I Shed a Tear...

for Jake and Ali.  I really did.  But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

There is just so much material here, where do I start??  Do I start with Urban Cowboy meets the Sopranos?  Flashdance meets Mr. Not the Ex-Husband?  The "I See Dead People" Tour?  Or do we just go straight to "A Night at the Trailer Park"?  Seriously.  I felt so bad for Jake this time.  What a bizarre episode.   You couldn't be more stereotypical if you wanted to.  It was all so, so, so out there.  I was waiting for Balloon Boy and his parents to show up.  They would have fit right in. 

Wooo hooooooooo! New York Cit-ay!!!  He could have stayed on that date forever.  I just love me some New York City!  So they did the boring tour on a nice yacht around part of the island of Manhattan.  Nice.  Gia strikes me as being from Brooklyn?  I can never get my borough accents straight.  I used to be able to nail them, but not so much anymore.  So I'm going to be obvious here and say she's either from Brooklyn.  Or Queens.  Hahahahaha!  I want to say Queens, because that Lawn Guylund accent is really heavy and the Queens people don't have it that bad.  That's more of a Brooklyn-moved-to-Staten-Island accent and if she is from Staten Island, that would explain why she didn't go home for her hometown date.  Fucking stinky Staten Island.  Grrrrr!  Maybe Sheella can chime in.  And when her brother told Jake "you know, cuz I'll hunt choo down and break ya legs" I totally felt like I was watching a Soprano spin off, which would tie in perfectly with my Brooklyn-Staten Island-Jersey connection.  

 I digress....  What was up with that shawl Gia was wearing??  So they went to a restaurant and who does Gia look like?  Do you think along with picking a random place to have dinner, they also picked up strangers to be her family members?  Hahahaha!  It seemed like an uncomfortable bunch.  But yay! everyone loves Jake and really, Jake better love her because if he doesn't, the brother's coming after him. The End.  

Yawn.  

Who was next?   Is it just me or was Tenley's family really stiff?  Oh, wait, I'm rushing things.... 

I just about peed my friggin pants when she decided somehow it would be a good idea to dance for him.  And I think she is going to cringe, and her ex-husband is doing some serious fist pumping, at her mentioning him every freaking 5 seconds.  Why haven't I noticed how utterly annoying her freaking voice is?  She sounds like one of the Chipmunks, but worse.  Way worse.  Ray walked in while I was watching their date and he said, "oh GOD her voice is driving me crazy!" and he was right.  So her nasaly annoying voice mentioning her ex-husband every 2 seconds was way weird.  But no, ladies and ladies, NOT weirder than her solo dance moves!!  What.The.Fuck was she thinking?!?!?!?!  No, really, WHAT?  Ahahahahahahahaaaaaaa!  I have never felt like I was watching something so staged in my entire life.  Wait, wait, that's not true.  I felt the same way when I watched Wes serenade Gillian 9 times.  So.Fucking.Weird!  But not weirder than her prefacing it with "my ex-husband never saw my dance performance so I'm going to show it to Jake".  Good way to make a guy feel special, Ten...  good one!  Listen, does anyone want to tell her she's still madly in love with her ex-husband and came on the show to spite him and even though she is freaking PERFECT for Jake, she needs to go?  Fucking weirdo with her Fame performance.  Ew.  

And her parents?  Us latins are really touchy feely huggers and kissers so it's totally weird for me to see such stiffness when he goes and meets the families.  They were pretty stiff.  And, yeah, um, the part where her mother said she's still hurting over the ex?  Talk about stroking that ex's ego...

Who's next? Who's next????  

Ah, Ali.  Ali's annoying me, too at this point.  Have I ever mentioned how I hate seeing a guy who can't handle cold weather?  It's one of those weird pet peeves I have.  Jake with the fucking fleece and the triple thick gloves while Ali was wearing a light jacket and some jeans was way more than I could handle.  She's always dressed so damn cute, but she killed it this episode!  Lumberjack meets Urban Chic?  No.  Please take off your plaid log climbing shirt and Native American boots and put on a real outfit for that fabulous white jacket!  Knocked knees and big hips, huh?  I would have never seen them coming.  Poor Ali.  I loved Ali's mom!  The walk through the grammie's house was a little creepy for me.  The lone picture on the mantle of an otherwise empty house... just a little more creepy.  

This is also the point where I noticed that the bachelorettes are all the prettiest ones from their families and the "ugly" sisters stayed home.  It made me a little sad for them.

Who does that leave?!?!?  Oh yeah!  Voracious Vagina!  Woooot!

Of course, when I think of Florida, I think of hot latin men with delicious accents and warm, sultry weather with an ice cold drink in hand sans tropical umbrella.  I never ever ever think of alligators and turtles and "the River" and trailer parks.  For the record, *I* am delusional.  Florida really is just like they showed it to be.  Florida is the Dirty South.  Miami is not.  

So, tell me, when they opened the door and showed her dad, did you all realize where Vienna gets her stunning good looks from?  *Wink, wink*.  Of course you did!  Would it be horrible to say that if I were Jake I'd be thinking about my future mate in breeding terms, and that revelation would have been a deal breaker?  Horrible, maybe.  Truthful, definitely.  

I'm a little creeped out by Vienna and her relationship with her daddy.  On the one hand, it's amazing that he has her back the way he does and how she's "daddy's little girl" and all, but she wears a wedding ring that her dad gave her?  And that whole schpeal about Jake having to continue treating her like a princess was a little much for me.  Did you guys catch on to the subtlety of the message?  "Oh, and she'll do the same for you.  When you get home, you'll have a clean house and your children will be raised right," in trailer park talk means, "you better support my little princess cuz she ain't lifting a finger in the 9-5 workplace no matter what"!  Freaking rednecks, man...

I think I was too stunned at how perfectly crafted these dates were and too amused with their hilariousity to really give a shit this episode.

And then.... the mysterious knock on the door....

Um, could they use the Ed storyline a few seasons apart, please?  Just a few?  Ok, how about ONE season apart?  You know, instead of back to back?  Yeah.  

I kept thinking of what she should do.  I think she did the right thing, assuming of course that Ali leaves because of work.  She lives in one of the most expensive cities in the country (if not the world) and apparently, she has a good career.  This guy is going on all the hometowns and asking ALLLL the fathers for their daughters' hands in marriage.  Go back to your job, man!  Because ultimately, if it's meant to be, it will be.  I think it was wrong of her to try to get him to say she was the one.  But I admire her strength and her ability to keep a straight face why the producers skillfully try to pull one over on us yet again.  *Yawn, yawn, yawn*.  Oh, and as a helpful tip:  Producers, if one of your contestants is going to tell the Bachelor at the Rose Ceremony that she is going home and you want it to be a surprise for us, tell her not to throw her hair up into a lazy ponytail because that's a dead giveaway.  I'm just sayin'. 

Hey guys! Have you heard the latest?  *This* Bachelor season is going to have"the most shocking Bachelor finale EVER"!  And if you're feeling a little bit nostalgic, so am I, my friends, SO.AM.I!