has to kick in.  I get betting on the horse, but not when the horse has never ever won the fucking race, man...

This hometown with Frank, I didn't pick up on his manic depressiveness as much as I picked up on his hesitation.  And I applaud him for that.  Because it isn't about who is standing on top of a mountain with a gorgeous blue-green sea behind them while cotton candy clouds float above at just the moment that seagulls are doing Blue Angels-type formations on the "Final Rose".  It's about forever.  It's definitely about forever for Chris and Frank.  The other two - Kirk and Roberto - meh.  Not so much.  

What can I say?  His family was pretty "amazing"...hahahahaha!  No, really, they were super duper fabulous.  I loved his dad.  I've got dad issues.  But his mom was awesome, too and Ali did seem to fit right in.  I mean, if it were me, I'd be a tad bit concerned that he's the manager at the GAP although I'd be secretly coveting my Banana Republic discounts, but would it be a deal breaker?  Maybe not, depending on the reality of his long term goals.  It's not about the money, but it is about security.  When money problems are always in the top 1-2 spots for reasons for divorce, you'd be silly not to think about how are you guys going to make it happen.  Whenever we would tell my mom about a guy we liked (and this started with the very first guy we liked), she used to always ask "A que dedica su tiempo libre?" which translates to "what does he do with his spare time?".  It was always an annoying question because what she wanted to know was did he have aspirations to be the next big doctor or lawyer, but to a certain extent, she was right.  FTR, I did not marry a doctor or a lawyer and have never dated anyone who was oozing with money, but I did marry someone who had conviction, drive, and WORK ETHIC.  So that's really what I'm talking about.  Work ethic.  Is Frank still content with backpacking France and living in hostels while he pursues his screenwriting hobby or is he going to get things done?  But really, those should be her concerns and regardless of the answer to her concerns, I still think Frank should RUN.  Run, Frank, run!!

I see a lot of myself in Frank.  Yes, ladies, I am totally manic depressive.  Hahahahaha!  It isn't because I am really, I don't think -- but it is because Ray and I speak different love languages.  Now, I'm not talking about some new age hippie self help book -- I'm simply talking about the way we express ourselves and interpret loving acts are completely different.  And that is a hard (not impossible) wall to come up against constantly.  So, what happens?  You do get that need for consistent reassurance.  And it probably does get annoying.  But it isn't going to change for many years to come because I suspect all that gets easier with the years you commit to learning how to communicate.  As perfect as they all seemed, my vote is a no for Frank and Ali. 

Alright, let me pause for a moment before getting to the Rose Ceremony to vent.  Was anyone else absolutely floored and insulted that she literally brought "wine from Portugal" to each and every fucking family?!  I'm really big on individuality and if I was any of these families, I would call up Kirk's dad and have her fucking head taxidermied for having the audacity to do one bundle gift to each and every one of them, I don't care how good the wine from Portugal is.  The fact that while in Portugal and on her date with Chris, Ali asked if his family liked wine and then said she would be taking THEM wine as a gift for the hometown only amped up the insulting factor by like a GAZILLION.  Ugh!  

How about the kissing?  Four hometown dates in one week.  I've dated four guys at the same time before.  But none of them on the same level of  seriousness and even without that same level of seriousness, I don't think I saw them all in one week and definitely didn't swap spit with all of them in that one week either.  I would just be totally weirded out by the whole thing.  It weirded me out watching her do it.   I'm also a lot like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (no, not getting paid to have sex part-- the kissing part) and so spit swapping is really intimate, but still.  Ew.  

The Rose Ceremony.  Forget who you think she was going to send home, who do you guys feel needed to go home?  I definitely felt it was Kirk.  And not because I don't like him.  Simply because it is a little weird that he's never had his heart broken.  It is a little weird that he doesn't bring girls home.  I mean, it's flattering to be the first girl a guy brings home when you're in ummm, say, 10th grade?  But at 27?  Not so much.  I get he went through a lot with his cancer (did he have leukemia?), but even that tells me they aren't really a good fit.  Ali can be deep and down to Earth and all those wonderful things, but she would not be human if she didn't secretly wonder if he was going to come out of remission at some point.  This didn't happen years ago, it was recent.  There just seemed to be too much baggage at the same time that there didn't seem to be enough.  

But you know, I don't have the greatest amount of faith in Ali so I for sure thought she was going to say bye to Roberto or Chris, which I was prepared for.  I almost feel she should say goodbye to Roberto.  And not worry for a second that someone more fitting isn't going to snatch him up before she can blink.  But he's YOUNG.  And he's had a pretty exciting life.  I used to date a minor leaguer once and I can't even tell you the amount of pussy those guys get.  There are serious groupies who just hang out at each and every game and they get laid DAILY.  I promise.  No, really, I do, because this guy was nowhere near as cute as Roberto (well, maybe he was) and he would call me to set up a date WHILE there was some chic riding him in his hotel room.  I wish I were kidding.  And he isn't the exception.  His loser friend had the same treatment.  So, let's do the math... He went to U of Tampa and presumably graduated from there (although that is a presumption, but why would he want to hang out at the school he never got a degree from?) so that makes him 22 and then he spent at least 1-2 years playing in the minors so that makes him 24, then another year to get back to real life, 25 and now he's how old?  26.  I just looked it up.  He's 26 years old.  Yeah.  Run, Roberto, RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

She continues to be hesitant about Chris and I think Valk is 100% correct.  She's hesitant about herself.  So, personally, Chris needs to run.  Because he really deserves nothing less and shouldn't settle for anything other than this soulmate love his father talks about.  You can make love happen.  You really can.  I used to date a guy who didn't believe in soulmates.  He pretty much felt that when a guy was ready he could pick a girl - any girl - and make it work.  I was young and naive and oh so offended at that thought.  But, he was right.  He really was.  And he was healthy.  There's a lot to be said about such a practical view on love.  It should be no surprise that after years of waiting for his soulmate to come back, he went on one date, got the girl pregnant and is now married with 2 kids.  Is he through the roof happy?  I don't know personally but I hear he is not.  But, his life is practical.  Practicality wins every time, ladies.  

Gosh, I'm feeling cynical this morning!!  For the record, I do think it's possible to be with your soulmate and be practical as well.  But I also believe we have soul paths much more than soulmates so now my definition of soulmate is ending up with who you were supposed to be with on your path in life rather than this cosmic connection that is bigger than anything else.  I think both can exist.  I think both can be healthy.  And I think once in a while, those two collide.  Which is magical.  Hence, Chris' dad and mom. 

So, going in to the Rose Ceremony, my bets were on Roberto because he looked really disheveled and that's always a sign of the guy who's going home, or Frank.  Frank because I felt she'd gotten fed up with the neediness.  

Despite my disgust for his full body blushing, I cried when she sent Kirk home.  I could never ever be the Bachelorette because a) I'm married and b) I could never break up with so many someones.  I am the most in your face person you will probably ever meet, but I am the most passive aggressive breaker upper ever.  I will do things to get you to dump me, but I just can't bring myself to pull the trigger.  So, I think I was crying for her.  It can't be easy.  I was also crying for him but in a hopeful way.  He doesn't see that this is the beginning of true love for him because as sad as it is, you do need to have your heart broken a few times to learn how to love.  Ugh...I just typed that and thought of my boys and my stomach turned.  I'll kill the bitch who breaks their heart...

So, final 3 in Tahiti are Roberto, Chris and Frank.  I don't like her for any of them, but I think the one who would recover the easiest is Roberto so I'm hoping she picks him in the end. 

Ali- Episode I Lost Count - Part II: So Many Possibilities

Ok, so maybe this is going to be a three-part post...

