Soooo.... do you think Gia will ever go back there again? Ha.
Ugh. I have to say it's no wonder Mr. Predictability is ever so fucking predictable.
What do you think? I really thought of all the dates, him and Gia had *the* most chemistry. I mean, I really felt the hot and steamy with those two together. And I just LOVED her sparkly headband. Note to Jake: Please don't ever show anyone your bad white boy dance moves again. Ever. Ever, ever, ever!!!! Furthermore, if he says at the Reunion Show that the problem with Gia was that "she just didn't open up" enough, I will hunt him down and tittie twist him into submission. Dewd. You're dating THREE girls, all of which you're banging and you want her to look like MORE of a FOOL on network TV? Yeah. You respect the girls who respect themselves. She has enough self-esteem issues as it is.
All I want to know about their date is why in the hell did Jake hang his sunglasses on the BACK of his shirt. Yes, yes, I know the actual *why*. It still doesn't make it any less nerdy. Friggin' Geek. Smoosh your fucking glasses! Show that girl you care enough to hug her deeply to SMOOSH your FUCKING GLASSSSSSES! I swear, if I had been PMSing, and someone would have done that to me, I would have ripped them off the back of his shirt and STOMPED on them. How's that fer yer glasses?! (Note to readers: I am not PMSing, per se, but I was watching the show having just recovered from the first flu I have ever gotten in my life, which, for all intents and purposes, is WORSE than PMS.)
I was watching it with Kristin and trying to catch up to her the whole time (I was on TiVo time).
Something Kristin said which I didn't pay any mind to, until she said it. She was really put off by him saying that he "wanted to see" how she interacted with the locals because she always had $700 shoes on. I don't get what one thing has to do with the other. My husband says something similar to me all the time. He says I can't possibly be a Democrat because I love the finer things in life. He says Democrats don't support pricey labels and shopping high end retail. I tell him clearly, he never met the Kennedys. Muahahahaha!
Ok, back to Jake.
And Tenley. I am really starting to become nauseated by Tenley. Forget it, once Ray pointed out her annoying voice to me, I just can't get past it now. So when I see her on the screen, I cringe before she even starts talking. Let's be frank here (frank? I'm not frank! My name is Andrea!!)... could you just imagine listening to that voice for the rest of your life??? Could you imagine what the voice is going to sound like at 50? Is she from the Midwest? Or is that an Oregonian accent? Valk?
Ok, so Tenley gets off the SUV and some producer must cue Jake: "Run, Jake, RUN!" because man, was that some delayed ass running. Don't be so excited to see her, there buddy! Hey, what's that? A helicopter?! No?!?!? Impossible!!! What a NOVEL idea!!!!!!!! Heh heh heh.
OHMYGOD, TENLEY. SHUT THE FUCK UP about your ex-husband already!!! Doing is believing, baby, and who in their right mind is going to *believe* that you are ready to move on if ya haven't fucken moved on?!?!?! I haven't done it yet, but I feel so inclined to just do a google search that says "tenley's ex-husband" and see what I find. C'mon, all of us...on the count of 3. ONE-TWO-THREE!
Ahahahahahaha! Is this person biting my drinking game?! Because this is my favorite search find so far:
"Minus 8 because we really should have added "take a sip every time Tenley says 'my ex'" to our Bachelor drinking game. We could've been so trashed last night!" (you can find that here.)
And then there's all the talk about how she only slept with (guess whooooo???) her ex and what a big deal it is and how nervous she is about the Fantasy Suite card, blah blah blah, and here I am sitting here watching and thinking, "why, exactly, does she have to sleep with him if she takes the card?" Why can't she just take the fucking card, live it up on fabulous room service and play blue balls all night? I'm just sayin'. Sounds like a virginal plan to me! Seriously though, if your "morals" are so upstanding, then that would be the first thought to come to your mind and really not oh so hard to do. Once again...doing is believing, Ten, and you just didn't seem all that hesitant, reserved or nervous when you quickly (and I do mean quickly) accepted.
By the way, the search also resulted in Ali's last name, and I think he didn't accept her back for fear of her hyphenating.
Do you even want to discuss the whole Ali thing? Do you really? Cause I could totally just skip that part. I so could. All I will say is I was furiously scowling at the screen and aggressively texting Kristin wondering at which point she was going to stop her GROVELING and strap her big girl BOOTS on and move on. You picked work. You're twenty-five fucking years old and that is what a responsible twenty-five year old with a "career" and not a "job" would do. And one day, Ali-- if you allow yourself to let go -- you will be married to a wonderful man and you'll be cleaning poop from the walls and doing bucket loads of vomit filled laundry and YOU WILL NO LONGER regret your decision. Trust me. It's the Voice of Reason talking here...
Triple V, coming up next...
So, is it just me, or does their relationship seem downright hostile? That whole back and forth banter is sexy for the first 2 minutes, but then you just wonder what good that kind of interaction would do when you're tired and sleep deprived and you are knee deep in the aforementioned wall covered poop and vomit flavored laundry. Not such a good mix.
***NEWS FLASH***NEWS FLASH***NEWS FLASH***
Jake is "falling in love". I'm just sayin'. It's a news flash in case you missed that proclamation the first 5 episodes prior to last night's.
I don't know. The whole Pirates of the Caribbean thing was lame-o. Her cross-eyedness was even more lame-o. And then she busted out with the whitey-tidy night gown? C'mon, Vienna, at least tell me you had a strap on under that. Or something. We don't call you Triple V for nothing!
Fast forward to the Rose Ceremony...blah blah blah. I'm glad to see ABC networks puts a "Talking Bench" in every location and that every excommunicated bachelor/ette uses it as they're being escorted out. I would have just left. What could he have possibly said at that moment to make her feel better? What? Nothing, that's what. Fuck you and good luck. Buh-bye, Jakester!
Oooooh, next week!! I can't wait! I hope they all rip him a new one and I will barf every time he starts a sentence with "Well...". I betcha he says "gosh golly" like ALL.THE.TIME. And no one can tell me otherwise!
See ya real soon!! ;-P
1 comment:
OMG OMG OMG!!!!
Every word is pure perfection.
I knew he was going to ditch Gia since she was the best one there. They *always* do that. I think on some level, he actually knew she's way too good for him. Same thing with Ali. And God, yeah, STFU up and stop crying hysterically, Ali. I would have slapped her into oblivion. Of course she made the right choice. She'll "never" meet another man like Jake? Well, Jesus, I sure hope not!
I can't stand listening to Tenley either, and the ex thing is just over the top obnoxious. She's obviously still so hung up on him.
I think he left her because of her voice. Can you imagine THAT VOICE nagging at you day in and day out? Holy shit! Kill me now.
You are so right about the thing with Jake and Vienna sausage. She has a nice ass BTW, but that has nothing to do with what I was going to say. They totally remind me of the junior high relationship. It is definitely hostile. And totally immature and it all starts to make total sense about why he likes her so much. That is who he really is! A 12-year-old boy masquerading as a man as a pirate as a flounder as a bore. B-O-R-E. He's so fucking boring!! What is wrong with Ali for God's sake? It's got to be the competition factor. There is no other explanation.
Awesome blog.
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