Oh man, I just finished watching the Kirk date!!!!!  I think I need to surveymonkey this bad boy!  I mean, should I call it the "Holy Braces!" episode?  How about Taxidermy Overkill?  hahahaha!  Or, ummm, what about "Holy Schnauzes!" I think I'll go with just plain fucking creepy.  Please, please, please don't be offended...but you midwesterners are all a bunch of kooks!  I have yet to meet a midwesterner I am not completely jaw dropping appalled over.  So...now that I have successfully tanked any chance of making it big as a Bachelor blogger, let me get on with the 3rd hometown date! 

Holy hell... what in God's name was all that business?!?!  Ok, let me just admit I can't stand Kirk.  His accent drives me batty.  His whole body blushing grosses me the fuck out and his beatie little eyes creep me out.  There's something about his fingers and the way he holds her head when he kisses her that makes me want to puke, too.  Really, I just can't stand him.  But, aside from all that, even if I thought he was fabu, which I do not, I have to tell you that if I'm on a reality dating show trying to "find love", I think that the statistics of the probability of divorce when both man and woman come from divorced families would be killing me.  I am also completely uber sensitive to the whole divorce issue, but I can never get those stats out of my head.  To further complicate my flight responses, hearing that his parents don't talk at all would make it all too weird for me.  Not that it's weird that they don't talk - my parents don't - but because I know how much more that adds to the dysfunctionality of it all.  

Anyway, what's up with Kirk's stepmom?  In the wise words of Austin Powers, "is that a man,baby?".  When I heard her talk I was like "whoa".    Also, for the record, if any father of any man I hardly know begins our first meeting with "so, do you want to go to my basement?", I would not be at all shocked to find out he keeps body parts next to popsicles.  Not one bit.  I'm just sayin'. 

I was really uncomfortable for her in both houses.  We'll get to Kirk's mom in a second.  Even if she is really down to Earth, which I don't doubt, she's still way too Hollywood for all of them.  It was like an episode of the Beverly Hillbillies or something.  I know Kirk was saying something to his little sister while on the couch, but I couldn't get past the redness of his face and neck.  Ew.  

Ok, Kirk Date Part II:  Awww, all the women in his life. So many red flags going up there, too, and I have no idea why. Lol.   At this point, I'm just picking on him.  My first reaction when they walked in was "holy Moses, all I see is BRACES!".  And then it turned into, "Oh WOW, I can't concentrate on dinner conversation because all I see is NOSES!".  And then it morphed into "could you imagine the size of the schnauz on their kid should Kirk and Ali have a baby?!".   I know you can't control who you fall in love with, but make no mistake about it, you most definitely CAN control who you procreate with. 

As you very well should.  

Ali - Episode I Lost Count

I know, I know...I've been lost.  I can't even tell you what it's been like at my house and quite frankly, the last 2 episodes before home visits weren't funny at all.  BOH-RING! 

First, let me say right now that I have not finished watching last night's episode.  I am two parting it and thus, two parting this blog.  Woo hoo!  But, I needed to comment right here and right now.

Where do I start?  Well, aside from the fact that I really do.not.like Ali, I will start with first hometown date and Robertoh!  Wooooo hooooooooooo, Robertoooooooooooooooooooo!  Listen, Ali, you are not the only one who thinks a man in a baseball uniform is the sexiest thing EVAH!  I really don't know what you've got, Ali, that has this small group of seemingly fabulous men so hooked on you.  I just don't see it.  But anyway. 

Umm, Roberto's family was soooo the typical hispanic family.  I am almost certain that he is NOT Cuban, but it was so eerily familiar- the entire scene (minus the lasagna they had for dinner).  Here's the thing:  it's really hard for a white girl to infiltrate and not feel threatened.  Shit, it's hard for a non-carribean hispanic girl to infiltrate and not feel threatened.  Did you notice how Roberto, Sr. started the talk?  He said to her there was no doubt in his mind that she had a pretty AMAZING guy and he wanted to know what SHE was bringing to the table.  And that folks, is it right there...

You probably don't realize it, but in a lot of families, it's thought that the woman will now somehow "complete" the situation and nope, not for Roberto's family (or Ray's for that matter).  They are blessed to be viewed as the "perfect sons", so really, there isn't anything that can tamper with perfection.  The incoming woman then is only viewed in terms of how she won't negatively impact the son.  It isn't as cynical as I am making it seem, but, it's still exactly how I am describing it.  

Which is why his father had such a problem with her stressing the importance of her career and of HER happiness in order to make HIM happy.  I mean, that's all good and fine in theory, but at the end of the day, what are you going to do for your man to make sure he's happy?  Because if you do for him, he does for you.  This is a lesson the hispanic community understands, but it seems the "American" community is in constant struggle with.  You know, woman's right's and shit.  It is best summed up like this:  My husband is the King of my world and I treat him as such willingly as much as he demands to be treated so.  The flip side is that since he is the King, make no mistake about it-- I am the Queen and I get treated as such.  You'd be hardpressed to find a wife married to a happy hispanic that isn't pretty happy herself.  It's really a pretty cool deal as long as you take the "feminist" struggles out of it.   

Anyway, I'm rambling.  My gut feeling is basically that while Roberto and Ali have a really, really good connection and seem really happy together, they will live a life of struggle.  She may pick him in the end, but she will never be happy.  And neither will he.

Let's fast forward to Hometown Date 2.  And he's the reason I need to write today.  I am so sad after watching that date!  I felt so much for him and his family and was just a mess.   I feel like she doesn't get how amazing he is and how amazing they all are and how, in the end, they are really the perfect fit for her.   She doesn't have the same connection she has with Roberto, that's for sure.  But if what she wants is happiness...if what she wants is career...if what she wants is to be the one in charge (which is what I gather), then what she wants is Chris.

I swear, I could have taken his dad home with me.  I had a lot of emotion over that episode and I'm not sure why.  Maybe it was all the soulmate talk.  If you compare the two, you'll see what I'm talking about.  Chris' dad was very excited about what Ali would bring to the family...he felt that was part of her role.  He felt she would help complete and heal.  Chris probably feels the same way.  That's something she'll never ever get with Roberto's family and maybe she'll always feel she isn't ever good enough. 

I don't doubt it.

Ali- Episode 4: Unicorn Love and Bad Tattoos

 Seriously, girls, this one was just too damn good to wait one second longer to blog about.  I mean, you guys  (Jode & Valk) haven't even begun to see it, but I just can't go to bed without somehow releasing all this  pent up laughter from tonight's show.  It's really hard to watch a show this funny with two sleeping babies on either side of you.   What the hell was that?!  I swear, I have no idea how they come up with these things!

Chris Harrison walks in and does his preshow pep talk.  From now on, the remaining guys will be traveling around the world to help Ali find love.  The camera goes to Frank and yup, he does say "he's already done soooo many things with Ali", but he still feels a little threatened.  It's all so weird.  From our perspective, these guys see her for minutes at a time and yet they all have these bizarre "connections" to her.  It makes me batty.  

First Stop:  New York City.  Some fabulous gay guy is dressing Ali for her New York City dates.  Either Fabulous Gay Guy or his make up artist ask her about the guys and she references Kirk first? And WTH did she say about Kasey...is she suffering from marble mouth syndrome, too?  Ooooh, yeah...she's smitten by Roberto alright.  She totally took her panties off for Roberto already ferrrrrrr sherrrrr.  Frank? 'Soooooo funny'?? Hahahaha.  That's sooooo funny! 

Oh no. Date cards...1st date is with Kasey and wha? Kirk says dang it?? Ugh.  Only guys named Kirk say dangit. And apparently, guys named Kasey say "unrealizable potential". I swear, if it weren't for Tivo, I'd think I was taking some heavy drugs.  This whole episode was annoyingly funny to me.  I could not understand a fucking WORD Kasey was saying.  It was irritating the hell out of me because no matter how loud I put the damn TV, I still felt like I had an insurmountable amount of wax buildup in my ears. 

Before the date, all the guys sit around and discuss how Kasey feels he is very secure of the connection he has with Ali.  And then Cape Cod Chris refers to him as having Unicorn Love.  Pretty sure that's the best nickname yet.  Kasey really annoys the fuck out of me because he keeps saying "that girl".  And every time he says, "that girl", I get a visual of some white dude in a bad rap video doing an air signal for smacking that ass.  I don't know why my brain works that way...it just does.  So just imagine that for a moment and then wish right along with me that you could be outside of my brain every time he says "that girl".  "That girl is so gorgeous" [smack that ass].  "That girl has me crazy" [smack that ass].  Uggggg!!! Make it stoooop!!!!  Note to Kasey:  If said Unicorn Love really does include puppy dogs and cat whiskers and fairytales, please refrain from reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar before your first one on one with Ali because I don't know what  the fuck you just said about a damn cocoon and a fucking butterfly and Jake!!!!!!!!! [smack that ass].   As if everything Kasey related could get any worse... oh God, no...not an acapella.  You see, my brain isn't crazy-- it's intuitive.  He is the white dude in the really bad rap video and he won't shut up!  Then he ends it with a Beavis and Butthead giggle and a "that's pretty intense stuff". Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! Sound Guy loves us, ladies, cause cue in the crickets (except, in true NYC fashion, they weren't crickets, but seagulls to remind us of the Island of Manhattan--wink, wink)!  Woot wooooot!!

But wait!  The date isn't over.  It's actually only just begun.  How can that be?  Ali and Kasey go to the Museum of Natural History on the Upper West Side.  Ali's sitting there with this face thinking she just doesn't know what she's going to do.  Do any of you watch SNL?  I used to watch it back when Mango and the Butabi Brothers were big.  Ali has the same expression as the girls who would get sandwiched by the Butabi Brothers in the clubs while "What is Love" would play in the background.  I swear, all he needed was to unbutton his shirt, pull out his gold chain, and puff his chest hairs.  This guy is 27 years old.   He's either a) using lines that have never ever worked or b) living in some universe where he watches too many episodes of Knightrider or Chips thinking these lines *do* work.  Kasey totally reminds me of the newest psycho on Desperate Housewives -- the one who was Rex's son?  Freak.  We hear Ali in her confessional state that Kasey's a nice guy, blah blah blah... he's a little cheesy...blah blah blah...  Listen, cream cheese is a little cheesy.  Kasey?  Kasey 's got more cheese than the state of Wisconsin, Green Bay fans and their bad hats included.    But you know, he just doesn't stop.  Ali's deer in headlights look doesn't even slow him down.  She's a brave one, that Ali and risks telling him how she feels and what does he say?  Tivo, rewind, Tivo, rewind, Tivo, rewind:  "This is who I am, this is my heart...jump in and stay a while."  And then another fucking song.  I can't make this shit up.   I swear.  Because if I could, I would have never thought about the line where he says after finishing his third freaking acapella "heh heh heh, it just kinda came to me.  This is what you do-- you inspire me".  Barf. 

Ladies, we've got a new drinking line!!!  Get yer soft liquor cause we're going to get drunk real soon!  Take a shot every time Kasey says "guard and protect your heart"!  Go!!!  Yup, once more!!  Uh-huh, keep going...atta girl!!  Yeah, yeah, don't stop yet!  Nope, you've got about 6,548,876,252 more shots to go!!

Ok, we survived that one.  The next one is the Broadway group date and what about Gay Weatherman peeing himself from the excitement of Broadway doesn't say funtastic coming our way?!  Nothing, that's what!

I have to interject here and say that if my friend Tess heard Ali, a "big" theater fan proclaim the Lion King to be one of the best productions on Broadway, she might just have a coronary.  Don't get me wrong, it's a great show, but it isn't one of those "critically acclaimed" shows that big theater fans usually rant and rave about.  Way too Hollywood for the hardcore Broadway buff.   Alright, back to fun!

And really, what isn't fun about a bunch of guys in black biker shorts and pastel colored shirts??  What about this date doesn't have Richard Simmons written all over it??  Nothing, that's what!!  C'mon, let's keep moving to the oldies!!  These guys are brave.  I have to give them that much.  I would never embarrass myself for a guy.  Never.  I have dignity.  If dignity isn't enough, then too fucking bad.  Nothing's dignified about biker shorts in any era that isn't the 1980s.  And then they have to sing, too?  Wowsa.  They all freaking suck.  Except for DGG.  DGG can sing.  But hold on to your wet panties, ladies, Roberto's on the prowl!  Roberto, the mastermind behind looking at Ali while singing wins.  And the guys all call him Rico Suave.  Which is funny.  And stereotypical (pssssst, Valk...total RACIAL PROFILING!).  But aside from that, I wonder how many of them actually know where the term comes from.  Gerardo, anyone? 

I don't know what it was about tonight's show that really highlighted the confessionals for me.  I don't know if I ever paid much attention before.  But tonight, they are hilarious.  Frank's confessionals, in particular, are just making me pee.  They're never anything short of him having a complete titfit.  He needs a xanibar, asap.  We need a pharmacist...xanibars for Frank and cockzac for Weatherman. 

Anyway, Roberto "winning" (and I use that term lightly) this Lion King competition means that he gets to perform with Ali.   And while they're practicing, I can't help but wonder what in the world is sexy about  a pasty latin guy hanging in the air while sitting in a paper mached diaper?   Let's not even begin to discuss what the costume does to Ali's body...it totally transforms her into this wide-backed, flat assed, thing and then we get a shot of the guys discussing and yes, ladies, Kirk said cooch, quickly followed by cleavage.  If I were a paying guest, I'd want my damn money back.  Pronto!   At the end of the performance, we get to hear Roberto say how he'll never forget the night with Ali.  Yeah. I'll never forget seeing a guy hang from a diaper on Broadway either.  Ever.

Alright, another wrap party. Yawn.  Wait...are these guys all drinking amaretto sours? Hahaha., I sure think soooo!!!  Richard Simmons catered the afterparty, too, ladies, because only gay guys in polyester daisy dukes drink amaretto sours!  Alright, so during the wrap party, Frank is so freaked out by her "connection" with Roberto that he begins fraternizing with the Weatherman.   I mean, c'mon Frank! Hold your own !!  Ali senses Frank's major meltdown and she and him go outside.  Now, I don't know about you, but their one date was like EONS ago and they seem she seems rather close and comfy for someone who's had so much space.  Which brings me to this only logical conclusion:  She totally slipped her panties off for Frankie boy, tooooo! Niiiice!!  "Whorish" or not, if you know you're going to be engaged at the end of this, then I'm all for sleeping with as many of them as possible (discreetly).  You never know which one of these sorry guys will be the owner of the very last penis you see.  I'm just sayin'. 

This date ends because Ali does not feel good at all.  We aren't sure if she's finally mortified over the diaper in air over Broadway scene or the horror of keeping Kasey thru the Rose Ceremony finally hits her or if maybe she's just got a bad cold.  It could really be a culmination of all three.  But if that weren't bad enough, she turns and says to the guys, "Kirk will be walking me up to my room" and the guys have a total and I mean TOTAL conniption.  Of course, led by Gay Weatherman...who sits there and contemplates as the milliseconds go by what in God's name could Kirk and Ali be doing up there!   And, that, ladies is a question only a gay virgin who insists on batting for the other team (in this case, Team Ali instead of Team Rated-R, for instance) can ask over and over and over again and not know the answer to.  "Kissing" probably doesn't cut it, buddy. 

 Woo hoooooo!  Final date goes to the Birthday Boy!!!  I wonder what sign he is.  It still looked cold, but not too cold.  He doesn't seem like he could be an Aquarius and I really hope he isn't a Capricorn.  Anyway, Chris L., I freaking LOVE youuuuuuuuu!!!!!  Backpack, bad striped shirt, jeans with sneakers, your incessant love for the word "like" and allll!!  He showed up with soup and a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I swear, Chris L., you had me at "The Cahd". 

The date with Cape Cod Chris is going as well as we all knew it would.  They seem to have an "adult" relationship, which involves a lot of talking and connecting on more a more intellectual level.  Their relationship so far doesn't seem like it's sprinkled with that intense physical attraction, but honestly, in this setting, I'm all for it.  I think if you can fight the ulterior motives of the producers and build your own connection sans hormone inducing scenarios, then you've got yourself a winner. Ali calls his dad so that Cape Cod can speak to him for his birthday and of course that wins tons of points for both Ali and Cape Cod Chris and then they go off to the rooftop where some guy named Joshua Radin is playing.  And this is her favorite guy EVER.  I have never heard of him.  Does that make me old?  Out of touch with today's youth?  Ok.  But what I really want to know is why Ali does insist on doing this bouncy twirly dance, regardless of what the rhythm of the song actually is?  Despite the overzealous dancing, we get enough romance (read=alcohol) to induce a make out moment.  Finally!  I mean really, it was taking way too long.  He should have went in for the kill when they were inside on the couch.  But then, just then, I see it...oh no. Oh no. Oh nooooooo!!!!!  The kiss.  He's a face sucker.  I could tell.  Oh no.  Valk, where's your calculator?? Deduct 140!!! And bring the plunger...she's going to need a little help to break free from that kiss.

During Cape Cod Chris' date, Marble Mouth Kasey disappears from the room and goes to get a tattoo.  You know, because he doesn't understand why Ali thinks he was being insincere, so tattooing a heart and a shield on his wrist of all places is the way he's going to show her.  Let's not forget, ladies, that Kasey is there to guard and protect her heart.  And all he wants is someone to guard and protect his.  What he doesn't realize is that he's looking for a Rottweiler, not a wife.  Kasey leaves the tattoo shop and tells us viewers how he's proud of himself because of his tattoo and how this for sure means and will prove to Ali he's "literally wearing his heart on his sleeve".  You fucking fucktard!  For fuck's sake!!!  You tattooed your wrist, you asshat!  It's not like you threw on an Ed Hardy shirt!  Hardly a literal translation at all, you dumb fuck!

Holy hell, I can't take this season.  I just can't.  I just can't stop laughing long enough.  Cocktail party time and I must say right now, Kasey, when your skin tone, your shirt and your tie are all the same color, that is not considered a fashion forward monochromatic look.  I promise. Oh God, here's Gay Weatherman in a confessional begging for a rose.  And yes, he does pick up a couch pillow and attempt to pin it to his suit.  Asshat, that's a peony. Not a rose.  Yeah. I hope she gives you a friggin peony.

Wait a minute...I want to know something.  Have you guys noticed the random quiet guy in the black suit and gray tie?  Who is that?  Is he an undercover air marshall who accompanied them on their CA to NY flight? Will he be following them on all their flights around the world?  Interesting. 

The cocktail party is Rated-R's chance to show us all he's a friggin' sissy.  He acts like a 13 year old about to tell the teacher the kid behind him is looking up girls' skirts with the mirror he's taped to his shoe laces.   I get the desire to expose Kasey and his bad tattoo, but I don't get the purpose, other than making you look just as bad as the rest of them.  He calls Kasey out and finally, Kasey gathers the boys around the fireplace and shows him how much he cares.  He really shows them how he's here for the right reasons.  He wants us all to know that there's a lot of passion in that tattoo and he's going to show Ali just how much he's here for the right reasons and how sincere he really is.  But not before explaining to us that he also put 11 rocks (???) on the tattoo representing each of the remaining guys?!  What.The.Hell?!  I demand an on-air interview with the tattoo artist!! I want his take on it ASAP!  I couldn't, for the life of me, make out what Cape Cod Chris said, but it was really, really, really fucking funny and something along the lines of being the "Bachelorette Dude with the bad tattoo".   Kasey has some alone time with Ali where he's going to do his "big reveal" only to be interrupted.  But not before enlightening us with his analysis of what went wrong on their museum date. "Um, I overcompensated a little" and so now I'm going to show you my freak tattoo???  Why, oh why did Frank have to interrupt?  We could have been back to audible contestants just in time for Iceland...

Rose time, girls.  The Air Marshall stays.  The creepy lawyer named Craig gets one, too.  Rated-R is in for one more entertaining week...DGG is nice and sweaty while waiting for his name to be called and the final rose goes tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...............................KASEY?!?!  Over DGG?!?!?!  What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?!?!

DGG--I mean, Jesse, I promise I'll reinstate cow tipping just for you-- forget Cars.  But wait, when you say you "can't wait to see your dogs", do you mean your 'woof woof dogs' or your 'yo' wut up dawgs'?

Maybe it really wasn't meant to be...

Ali- Episode 3-Part 2: Here for the Right Reasons!

Ohhhh yeah...the benefits of splitting this blog up in two parts is not needing to be torn on the title! Woot woot!!

Before I start, I want to reply to Valk's comments (thank you, btw, for keeping my mind off the surgery).  First, Gay Weatherman does not need a Prozac...he needs a Cockzac.  ASAP.  And despite my beers and mango margaritas I do remember your number rating system which I absolutely LOVED.  Cape Cod Chris is totally a +20.  I just love him.  And I would love to be on a trip to the Cod with my favorite hippie Republican the only hippie Republican I know.   Hee heee heee.   Also, I think Daniel is totally right.  I mean, c'mon...the hot tub scene which was more of a spectacle was totally unwarranted.  I don't like it when the guys make out in front of the other girls, I surely am going to be put off when the girls do it.  But thank you, Daniel, for putting the right emphasis on it - que puta! Did he say anything about the car scenes?  That's just funny.  However, I must deduct about a gazillion points from Daniel for not spotting the TGG (Token Gay Guy).  Because for  all his sexy manliness, I am sure your Daniel would not be caught dead in a tight white jacket with a sexy purple shirt underneath.  And let's not even bring up the crying.  There's no crying in speedos!!  EVERRRRR!

Ok, where were we?  Ah, yes...the "controversial" scene.   Let me try and take myself back a little...  In the beginning of the show, Chris Harrison walks in and says, in a weird, on the spot kind of way, that things are heating up and the guys have to do "anything they can" to get some alone time with Ali, right?  And then, Rated-R goes on this group date where he can't get into the hot tub, where he's stuck doing the House of Pain (jump around, jump around, jump up jump up and get down!) again, but I can't remember when the second one on one date card comes in.  Regardless, the show made is seem as if the dates are all back to back to back and that Rated-R decided the morning after his group date to break free and One-Leg-Up it all the way to her house, right?  Are we supposed to believe this?  Am I supposed to believe that no other person in Bach history has ever tried to go to the contestant's house?  Oh, wait, Wes snuck into Jillian's balcony when they were staying on site.  And, well, we all know what a douche Wes turned out to be.  But seriously?  And so since it's so forbidden, as they make it seem, we're supposed to think that the security guards just let him out of his house, gave him directions to her house and drove behind him at super duper slow speed while filming his hobble up and down these crazy California mountains, until he gets to her house?  Ok, whatevs!  

Did they kiss or anything while they were there?   I was on Facebook when that scene was going on so I wasn't paying too much attention.  I really wasn't as offended or outraged as all the other guys were, only because I think if anyone else would have thought of it, they would have done the same thing.  The guy isn't really that off when he says he's been at a huge disadvantage because of his cast.  I mean huge might be a bit of an exaggeration, but you know, he did have to limp around during the sandy calendar scene, he wasn't able to go in the hot tub, and he's always the slowest one to get to her when the guys start their massive swarming.  However, when I realized it was cutting into Hunter's date, then I was a little put off.  Not because I think her and Hunter would have had some connection had the date had the chance to last 2 more hours, (OMG, could you just imagine that date lasting TWO MORE HOURS?!) but because maybe she was so over the moon with his supposed 5 mile hobble that she didn't really give him the time of day.  What I can't figure out is how she translated his move into "he really showed me he'll do anything for me".  But hey, if it works for you...  Soooo, do we think he hobbled back down or does someone think maybe he caught a ride?  Hahahaha!  I was also wondering why no one picked him up.  You really think those roads were so isolated that not one person driving them saw a film crew and a hot guy in crutches and didn't offer to give him a lift?  This one I'm just not buying. 

Do we have to talk about Hunter's date?  All I can remember is the cricket noises the sound guy cleverly put in during their outdoor fireplace scene.  I get the producer's her rationale behind picking a stay at home date, but really?  Do we really think that the atmosphere had nothing to do with her intense emotions over guys like Frank and Jesse (that's DGG- I remembered his name)?  I purposely left out Roberto because I can pretty much assure it doesn't matter where those two are, he would create a spark.   You know, maybe Frank wasn't soooo dreamy (you girls totally tainted me!), but being under the Old Hollywood sign was and wow!  As much as I want it to be otherwise, DGG is a friggin' bore, yet I know from experience one can assume that the backdrop of Vegas added a storyline in Ali's mind that just wasn't there.  Not to get all scientific here, but there are certain hormones in play when you're feeling all high which are the same hormones in play when you're feeling in love.  These show people really know what they're doing and next time Ray tells me I'm an idiot for believing that people can fall in love in a few weeks, I will explain to him how this "love" is biologically induced.  Pft.  Which brings us back to poor, big eared (was he the Uke guy?) Hunter, his boring stay at home date and and his packed bags.  Wuahwahwah.

What was fucked up about it all was Rated-R's insistence that Hunter was going home.  I'm not down with  even a slight air of entitlement from anyone, not even someone as hot as you, RR!  I can't bear to hear Kasey speak -- I realize he probably has a hearing aid so that's mean for me to say -- but it isn't even that, it's just that he looks totally fucking creepy and really, hasn't ever said anything or done anything that warrants him being kept.  But it's still early enough where she isn't really getting rid of people who haven't wowed her, she's still eliminating people who have offended her.  Ugh, I got sidetracked.  Alright, so then there was the male hot tub scene where Rated-R starts crying.  There's just way too much crying on this show, and oddly enough, it isn't from the Bachelorette.  I get the need to show these guys how genuine you are and I really do feel bad for him because I know what it feels like to be somewhere you are hated.  Right now, we don't know whether there is or isn't a reason for it, other than maybe all these guys are mad that the WWF turned into the WWE?  Or that Hulk Hogan sold out to MTV.  I mean really, I don't know.  I get that wrestling is lame and all, but I don't get all the envy.  But anyway, the hot tub scene is where we started to hear the guys moan and groan about who was there "for the right reasons".  Let's just break that little cliche apart right here, right now.  What are the "right reasons"?  Does anyone really believe that any of those guys are there to "fall in love"?  I've never ever ever met a man worth a shit who at that age, was trying to fall in love.  Never.   So, are the "right reasons" wanting to make out with a hot girl on national TV?  How about trying to get laid with camera crews all around?  Hmmm, or promoting your shitty wrestling name?  I don't get it.  None of them, other than maybe the sorry sap of a Bachelorette, are "there for the right reasons".  I really hope you are all saying that aloud with me because while I'm typing, I am totally hearing it in chorus. 

Finally, we get to the cocktail party.  This big annoying guy, who really isn't any different than the big annoying guy in the Jillian season who kept referring to "Man Code" was bashing Rated-R.  And all the guys were just hovering around like he was some quarterback calling a play.  Why do guys do that?  I hate when I see men acting like girls. Why the gossiping?  This is why Ray won't watch the show with me.  Because he starts in on his never ending rant about how men don't learn how to be "men" in this day and age and he has no explanation for it other than to say it's just "being a man!".  That is probably because it doesn't translate over well, but basically it's what is called "condiciones de hombre", literally, conditions of a man.  Still a little vague, don't you think?  Anyway, so there in the background is little old Rated-R and I really appreciate the fact that he's able to confront them all and of course, they all get eerily quiet.  Because you know, for all the shit-talking they do, none of them want to say it in his face.  But they do, and then he goes off and cries.  I felt bad for him.  It has to suck to be in some strange house with a bunch of guys trying to get with "your" girl and then on top of that, they all hate you.  Part of what I love most about this show is seeing the friendships form and seeing how upset the other contestants are when one of their friends doesn't get a rose.  I think I love it so because I think it's unrealistic or maybe even impossible, so it's always a nice surprise for me.

Who did she talk to during the cocktail party?   Did she talk to Psycho Frank?  I can't remember.  I remember she spoke to Kasey.  And she spoke to Roberto.  And this is where Roberto gave me a slight case of heebie jeebies.  Because it was Roberto who then went running in to tell allll the other guys that Justin had gone to her house.  Again, way too girlie for me.  Ray was watching at that point and I asked him why he was so offended by that (his rant started).  I wanted to know what he would have done differently and his response was he would have gone straight up to Rated-R and talked to him about it and then left it at that.  He says the way Roberto ran to tell everyone else was totally uncalled for.  I can see his point. 

Anyway, in the end, Gay Weatherman gets a rose and so does Rated-R.  The End.  Oh, if only it were so.  Gay Weatherman gets a rose?!  So weird.   She axed the nice guy who made a picnic for her in front of the house, and since right now, she's still about eliminating only those who offend, I can only assume he had really, really bad breath. 

Next week, they go somewhere fun and I swear I thought I saw pee trickling down Gay Weatherman's leg when she let them know.  Why aren't all the manly men ranking on the sissy?  Why are they all hung up on Rated-R?

We shall see...

Ali- Episode 3-Part 1: The Plaid Shirt is Haunting Me

Really, the title for this one was a total toss up.  It could have easily been called the episode where our favorite line took front and center stage-- it could have been called the "Here for the Right Reasons" episode.  *eye roll*!

 I was hoping we'd at least get through another couple weeks before we had to start taking shots every time someone says "for the right reasons".  How ever am I supposed to blog if I won't be coherent enough to remember?
   

Back to the plaid shirt.  Because for all that went on last night, I can't get past it.  Valk, bare (bear?) with me.  I promise I'm not spoiling anything but it is just human nature for me to connect the dots!  I don't mean to do it!  I've been fighting the conspiracist in me all day!  But I can't any longer.  And FTR, I have not even spoken to the girl at work and have avoided her like the plague because I do not want to know.  But you know, the show people-- they suck. 

First one on one date of the night was with Roberto.  Do you remember Jesse the snowboarder?  Well, apparently he blogged somewhere that Bach has absolutely no control over who they pick for the one on ones or the group dates!  It's totally "random" according to the whims of the producers and the "story line".  Do not ask me why I am surprised and yes, I am the asshole who swallows most of this BS up. 

So, they go on a helicopter ride, right?  And what to do I notice?  The plaid shirt.  Yeahp.  Because, you know, in the previews they showed the first episode which they probably won't ever show again where some guy is accused of having a girlfriend, it's a guy in a plaid shirt.  I was fer sher it was Justin.  But now...now I wonder.  And yes, yes, yes, I know that's what they want me to do!!  Hook, line and sinker, man...

So they go walk on a tight rope.  Now, I don't really believe they didn't fall.  Hahahaha!  The things for me not to believe.  And that kiss in the middle was so staged!  I was uncomfortable watching it.  Because the date seemed eerily familiar to Jake and Triple V's first date where they kissed while hanging upside down...boh-ring!    Anyway, so it seems a little unbelievable that they would have gone that long distance without falling.  Or turned on a string, kissed, and not tipped one or the other over.  Just not probable.  But whatevs.  Bygones.

What is it about our latin men???  Oh man, when I saw her having dinner with him, she was just soooooo smitten!  You white girls luuuuuurve the latin spice (was that racial profiling, Valk?  huh? Huh?  RPRPRPRPRPR!- jajajajaja!).  I can totally see why.  I was just sitting in bed observing him and remembering.  There is just a certain amount of untainted chivalry that most good latin men will have.  It's a machista quality they carry proudly and most definitely why I love them so.  I love the look of American men...I do.  But no way.  There's very few things that can compare to that feeling of being the Queen...of being the only woman in the world that matters when they look at you and touch you with this spark that seems to permeate from ALL of them.  The problem is, you aren't the only girl feeling it! Hahahaha!  Ok, so yeah, I can see why you all love Roberto.  I'm on board now, too.  At least I was during the date.

After my rant yesterday on my facebook page about my children speaking too much English, I want to interject here and say that I promise I did not pay the Bachelorette people to have a storyline which timed itself perfectly with said rant. And I also want to say that I wonder if I was wrong about Roberto and think that he may be either Cuban (probable) or Venezuelan.  I didn't think either at the time of the first episode. 

Alright, back to the date.  It was nice and all.  She's amazed by his "culture".  He is totally in to her.  And we think he's oh so cute and sweet and chivalrous and dreamy and you know, when we look at him, it's not like he's apparently sexy.  Like overly obvious sexy like Rated-R.  So this is where I used to always feel I was getting into some untapped market when I would pick out the quiet, sweet type in the back and avoid the Lead Singer, but I can promise you that what we're seeing, every other girl he comes into contact with is seeing, too.  Maybe things are a little slow for him in his current town in South Carolina, but I can't for the life of me figure out how a Roberto, ex minor leaguer, dreamy, "cultured", twenty-six year old ends up on the Bachelorette.  But this is of course, the plaid shirt talking.  End of date, he gets a rose.  I also want to add that I totally think they did the nasty already.  Way too much cuddling going on on that roof top for a first date.  I also want to say she is damn lucky there was no car to drive because if you want to take all that dreaminess, hot, sexy spiceyness away from a latin guy -- any latin guy [who's worth a shit] -- then don't you dare think about emasculating him.  They treat you like Queens alright.  With the full, unspoken understanding that you will be treating them like Kings.  Yes, the King...the Master of his Domain.  Don't argue with it.  Don't fight it.  For christ's sake, don't get stereotypically feminista over it, either.  Or your days are numbered.  Ali, if you're reading this (hahahaha!) and you picked him, trust me!! 

While Roberto was busy romancing the girl, the group date card came in.  A bunch of everyones got on their and a few I can't remember whos didn't.  Oooooooooh, the group date.   So many things wrong, so little time to cover them all.  I'm typing quickly while Bryan is asleep so I'm hoping he doesn't wake up.

First of all, other than that first song they sang to get everyone in the group familiarized with who the fuck they were, I can't pick out a Bare Naked Ladies song for the life of me.  As Kristin's text said today while she was watching it online, "The Bare Naked Ladies are so not awesome!".  But I digress.  I swear, girls, I think these producers are writing for US now!!!  Just me an yous!!!  Why else would they give us so much damn material to pee ourselves all over?!  I can't tell if it's my incontinence due to vaginal birth or the sheer hilarity of it all.   I'm totally betting on the latter.

I think I must fast forward right now.  Right through the 9 takes of slapping Frank, which hurt me at the end of it all.  Right through Denim Get Up Guy and his steamy muscles and piercing blue eyes.  Right through the sexy kissing Cape Cod Chris on the back in the mirror to the only scene worth a damn.  Yes, girls, the Gay Weatherman and his kissing scene.  One of the main reasons I rushed to finish last week's blog before watching this week's is because I didn't want to be tainted.  Last week, when he totally flipped his fucking lid over having to wear speedos for the calendar shoot, I felt bad for him having to expose his small penis size on national TV.  He didn't voluntarily admit the information in the same way that One Minute Man did the first night.  He was forced to package those puppies into a vacuum seal of a bathing suit and expect to come out looking ok.  Or not.  So I felt bad for him.  I was uncomfortable for him.  But, after last night's reaction, I can not only confirm and bet my right boob (which, BTW, is the official moneymaker of *this* house) that he's a flaming, FLAMING call the Fire Dept he is BURNING homosexual, but that he also has some serious psychological issues which will ensure that when he gets back to wherever he's from (oh please don't let it be Texas!), he will no longer be the Weatherman, unless the Bravo Network is taking up a news show where his Gay Weatherman services will be needed.  Did this fucking guy CRY over a kissing scene?!?!  Was he seriously in a sweat induced meltdown due to a KISSING SCENE?  Did he have performance anxiety over some TONGUE ACTION?!  Look, you can say the guys were being "mean" or insensitive or whatever, but c'mon...you can't give someone that much material to work with and not expect a reaction!  I seriously threw up a little in my mouth when she was finally able to suck it up and kiss him.  Oh God.  And then the way he touched her hair and her back???  Oh my God.  Never.Been.Laid.   I was so freaking creeped out.  But, that scene begs this question:  Is there something wrong with the Weatherman, or with the sorry ass Bachelorette who kept him around?  I mean, what does it say about what, exactly, you're looking for when you keep a gay guy around?  And not because there's anything wrong with gay guys.  Except for maybe when they're on a dating show where the WOMAN is the final prize.  I'm just sayin'. 

Another few notable train wrecks during the video taping were, of course, Frank's spasmatic reaction to anything related to another man touching Ali ( I could totally see him going into a corner and popping his anti-anxiety medication) and the Kirk scene.  Ooooh, the Kirk scene....there's something disturbing to me about any guy named Kirk.  It's the same thing as a guy named Chet.  Blech!!  Is Kirk Scrapbook Guy?!?  I think he is!  Anyway, so here she is doing this steamy bedroom scene with a bunch of guys she really hasn't had much contact with and all of a sudden she has to roll around in silk sheets while dry humping some guy she's never even hugged??  So weird.  Reeeeeeeaaaaaallly uncomfortable for me to watch.  I mean, let's be realistic...it's not like he's the sexiest thing on there.  And, you know, he may exude some sort of unspoken sex appeal that is completely lost in translation due to the camera, but I doubt it.  At least there isn't enough of that to warrant that kind of a scene from her. Or Frank's oversized meltdown over the "connection" her and Kirk were experiencing.  Because until that moment, he was the only guy there was a "connection" with.  Alternate universes really are fun!

The wrap up party (also completely played out and oh-so-familiar thanks to last season's exact same wrap up party, but without psycho Michelle to make it entertaining) was also weird and uncomfortable.  First of all, Denim GG needs to step things up.  His tallness isn't going to get him noticed if he doesn't actually say anything.  Right now he's just standing around like a Royal Palm instead of swaying in the breeze like a coconut tree.  Be the coconut tree, DGG!!!!  Secondly, did Gay Weatherman really ask for a "real" kiss so he could perfect his technique?  Dewd.  That's what highschool stairwells were for.  Duh!  I can't remember who saved her, but man, was she lucky.  Cape Cod Chris:  I just don't know about him!  I totally loved him the first day and every time he says, "you gahtta come up to the Cahd" I just want to melt! But I can't figure out if his enthusiasm is cockiness or if he's just making the best of every opportunity he gets with her?  Tell me, girls, were you satisfied with his admission on this episode?  I thought it was sweet and really got nervous thinking he was going to cry. And I totally loved his tattoo.  I originally thought it was something the video people drew on to make the white towel mirror scene steamier.  For now, I still think he's the best one for her.  He's older.  He's family oriented.  He's HOT HOT HOT.  And he lives on the "Cahd".  Le swoon! Valk, does Cape Cod have the same sexy allure for republicans as it does for democrats?  Is it because you know there's always a Kennedy you can expose when you hear it? ;-)

Oh man, I'm getting sleepy.  Damnit, I still have 3 more breakdowns to go!!  I might do this one in installments.  Ok, yes, that's what I'll do.  Besides, girls, if I actually do a timely blog, then WTH will we have to anticipate all week??

Part 2 coming soon.  We still have Justin, Tyler (or was it Hunter??) -- sorry, Hunter -- and then the Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony to go...  woooo hooooooooooo!

Ali - Episode 2: I Love Quirky

I really do.  I have such bizarre taste in men.  My husband is totally not my type.  Seriously, in my single days, the things that would attract me to a man was the most absolute random thing in the world.  The thing that would disgust me immediately thereafter was equally as random.  I digress...

Woooo hoooooooooooo!  First dates!!!!!!!!!! Alright, so I admit it -- I totally did not get why she picked Frank (wait...is his name even Frank?!) as her first date.  I mean really?  Overzealous Paris Screenwriter Guy?  Seriously?  Whatevs.  The guys in the house couldn't figure it out either, although that really isn't saying much with that bunch of geniuses she's got going there.  Anyway, what did she call the date again?  Old Hollywood?  Or something.  So she gets some classic car, which was a nice touch and all if a) she would have let him drive and b) it had not broken down on the highway.  WTF?  And, I'm sorry...but the turn off for me right then and there would have been the fact that Frank didn't know how to fix it.   Right there it would have been a bring out the gong moment.  I'm telling you, I'm horrible.  

However, since I am not the Bachelorette, it doesn't much matter.  I really cannot fucking remember where they went other than the old Hollywood sign.  And that is where I realized why Frank.  I have to tell you, as long as he keeps his glasses on (I have a thing for glasses, as long as the lens is not so thick that genetically speaking, our future children would be doomed to a life of bad eyesight), I find Frank totally dreamy and sexy.  Because I love quirky (which really means borderline nerdy, doesn't it?).  I have a picture of a guy I dated when I lived in New York who seriously could have been Frank's brother.  Anyway, I don't know why I hadn't gotten why Frank before.   Wait, scratch that.  Actually, I do know why.  Because the problem with guys like Frank is that they're a little bipolar. Very few girls who think they can find love by going on a completely fixed dating show are prepared to handle a guy who just lays it all out there, as Frank did over and over again, not only on their date, but afterward.  It's too much pressure.  It took Single A a long time to figure out that as much as I loved love and loved being in love, I really couldn't handle love.  It was waaaaay too sappy and in your face for me.  I much preferred just imagining I was in love.  Now, I'm not saying that Ali and Single A are alike in the least bit...I'm just saying that for the most part, you have to be willing to play the game for all of eternity, and Frank is the antithesis of the game.  Frank wants to bleed his emotions on to you right then and there, forget the fact that you're wearing white pants.  She's flattered now, but at some point, it may be a little much. In the end, he gets the rose.  Because I think we all like to think that nice guys finish first.  If he's as nice as he seems to be, and shows a little more emotional stability, I will definitely be a fan of reminiscing with Frank, despite the shady ass move he pulled at the Rose Ceremony interrupting a conversation she was having with someone who didn't have a date with just to tell her how much he wanted to make babies with her.  *eye roll*

Next up:  Group Date!!!!  WTF is it with this season and small penises?!  I mean really!!!!!  Can we get some female casting directors to have the contestants model in speedos before the 25 are picked?  Really, the guys are not all that cute.  It didn't really hit me before until the thought of actually paying for a calendar with those guys in it struck me as a total and utter waste of money.   That Craig M. guy is something else.  He really enjoys looking at himself, doesn't he?  The guy that calls out "hidden agenda" surely smells of hidden agenda himself, huh??  And ugh, his hair is way too perfect.  Believe it or not, I am pretty low maintenance as far as getting ready is concerned.  I could never ever ever be with a guy who takes longer to get ready than I do or who is more concerned with his hair than I am.  Ew.  Double Ew.  Likewise, I could also never be with a guy who is so freaking paralyzed with fear at the thought of having to wear a black speedo because his balls are too small that he is seriously sick over it.  Watching Jonathan the Weatherman stress over that was funny.  Well, it would have been funny if it wasn't so damn uncomfortable to watch.  At the end of the day, I don't think any of us want him demeaned *that* much...well, Jode, I can totally see you cracking up over that, no mercy.  That's why I love ya!   BTW, have you guys checked out the calendar online?  Totally not what it looked like on set. 

Wooot! Woooot!  Third date-- Second one on one.  I can't remember his name.  Mr. Peculiar.  Wow is he dreamy.  I really don't get why Craig M. made such a big deal over his tattoos.  I think it's pretty much a given that in this day and age, most guys have tattoos.  Especially most 24 year old guys.   As dreamy as he is, though, I just don't get the desire to be with someone who requires soooooooo much polishing.    And, you know, when you give someone who's first [tacky] suit was bought to meet you a pair of cufflinks, you're pretty much stressing the desire to polish him.  I think I wouldn't have known whether to be offended or touched, but I'm totally leaning towards offended.  Ugh, there went Ali, jumping in the Ferrari and driving again...  I mean, I get that it's her show and she can do whatever she wants and yes, she should drive the nice cars and be "in control", so to speak, but jeez!  there's a lot to be said for showing a little grace and letting the men feel like they're in charge, too.  At the end of it all, I promise, it's only going to benefit you, Ali. 

So, did you get that maybe Mr. Peculiar was a little b-boy who was trying too hard?  I know editing has a lot to do with how we interpret the guys, but I really felt like she was pulling teeth the entire date.  And when he says that he was "finally able to open up", I was like wha?  Wowsa, if that's opening up, we're gonna need some clam shellers, folks!  I was glad she kept him, because my goodness, all that tallness is....wow, just WOW, but still.  Do I think it's a match?  Not yet.  I really don't think I much care either because I don't particularly have a soft spot for Ali anymore.  She really began to annoy me towards the end of her run on The Bachelor and I think her last nail was when she showed up to her last Rose Ceremony in a dress and some sloppy ass ponytail.  

2nd Rose Ceremony!!  Ok, let me just say again for the record that all weathermen...I'm sorry...meteorologists are gay.  Hands down.   As a matter of fact, at the exact writing of this sentence, I have asked my two Resident Gay Experts and am waiting on their observation as well.  But I have no doubt that the white jacket was not oh so trendy and was oh so gay.  In a really, really, really fabulous kind of way.  Way too fabulous for a straight guy.  Period.  And while I don't necessarily disagree with him advising Ali that Craig M is a total douche, I do find it HIGHlarious that he would state that he's "dangerous".  I think what he meant was aggressive?  A pot waiting to boil over?  full of anger management issues?  But just using the word "dangerous" with the accompanying facial expressions and apparent disgust was just too funny and warranted mocking by Douchebag Craig M. 

So, during the before talks, she spoke to Roberto and other than his name being Roberto, I think I love him, too.  He has those deep dark brown eyes I always love and he plays baseball?!  Say it ain't so!!!  And yeah, dare I say a little on the nerdy side?  Although I can tell you from vast experience, the whole nerdy/homey/quirky on the outside usually means nothing other than a good cover to be super sneaky on the inside.  Not sneaky in a bad, shady kind of way, but sneaky in a I'm not really as innocent as I look kind of way.  Sometimes, it's almost better to just go ahead and date what I like to call the Lead Singers (or obvious attention whores) because at least with them, you really know where you're going. 

She also spoke to Cape Cod Chris and while I originally loved him and am holding further judgment until more is known, I think he laid on the Massachusetts a little too thick due to nervousness and it came out a tad bit obnoxious. 

In the end, she gets rid of Craig M and a couple other guys whose names I can't possibly remember.  But it's gonna get gooooood, ladies!  Woo hooooooo!

Ali- Episode 1: Racial Profiling

So I promised my sweet Jode that I would get her a blog asap....and I broke my promise.  BUT, the only way I found it remotely possible to remember anything was to jot down notes in an email to myself as I was watching the episode.  So this will start out more like a "liveblogging", but I'm not sure how that's going to flow.  Hmmm, how about the liveblogging first and then my aftershow commentary?  We'll try that...

Hmmmm, where to start?  Freaky creepy poltergeistish/exorcist silhouette.  How about the fabulous red dress she is wearing??  I fell in love!  With the dress.  Alright, limos are arriving.  Um, why would you wear a black dress when you are the star??  I know, I know, I'm so anti black dresses.  But seriously!  How do you go from being the beautiful in yellow belle of the ball to BLACK?!  Boh-ring!!!  

Woo hoooo!  First limo:  Whoa...cat calls & whistles from the first limo??  So not cool.  Did that guy really just use some friggin HORRIBLE line about being 'peculiar'? Oh God. Oh no.  Say it ain't so. 

Wait.  Jim?!  The guy who came after the guy with a cast?? Total serial killer. And then the other 2 guys after? Yeah, that's the reject limo.  Give me a chance?!  Oh man you haven't even made it inside without tripping yet, fuck yer damn "chance".

Ding, ding, ding!   3rd limo.  Cat calls again.  But definitely less busted than Limo 2.  So fine, overlooking the cat calls in favor of cuties....please continue...

Hotel Business Development Guy and a CZ? Ugggggggggggggggh!!!!  Jonathan the Weather Man?! Why are they trying to cast a Reid wannabe?!  Except doesn't Ali or better yet, the producers,know that all weathermen are gay?  Duh! Ahahahahaha- did that guy just fuck up with the cowboy boots?!  Well, she went in too far for the hug anyway. 

Ooh, Limo 5 has at least 2 other serial killers on board, too.  Oooooh, lPhilip from Chi-town! has potential...  Shooter? With the stoner frat boy look? Wha? Ok, love love love the landscaper from cape cod!

Woo hoo, everyone's in the house and now the piranhas start coming out.  Dewd, what is *up* with the overzealous consultant turned paris screenwriter??  Ahahahahahahahahahaha! A scrapbook?!?!  Sorry, buddy-- I draw the line at male scrapbooking.  That's right up there with speedos. And, um, being a one-minute man!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah, that's where my liveblogging stopped.  So now on to my aftershow commentary:

Oh man, does Ali not know about the nationwide controversy regarding racial profiling?  She was like a moth to a flame with that Roberto!  I prefer to call him Token Latin Guy ("TLG").  You know, Juan with Jillian and now Roberto with Ali?  TLG, baby!  You know, he's not my type.  He's cutie, but very homey.  Not homo, just homey.  I like 'em a little saucier.  And just cause he dances the salsa doesn't mean he's saucy!

I am sooooooo blown away by the fucking amount of blow outs!!!!!  What the hell is going on with these boys blowdrying their hair?!  Ray hates the metrosexuals.  You should hear him talk about the metros.  He cracks me up.  Like all prejudices, a lot of it stems from his limited exposure ... you know metrosexualism is very common in places like NYC and does not at all coincide with homosexuality.  But he's still funny to listen to.  Don't you dare tell him your boyfriend waxes his eyebrows or anything like that ("It's a fine line, Kuki, a fine line...").  Ok, back to the show.

What was the name of the serial killer she kept?  The one that ends up slitting his wrists?  He so fucking freaks me out!!!!!!!!!!!!  Don't you wonder what the hell is going through her head?!  They should have a no alcohol policy on the first night for the Bachelor/ette.  Because everyone can see he's a few screws away from coming undone and yet, she can't?  Do they purposefully cast people who have no people reading skills?

The damn box.  You know, in the past 2 shows, when they've used the box, it's always made complete sense to me.  The first one they picked that annoying girl (Megan?) and she really was annoying and then with Jillian they picked Wes and well, we know where that went!  I can't remember if they used it for Jake, but I want to say I think they did and it was Triple V?  But this time...this time, I don't get why him showing his "Rated-R" shirt caused so much fucking controversy!   It was not the Rated R shirt.  It was that Justin is damn sex-hay and he's limping and well, all those damn girls have Nightingale Syndrome.  The only thing that blows is that I think he's the one with the girlfriend.  That's the way it looked to me from the previews.  That would suck.  I don't want to be wrong about his dreamy dimple and dark thick hair.  Besides, if what you do is  "entertainment" wrestle professionally, then of course the girl you might marry (barf!) is going to want to know your stage name!!  I don't know how that was a publicity stunt.  At least I did not at all see it in the same way I saw Wes.  The fucking GORGEOUS guy Graham (Triple G) from the Deanna show who was a basketball player in Europe came on the show and wasn't accused of publicity stunting.  Guys are just as envious and catty as girls, I see.  Besides, I do not know how in the world they picked Justin over CBO (Canadia with the blowout).  I mean really. 

I was not at all weirded out by Cape Cod Chris (Triple C and I swear I have no idea how the triples keep coming up!) deciding to bypass the information about his mother dying.  It was only a month ago.  Or was it a year?  Meh, potatoes, potahtoes.   He probably hasn't been able to completely come to terms with saying the "d" word and even if he has, maybe he has the emotional maturity to know that telling someone your mom just died is a total buzzkill and could either keep you in the game as someone playing the sympathy card OR take you out of the game as someone who has way too much current emotional baggage.  He looks pretty competitive and it seemed to me that he wants to win solely on merit.  I gave him props for that.  Besides, he's from Cape Cod!!  

Speaking of geographical location, I know Texas is one of the biggest states, but why oh why are so many damn contestants from there?!  Are the Bach headquartes in Texas?!  It is so fucking annoying!  Florida always gets a sympathy contestant, lately Canada has been getting TWO, the midwest about 4, New York around 2 and then the entire rest of all casts are from damn Texas.  Deanna.  Jake.  Melissa.  20 of the 25 guys from this season... you get my point.   I'm not sure if opening it up to Canada annoys me more or less than allowing Texas to monopolize.  They should instill a "no taxation without representation" casting rule.  That would make things interesting!

Is it me or do they all seem really short?!  And, um, I'm 5'1 so for me to think they all look really short is saying a lot.  

That was it for me.  I'm dying to hear about the ear guy.  I didn't notice.  I am also waiting to see if they end up cutting out the wrist slitting scene the same way they cut out the Tenley's pregnant scene and the Reid couldn't get it up scene.  Highly annoying.  And this season, I will not let, under any circumstances, the girl from work who reads all the damn spoilers tell me who's going to win.  Can you believe I spent the entire season-- as in from the first day -- knowing he was going to pick Triple V?  It was really anti-climactic for me.  I don't want to ruin it this time.  And that's easy to do when there aren't any clear personal faves.

Ok, so who do you guys predict?  I say it's going to be Triple C.   Or at least it should be!  They're both from MA.  And yes, they should get married just because of that.   I like Mr. Peculiar as well.  Yeahp bad suit and all...